INDIANAPOLIS – Following months of tireless debate, officials in Indiana have announced plans to introduce a workable and comprehensive bus.

Enduring decades without a recognizable public transportation system, many in the Hoosier State – particularly those living outside of Indianapolis – have written to the governor’s office to petition Governor Mitch Daniels to approve funding for a small, 48-passenger seat bus with 6 to 8 wheels. Continue Reading

INDIANAPOLIS – Having won the ‘Employee of the Month’ award for October, Mulgrove Computer Services agent Matthew Wilcox just will not shut the hell up about it.

The 43-year-old customer service agent, who won the award for “highest attainment of company call volume goals,” continues to slip his recent accolade into team meeting discussions, casual conversation with colleagues and small talk with the company’s cleaning staff. Continue Reading

INDIANAPOLIS – Not content to just sit at home, local man Brian Caskey insists it’ll take more than this lousy-ass thunderstorm to prevent him from making the stupid and highly irresponsible decision to go walking during a thunderstorm.

Heading out to a grocery store in downtown Indianapolis Monday, Caskey was seen gesticulating upward to the gloomy skies, while crying out: “is this the best you can do?” Continue Reading

CARMEL – According to reports from the driver’s side of a silver Buick Century, that damn Hummer has been on local man Jeff Foggerty’s ass for, like, at least the last 2 miles.

Even though Foggerty is himself marginally over the speed limit, the jackass in his rear view mirror clearly wants to play hardball and he should just back the eff off already. Continue Reading

Responding to ongoing criticism of its nutritional practices, fast food giant McDonald’s today announced its new healthy go-and-eat-somewhere-else option.

From December 1st, select McDonald’s chains across the country will be offering several all-new disclaimers on its menu, including “you might want to consider Subway” and “fresh market produce is often a better choice.”

“We want to offer our customer’s a wider variety when it comes to what they eat,” said McDonald’s CEO Jim Skinner. “Do you want a regular cheeseburger with large fries and a drink? Or do you want to head six miles down the road to Bigley’s Fresh Mart? Providing healthy options is part of what we do and I think it’s going to be a big success.” Continue Reading

INDIANAPOLIS – The national weather service has issued severe flood warnings across most of the Midwest ahead of this weekend, after His Lordship Almighty God went on a Friday night drinking binge.

According to heavenly sources, God – hosting a gathering of elite deities – knocked back eight cans of Miller Lite, as well as three glasses of complementary wine in a night of uncharacteristic abandon. Continue Reading

INDIANAPOLIS – Lacking the necessary analytical skills to objectively critique a work of theatre, parents of youngsters in a St Vincent High School production of Hamlet thought that the laborious, 3-hour show was pretty neat.

Congratulating her son Ben on what was actually a painfully lackluster and wooden performance in the title role, Maggie Polworth insisted that the 17-year-old was “really fun” and that he looked “very funny” in those navy blue tights. Continue Reading

INDIANAPOLIS – The Indianapolis Museum of Art (IMA) has announced plans to scale back its opening times, insisting that from August 1st it will only open to the public 5 minutes a week.

According to museum CEO Maxwell L. Anderson, the rescheduling is a “necessary step during these trying economic times.”

“It will just mean that our customer base will have to make multiple visits to the museum each year,” he said. “And while we do encourage people to spend three of their five minutes walking around our wonderful gift shop, the museum itself is still free to enter. Continue Reading

INDIANAPOLIS – Picking up local man Adrian Welles Thursday, experienced cab driver Eric McNichol professed to know this one shortcut that would get his passenger to the center of Indianapolis in around 2 to 45 minutes.

Welles’ suggestion that “we just take the normal route” was evidently lost on McNichol, who insisted that “I’m just going to take a slight detour down St. Clair,” which would have apparently transported the 29-year-old to his intended location in the time it takes to “microwave a bowl of soup or – at the very least – cook a turkey.” Continue Reading

INDIANAPOLIS – Attempting to pay a past due balance on his cell phone bill Monday, Indianapolis resident Patrick Overton spent the better part of this afternoon, which could otherwise have been devoted to finally getting around to fixing that shed door or chilling with his best friend Michael, pressing 9 for more options.

In what he imagined would be nothing more than a two-minute phone conversation, the 36-year-old, who ordinarily makes his payments online, found himself making multiple calls to his phone provider WirelessPlus before he even advanced to the secondary menu options. Continue Reading

ANDERSON – A violent tornado that ripped through the heartland of America yesterday has left thousands of damaged homes looking slightly better than they did before the catastrophe.

A level-3 warning was issued on Monday ahead of projected storms and wind gusts across parts of Indiana, with the towns of New Castle, Anderson and Daleville benefiting most from the disaster. Continue Reading

In a stunning revelation that is set to turn the Christian world on its head, Almighty God has admitted that He is a homosexual.

The Lord Above also talked at length about the “steamy and tumultuous relationship” He has had with another male deity over the past 1,462 years, but would not be drawn on His lover’s identity.

The news will come as an enormous blow to a large sect of the Christian faith, who regard homosexuality as a mortal sin – something that God Himself was quick to refute in an emergency address to His believers this morning. Continue Reading

INDIANAPOLIS – Enjoying an orange mango smoothie at a Starbucks in downtown Indianapolis Thursday, local man Zach Needham was fairly certain that some sort of job interview – probably for a really high-end position – was taking place at the next table.

Just catching up on some emails built up over the past two days, the 32-year-old web designer couldn’t help but overhear the authoritative-sounding guy immediately to his right ask the woman sitting opposite him “what sort of experience do you have with Excel 2010?” Continue Reading

GOSHEN – Celebrating her 107th birthday recently, centenarian Gladys Cadwell admitted Friday that, by golly, she is not that same, zesty 89-year-old she once was.

Waxing philosophical about those grand old times of 18 years ago, Cadwell conceded that she truly misses some of those wild days down at the bingo hall with Willa Morgan and Spike Jeffries, God rest their crazy souls. Continue Reading

MUNCIE – In a disguised attempt to let you know that he is exceptionally well-read, an acquaintance today informed you that the latest Hollywood blockbuster you are planning to view this weekend is no way near as good as the book upon which it is based.

During a painstaking 12-minute critique, the pompous little turd proceeded to describe how and why the film’s take on the story “lacked the emotional depth” of the original novel, which, in case you didn’t hear the first time, he has read about twenty times. Continue Reading

INDIANAPOLIS – The city’s employment figures were tweaked Friday, as Corporate Technology Services (CTS) – an established call center corporation on the westside of Indianapolis – revealed that it is now firing.

Expected to begin the firing process in earnest on Monday, the company is looking to increase joblessness by upward of 10%. Continue Reading