(Palm Springs, CA) – After nearly six years of denial, MSNBC talk show host Chris Matthews, has finally checked himself into rehab due to the “tingles” he experiences whenever he sees, hears or meets President Barack Obama.
Matthews has been afflicted with the condition, an extremely rare condition involving a sensation he feels up his leg at the mere mention of the President, and traditional western medicine has been unable to come up with a suitable treatment plan or cure for the disorder.
Matthew’s personal life has been spiraling out of control as he can’t even walk down the street anymore without kids shouting Obama’s name at him, only to watch and laugh as he stumbles and falls to the ground when the “tingles” kick in, his legs get weak and he loses his balance.
It sometimes takes him 30 minutes and numerous bruises to go the one block distance from his house to the mailbox and back due to all the verbal ribbing he takes because of the well-publicized condition.
“Many Obama supporters experience feelings of pride or other emotions over their devotion to the President but Chris is an anomaly,” says Executive Director Mort Volde of Messianic Rehab, located in Palm Springs. “Chris was the first patient we’ve had who experiences a type of neurological reaction when being exposed to any type of media regarding our President.
One test we conducted included replaying Chris’ own interview of Mr. Obama and we thought he was going to jerk-off right there in the conference room! It was very uncomfortable for the female counselors in the room and Chris seemed void of any shame after the episode.”
After numerous tests, we were ready to label Chris an idiot or just plain bat-shit crazy but he’s actually a very intelligent man,” Mort continued. “We’ve had other celebrities here who have had an unnatural attraction to the President like Lena Dunham, Sean Penn and Jay-Z, among others.
“Sometimes the only thing you can do is keep them heavily sedated and send them back out into the world. Fortunately, for Chris and those others, most of their fans won’t notice a difference. It’s the craziest thing…most people come to rehab to get off drugs but for some, like Chris, that’s the only remedy.”
Following the interview, Mr. Volde, Mort as he’s listed in the phone book, reacted with surprise when our reporter thanked him for being so open and candid about Matthew’s situation, with today’s privacy laws being what they are. “Oh shit! Is that against the law?”