Area Grandma Thinks Googling is Sex Act

A local grandmother has become convinced that “the Google” is an amorous maneuver performed during the sexual act of “Googling.”

After watching a local news segment that profiled young couples who Googled each other after the first date, 74-year-old Gail Howerchuk became confident that to be “Googled” is to have had “the Google” performed on you by a “Googler,” and that the term she keeps hearing “thrown around by the youngins” refers to something having to do with “knick-knack patty-whack.”

“Boy,” said the appalled matriarch, “I’m afraid I just don’t know what kids these days are up to in the bedroom.”

Howerchuk was visibly disturbed as she recalled various contexts in which she had heard the term used in the past, including being told to “Google funny cats,” because the results are “very satisfying.”

“Oh my heavens,” she said.

She also learned that Justin Bieber is Googled more than 1 million times per day, and that the Google itself is used more than 1 billion times per day.

“Good gracious!” was her response.

“When I was that age, well boys were gentlemen,” recalled Howerchuk. “There wasn’t no googlin’ or ganglin’ or what not goin on. If a young man was interested in a young lady, he treated her like it, and only took her to bed after the 5th or 6th date. And there was no funny business.”

After gaining her newfound knowledge, Howerchuk reportedly became curious about “the Yahoo” and “the Twitter,” stating “I’ll tell you what, if those are sex moves too, I just have lost all track of what’s hip.”

At press time, Howerchuk was reported to have been Googling her husband, as she was “curious what all the fuss is about.”

Author: Jeremy Gendelman

Jeremy writes all over the place, but he prefers the couch. He believes fake news is more compelling than real news. He blogs at

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