Back in 1982 a little ditty about Jack and Diane went viral making them household names and catapulting them into music immortality. Symbolizing small town kids living the American Dream of the late 20th century, the years have not been kind to the couple, who recently announced their plans to divorce.
Growing up in the Bible Belt and lacking even the most basic of sex education, the couple confessed to believing the rhythm method involved “just doing it real slow.”
Now 10 children, 14 grandchildren and one great grandchild later, they have decided to call it quits and separately do as they please.
“We just grew apart after he got out of rehab,” said Diane. “Oh yeah, life goes on long after the thrill of doing meth is gone. Besides, I got tired of working two jobs just to have that deadbeat spend all our money in bars, doing lame James Dean imitations and trying to pick up our daughter’s friends,” she added.
Reporters caught up with Jacky at a local trailer park screaming at one of his multitude of sons, “Boy, if you don’t get out of my car, I’m gonna hit you so hard, by the time you wake up, your mullet’s gonna be back in style!”
Jacky blamed the couple’s financial difficulties on government entitlements. He admitted sending his representatives to Washington to kick all those freeloaders off the welfare rolls, only to discover half his farm subsidies and all of his food stamps suddenly gone. “I fight authority but authority always wins,” he lamented.
According to Jacky, Diane spends these days sucking down chili dogs and managing the Tastee Freeze. “She’s got a belly sitting on her lap, boobs down between her knees,” was his unaffectionate description of how their relationship has changed over the years.
When asked what advice he’d give teens living in the Heartland today, Jacky scratched his head and collected his thoughts for a moment before replying, “Hold on to 16 as long as you can. Changes really come around. Soon you’re living in your van.”