Local Man Subjects Self to Sick Experiment

CINCINNATI, OH—In an act that can only be described as some kind of emotional masochism, David Lauder, resident single, recently created a profile on a popular website intended for dating.

The so-called “dating website” is a service that allows users, free of charge, to create a profile of themselves featuring a picture, some of their interests, and perhaps what they’re looking for in an ideal mate.

In the time since Lauder created his profile he has sent a number of messages to women he finds desirable on a variety of different levels.

RIGHT: Photo by Todd Huffman via Flickr. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

“I don’t think it’s shallow to care about looks,” Lauder said. “Maybe it would be if that’s all you cared about. But I’m deeper than that.”

Lauder’s method of determining who to contact would depend on how closely the information he could gather from a given profile would match his criteria for an ideal match.

“Some of this stuff, just… I just don’t see what it has to do with anything at all,” said Lauder.

Gesturing his hand at the computer screen, Lauder said, “I mean, what does this girl’s craving for peanut butter on rainy days tell me about what kind of spouse she would be twenty or so years down the line? I just… I don’t know.”

Although Lauder has sent several carefully thought-out and sincere messages to a select number of women, none of them have bothered to make the slightest response, or even acknowledge his virtual existence.

“What’s the point? It doesn’t matter what I say. I’m a well-spoken guy, and I’m not acting like a pig or anything. I just don’t get it,” he said while shaking his head.

Lauder further discussed what he believes could be the problem, such as fake profiles run by con artists, extortionists, or someone who’s just trying to sell you something posing as an attractive young woman.

“Is it possible that some of these girls are just using this website to get off on the ego boost?” he wondered.

Lauder then laughed off the very idea.

Author: Rusty Shackleford

Rusty Shackleford is a comedy writer typing away from a bunker in an undisclosed location.