“We didn’t break that news,” stated www.cafespike.com site administrator Martin Shuttlecock. “Somebody probably got us confused with the Daily Mail. Or the Express. Whatever.”
Inside information has revealed that cafespike.com is staffed by a team of enthusiastic amateurs who are usually too drunk or stoned to file copy, and British Intelligence services (MI5 & MI6) today dismissed the site as “frivolous and extremely silly.”
Café Spike editor Martin Shuttlecock insisted that he had no knowledge of any controversial entry onto the site concerning the late Princess Of Hearts unless it slipped by him after the quart bottle of vodka he demolished last night.
“I’ll approve anything when I’ve had a few,” Shuttlecock admitted.
“But I honestly don’t remember approving the Princess story. We’re quite new to all this website stuff, but we’re doing our best – keeping an eye on our ellipses and not twatting on about fast food, editing and being a Cockney wanker all the time, but we’re not perfect. We just want to be loved because we’re nice people who don’t discriminate against others on the grounds of race or sexual orientation. Having said that though – we do believe there’s a place in time for carrying concealed weapons.
“I can think of quite a few people who I’d love to shoot in the face with a .357 Magnum. But I won’t name them. Not even Justin Bieber. It’s all just a fantasy really. Anyway, I have to go now because the pubs have just opened. If you want to befriend an alcoholic English satirist, send donations to cafespike.com.
“You’ll never set eyes on your investment ever again, but we are non-profit and we need all the friends we can get. Even NRA members, providing they promise not to shoot us.
“We’re also happy to do business with blacks, hispanics and gays – but not Texans. Fuck Texas and white guys with a big stick. That’s what we say. And we’re usually right..”
*Our Editors were initially prepared to dismiss the above as the ravings of a lunatic mind. But then we had a rethink and concluded that this contributor needs urgent psychiatric attention. Should any of our readers come across some drunk or stoned limey asshole – just call the cops. Help us rid the world of this type of stain on the mattress of humanity.”
All of which makes no sense whatsoever. Come back Monty Python – all is forgiven.