Guy Who Otherwise Wouldn’t Give Two Shits About You Would Like to Know How that Food is Tasting

INDIANAPOLIS – Despite not really giving a flying fuck about you or your shitty feelings, Applebee’s server and part time student Josh Penticuff would really like to know how those chicken dippers are working out for you today.

Penticuff, who has never made your acquaintance before and has absolutely no intention of doing so in the future, thinks you’re probably a total fucking jackass but is willing, nonetheless, to go out of his way to bring you some blue ranch with that.

“All right!” smiles the enthusiastic 24-year-old, while thinking about what an obnoxious douchebag you probably are. “Here’s a refill on that water. Can I get you anything else?”

Secretly bitter about having to wait on the likes of you all day, Penticuff still stops by your table no fewer than five times to see how everything’s tasting and to see whether you’d like to try one of Applebee’s special margaritas.

“Only $3.29!” He enthusiastically, if insincerely, continues. “No? Okay. Would you like to take a look at our dessert menu?”

Even though he couldn’t give two shits about your welfare and possesses no desire to see you ever again, he truly hopes that you come back again soon.

Author: Laurence Brown

Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.