Big Pharma Creates New Polio-Like Virus

Representatives of Big Pharma revealed today that they have created a new polio-like virus and are testing it on California schoolchildren.

“We have infected about 30 California schoolchildren far”, said Big Pharma spokesperson Greg Skrewm. “We hope to have reached epidemic proportions by the end of summer”.

Skrewm explained that Big Pharma makes much of its money from viruses, virus treatments and vaccines. He claims they already have a vaccine for the new virus but won’t release it until at least 100,000 people have become infected.

“Then we will start a nationwide immunization campaign!” he stated.

“This disease is new and we haven’t worked out all bugs yet”, said Michael Lynch, VP of R&D for Big Pharma. “But have no fear! We will have the vaccine available before many of you are infected!”

Lynch explained that researchers genetically modified the old polio virus to make it resistant to every standard type of treatment then re-sequenced it.

“We need to make money for ourselves and to make our shareholders happy”, Lynch explained. “Every time we find a vaccine for a virus, that’s money coming out of our pockets. We need vaccines for new viruses to replace the old viruses”.

Big Pharma CEO Rick Cheney suggests deep pocketed investors invest now.

“I can’t give you any inside info but this is going to be big!” Cheney stated.

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Danica Patrick Accuses NASCAR Drivers of Misogyny

NASCAR driver Danica Patrick charged other drivers with sexism and misogyny after being bumped in Sundays Daytona 500 causing her to crash into the outer wall and ending her race.

“There’s only one woman at Daytona today and who gets driven off the track? Connect the dots and do the math.” Patrick added “Well, I can’t do the math but I’m sure one of you men out there can help me with that.” Read more Danica Patrick Accuses NASCAR Drivers of Misogyny

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Jack and Diane Embroiled in Bitter Divorce

Back in 1982 a little ditty about Jack and Diane went viral making them household names and catapulting them into music immortality. Symbolizing small town kids living the American Dream of the late 20th century, the years have not been kind to the couple, who recently announced their plans to divorce.

Growing up in the Bible Belt and lacking even the most basic of sex education, the couple confessed to believing the rhythm method involved “just doing it real slow.”

Now 10 children, 14 grandchildren and one great grandchild later, they have decided to call it quits and separately do as they please. Read more Jack and Diane Embroiled in Bitter Divorce

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I Guess I Have an Irrational Fear of Tubes Going in my Urethra

Guest writer Doug Fedler

Call me crazy, but I just don’t like the idea of having tubes inserted into my urethra. I guess everyone’s got their quirks.

Maybe my thinking is a little cluttered since I’m about to have my appendix taken out.

I did a little digging on the subject and found out that sometimes they use a catheter. It’s a tube that helps you pee. Read more I Guess I Have an Irrational Fear of Tubes Going in my Urethra

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Pirates Found With Dead Navy Seals on Maersk Alabama

Seychelles police have confirmed three deceased Ethiopian pirates were found along with two retired Navy Seal security personnel discovered dead on the Maersk Alabama this last weekend.

The three pirates carried Ethiopian passports and appeared to be dressed as Captian Jack Sparrow, Captain Hook and Lemur King “Julien” from the 2005 animated film “Madagascar”. Read more Pirates Found With Dead Navy Seals on Maersk Alabama

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