Posted in Biz News Internets Tubes

Established, High-Karma Reddit Accounts Being Sold

Apparently your karma is worth more than you know. All those years of clicking and commenting on stories, maybe they’re actually worth something. One site has Reddit accounts for sale, and they’re not shy about it. ThePublicityFirm.com says “We have…

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Posted in Politics Serious Commentary

Opponents of SeaTac’s Minimum Wage Push-Polled me, Obviously Running Scared

There’s a dirty trick in politics called the push poll. That’s when pollsters seek to sway the election by sowing seeds of doubt. Bush did it (successfully) against McCain, and the No On Prop-1 people in Seatac tried it on…

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Posted in Politics

SeaTac Minimum Wage Vote Goes Court (and I’m the Plaintiff… seriously)

Citizens in the city of Seatac, WA, where I live, have tried to bring a $15/hr. minimum wage for airport and hospitality workers to a vote. But opponents have shut it down and I’ve filed a lawsuit against the city,…

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Posted in Crime

Police credit urban fashion trend in helping to catch criminals

For years, our nation’s law enforcement agencies have made great technological strides in their efforts to hunt down criminals. Thanks to popular shows like CSI Miami, CSI New York, CSI Las Vegas, and the lesser known CSI Akron, CSI Schenectady…

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Posted in Politics

Obama constituency overwhelmingly supports war with Syria

Despite a Reuters/Ipsos poll showing that only 9% of Americans support military intervention in Syria, the White House today assured the public that a more recent and reliable poll leaves no doubt that the President’s constituency favors war. The poll…

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Posted in Biz News Opinion/Editorial

TGIT – Thank God It’s Tuesday

Last November and December, I experienced some shortened work weeks thanks to the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Both holidays were preceded by shortened three-day work weeks, so I had to be extremely focused, making efficient use of every minute of…

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Posted in Serious Commentary

Things We Should Have Learned From the Recession

Warning- This is an unfunny article. Things we should have learned from the recession: That when the chips are down and they are losing money, the big companies will give up their Ann Rand for Karl Marx and take bailout…

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

F***ing D***head Editor Censoring **arg** Everything

INDIANAPOLIS – An absolute f***ing c**kface of an editor has left virtually his entire staff completely baffled and frustrated after meticulously sifting through a continuum of work and censoring just about every God d*** p***ing profanity written down on each…

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Posted in Top Stories

Bradley Manning To Be Transferred to All-Female Prison

Convicted military whistle-blower Bradley Manning, now known as Chelsea E. Manning, will be reprimanded to the all-female Federal Prison Camp in Alderson, WV to serve out his 35 year prison sentence, according to sentencing officials. “Now that Manning claims he’s…

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Posted in Top Stories

US vows retaliation for rebel chemical weapon use

The United States today assured the world that the “red line” against chemical weapons use applies equally to both the Assad government in Syria and the rebel forces. “We are not hypocrites,” said White House spokesperson Janus Touphaisse. “We have…

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Posted in Internets Tubes

Local Man Subjects Self to Sick Experiment

CINCINNATI, OH—In an act that can only be described as some kind of emotional masochism, David Lauder, resident single, recently created a profile on a popular website intended for dating. The so-called “dating website” is a service that allows users,…

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Posted in Making Headlines

New Trial Medication Causes Positive Thinking in Rats

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Posted in Biz News Society

Guy Who Otherwise Wouldn’t Give Two Shits About You Would Like to Know How that Food is Tasting

INDIANAPOLIS – Despite not really giving a flying fuck about you or your shitty feelings, Applebee’s server and part time student Josh Penticuff would really like to know how those chicken dippers are working out for you today. Penticuff, who…

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Posted in Society

The secret to happiness: Always remain twenty-three

Great news for all of you who have passed the big 50 milestone and are depressed that the best part of life may have passed you by. It has, of course, but be patient. In just 19 years you’ll feel…

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Posted in Health Human Interest

Man Suffers Hernia, Sues Fast Food Chain

Jason Dimples, a 27-year old iron worker from Youngstown, Ohio, has recently filed a Complaint for injuries he received several months ago while dining with his family at a local fast food restaurant. In his Complaint, Dimples alleges he was…

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Posted in Politics

Gun Laws, Same-Sex Marriage, Women’s Rights, Economy, Healthcare Reform, Abortion, Stem Cell Research, Syria, Education Set to Become Number One Issue of Election

WASHINGTON D.C. – With the presidential election just 3 months away, political insiders believe that the one central issue facing the candidates in November will be gun laws, same-sex marriage, women’s rights, the economy, healthcare reform, and just generally everything…

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Posted in War Zone

Gun Companies Realize More Profit Made Being Patriotic to Taliban than US

A major financial shift has occurred within the gun manufacturing section of the United States Corporate industry. A huge surge has come about in the number of guns and ammunition being clandestinely sold to the Mid East terror organization Al…

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Posted in Science

Evidence of Life Discovered on Surface of Marsh

ANDERSON – In what has become a sensational development, sources today confirmed the discovery of life on the surface of Marsh – the Indianapolis-based food retail store. It was previously believed that life could not flourish on the store’s floor,…

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Posted in Internets Tubes Strange People

Area Grandma Thinks Googling is Sex Act

A local grandmother has become convinced that “the Google” is an amorous maneuver performed during the sexual act of “Googling.” After watching a local news segment that profiled young couples who Googled each other after the first date, 74-year-old Gail…

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc Internets Tubes

Crappy UK Website Denies Breaking News Princess Diana Was Murdered

“We didn’t break that news,” stated www.cafespike.com site administrator Martin Shuttlecock. “Somebody probably got us confused with the Daily Mail. Or the Express. Whatever.” Inside information has revealed that cafespike.com is staffed by a team of enthusiastic amateurs who are…

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