Posted in Travel

Delta Passenger Relieved Pilot Named Wendell

THE SKY—While onboard Delta flight 326 field sales representative and coach passenger Herman Adler reported the fact that he experienced a feeling of relief upon learning that the pilot’s name was Wendell. “Sounds like a level-headed guy,” said Adler. Adler…

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Posted in Society Strange People

Local Hipster Unsure if 20 is Too Many Bracelets

Jason Just-Jason-Guy comes to this unmarked, semi-private club at least four nights a week to hear bands you’ve never heard of interpreting songs you woulnd’t get, but he wonders if he looks right. “I put on some bracelets,” explains Jason,…

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Posted in Human Interest

Friend Just Hasn’t Been the Same Since He Won That Free Pepsi

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Colorado Springs resident Wayne Gallaway reported earlier today that his friend, Spencer Buckner, has let the fact that Buckner won a free Pepsi from the bottle cap of another Pepsi go completely to his head. “I just don’t…

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Posted in Education

School District Hires Adult Film Stars to Teach Sex Ed Classes

(Corry, PA) – In what will be known as one of the most progressive decisions in academic history, the members of the Corry Area School District of Erie County Pennsylvania have voted to allow adult film stars, Raven Gavina and…

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Posted in Health

Aleve Introduces New Product Just for Family Gatherings

MORRISTOWN, NJ—On Tuesday, the makers of popular headache relief medicine Aleve were proud to announce their new product made specifically for family gatherings. “We just asked ourselves, ‘Can’t there be a way to not hate every moment of every holiday…

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Posted in Biz News

Business Lesson #58 – Help your employees make better decisions. Remove all restrooms

Periodically Glossy News asks me to don my business consultant hat (a stylish Italian grey fedora) to share innovative business strategies to grow your business and improve your employees’ productivity. As a sought-after business process improvement expert and author of…

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos

Smartphone User Glad He Doesn’t Have to Have Series of Interesting Thoughts

CHICAGO—While using his phone to browse an online forum where users rank their favorite vacation spots, Roger Howton reflected with great fondness on the fact that he didn’t have to use his imagination for a single moment to wonder about…

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Posted in Music

Motown Returns To Detroit – Whole City Returns To Life

The return of the famous soul music legend Motown Records to its birthplace Detroit has had an ebullient effect on the bankrupt city. From the very first announcement of its coming back, people were running out their doors to tell…

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Self Help Author Has Some Great Tips for Letting Go of Your Fears, Money

INDIANAPOLIS – An emerging self help author today outlined his personal pledge to help you let go of both your irrational fears and, in turn, your hard earned money. During a motivational speech class in downtown Indianapolis today, Miles Thomas…

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Posted in Biz News Opinion/Editorial

Why grow your business when you can optimize your real-time ROI yield

I’ve spent the better part of the past 25 years (and the worse part as well) in sales and marketing. One thing that has always impressed me in checking out the marketing collateral and the web sites of the major…

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Posted in Sportsfolk

Soccer Quickly Becoming America’s Like 4th or 5th Favorite Sport

A recent poll taken by randomly selected sports fans from around the nation indicated that the game of soccer, where you try and kick a ball into a goal, is drawing near to being among some of America’s most popular…

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Posted in Biz News

Guy Who Sort of Looks Like Stephen King Makes Extra Cash Brooding in Corner at Corporate Events

BOSTON—The employees of Boston Consulting Group were treated to a special guest at the latest corporate event held by the renowned management consulting firm. It was only within the first few moments of the evening that those lucky enough to…

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Posted in Biz News

Report Finds That Friday Just Needs to Hurry Up and Get Here Already

UNITED STATES – According to an unconfirmed report, Friday – the day generally considered to be the end of the work week – just cannot get here damn-near quick enough. Even though the day of Friday – like every other…

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Posted in Biz News

Business Lesson #61: Hug your way to business success

Welcome to installment #61 in Glossy News’ periodic series of business lessons on how you can take your business to never-before-imagined levels of success by taking a coxswain course sunshine coast. In this challenging economy, companies are forced to do…

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Posted in Biz News

Walmart Introduces New Signage to Help Customers Locate Existing Signage

INDIANAPOLIS – Retail giant Walmart has rolled out a brand new idea to install helpful signage to guide customers in the direction of existing signage. The plan, which was tested across select national stores yesterday, is viewed as a solution…

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Posted in Comics Travel

Kids Singing Endless Road Song About to Be Amber Alerts

You remember that song you sang as a kid to drive the bus driver crazy? Well yeah, imagine it’s that one, except it’s with your parents, and that there’s literally no way for them to get away from you.

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Posted in World News

UN Demands That United States Drop ‘United’ From Their Name

The UN Council has put forth a petition demanding that the United States of America drop the term ‘United’ from their name due to the partisan bickering between conservative and liberal elements that has divided the nation. Chief UN Spokesman…

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Posted in Biz News

Major banks agree to principle reduction, lower interest

U.S. homeowners struggling to make payments on mortgages worth as much as three times the value of their home were astonished to learn that their banks had decided to offer principle reduction and lower interest. “We’ve been negotiating for years…

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Posted in Biz News

Indiana Man Fired for Violating Company Policy, Secretary

INDIANAPOLIS – An inner city accounting firm has terminated the contract of one of its senior staff members after it was discovered that the 39-year-old had violated both the terms of his contract and the company’s female secretary. Michael Joyner…

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Posted in Top Stories

ProTip: Cool Overly Hot Coffee by Holding it out the Window (comic)

While this lovely bit of fiction didn’t actually happen with my children, as they graciously allowed me to portray, it did happen with a group of friends about 15 years ago. J-Dizzle had just taken the wheel, and I’d just…

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Posted in Internets Tubes Technology

Evil Excel Spreadsheet Doing Everything In Power to Stop Guy Leaving Work on Time

INDIANAPOLIS – Seemingly not content to just let office worker Aaron McMillan clock out of work at the regular time of five-thirty, a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet is doing everything in its Goddamn power Monday to make sure that McMillan stays…

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Posted in Society

Man Picks Up Own Litter Like Some Kind of Superhero

COLUMBUS, OH—On Tuesday, stunned witnesses reported seeing a man picking up a cheeseburger wrapper and placing it in the trash after he had attempted to toss it into a nearby receptacle and missed. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything…

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Posted in Politics Society

Cocktail Party Deteriorates Into Political Party

INDIANAPOLIS – A cocktail party took just two hours to deteriorate into a fledgling political party Monday, after the event’s laid-back atmosphere took on a more serious and philosophical tone. Guests arrived at The Hilton Indianapolis Hotel in buoyant mood,…

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Posted in Human Interest

Stupid Non-Depressed Roommate Walking Around, Doing Stuff

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Area man and local depressive Adam Holt reported that his “stupid roommate is just, like, walking around… doing stuff.” “How can he do that?” wondered Holt. Holt took advantage of his ideal observation point on the living room sofa,…

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Posted in Biz News Comics

Business Lesson #83: What to do when your customers complain

Corporations do a lot of things well, but one thing that some of them could use a little help with is how to say I’m sorry when they screw up. Historically, like George Bush, most companies are not very good…

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