Posted in Politics

Past-Forward-thinking Governor Gradually Propelled Indiana Into the 19th Century

INDIANAPOLIS – Indiana’s past-forward-thinking and innovative Governor, Mitch Daniels, insists that, under his leadership, the state gradually caught up to the demands of the 19th Century. Citing the state’s handling of various social and economic issues under his watch, the…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Politics

Romney Used Erstwhile Campaign Funds to Purchase Hoboken, New Jersey

HOBOKEN, NJ – In a stunning revelation Friday, a close aide to former Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney claims Romney poured virtually all of his campaign funds into purchasing the city of Hoboken, New Jersey. Mr. Romney, the frontrunner challenging…

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Posted in Politics Religionism

Jesus Just Assumed That Republicans Knew About His Socialist Leanings

WASHINGTON D.C. – Speaking amid right-wing concerns that the United States is slowly becoming a socialist nation, Jesus Christ insisted Thursday that he just sort of assumed that members of the Republican Party – which comprises some of his most…

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Posted in Politics Society

Stripped of More Constitutionally Sacred Freedoms, Hoosiers View Impending Smoking Ban as No Big Whoop

INDIANAPOLIS – In light of the Indiana Supreme Court’s decision last May declaring it illegal to resist unlawful police entry into their homes and the recently passed National Defense Authorization Act of 2012, a provision of which permits indefinite detention…

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Posted in Human Interest Society

America’s Father Not Going to Tell Nation a Second Time

WESTMORELAND, VIRGINIA COLONY – As the country’s highly documented problems with civil discourse continue to spiral out of control, the Father of the United States, President George Washington, has warned that he is not going to tell the nation a…

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Posted in Politics

Romney Points to Fact That $2.8m in Taxes is Far Higher than What Most Americans Pay

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Embattled Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has defended himself over the controversy surrounding his tax percentage, insisting that the $2.8m he pays annually is “far more than what most people pay in a single year.” Speaking at…

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Posted in Music Strange People

Indiana Family Shocked to Find It’s Not 1987

GOSHEN – As most Americans were busy celebrating the coming of 2012 at midnight last night, the Albrecht family of Goshen, Indiana were surprised to find that they had not just ushered in the year 1987. Rocking away the night…

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos Society

Elderly Woman Sends Text Message

INDIANAPOLIS – An elderly woman became the talk of her family today after miraculously turning on a cellular phone and successfully typing, and then sending, a 23-word text message to her 18-year-old grandson. Maureen Hamilton, 84, is believed to have…

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Posted in Politics

Entire Population of Indiana Tired of This Sh*t

INDIANAPOLIS – Citing various factors, ranging from the lack of viable job opportunities to the general malaise of winter, the entire population of Indiana announced Saturday that it is so goddamn tired of this shit, adding: “really?”. Holy effing shart,…

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Posted in Politics

Drunken Governor Sells Indiana Back to Native Americans

INDIANAPOLIS – Calling it the most regrettable legislative decision of his career, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels – apparently under the influence of alcohol – agreed to sell the entire state of Indiana back to the Native Americans Saturday. According to…

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Posted in Health

Woman’s Weight Spirals Worryingly Under Control

YORKTOWN – During the post-Christmas period, friends and relatives of local woman Angela Hartman today noted how, in the last year, the 38-year-old’s weight has spiraled worryingly under control. Insisting that Miss Hartman “looks as if she hasn’t eaten in…

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Posted in Religionism Talky Pictures

God Getting Worryingly Into Disaster Movies

HEAVEN – In what proved a serious concern for the International Community Saturday, unconfirmed sources described how His Lordship Almighty God has “really been getting into the disaster movie genre recently,” adding: “He’s watched Twister, like, 8 times in the…

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Posted in Crime Society

Fashion Police Accused of Disproportionately Targeting Blacks

LOS ANGELES, CA – An investigation has begun into allegations that members of the fashion police have deliberately set out to target blacks during routine fashion exposes and before-and-after shots. The announcement comes after 2,000,000 eye-witnesses reported seeing singer Beyonce…

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc Celebrity Gossip

Rush Limbaugh Crushed Under Falling Vending Machine

PALM BEACH COUNTY, FL – Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh was flattened Sunday after a freak accident involving a vending machine left the 61-year-old with multiple injuries. Just 24 hours after issuing an apology to law student Sandra Fluke…

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Posted in Internets Tubes

Indiana Man Uploads Entire Life Onto Facebook

INDIANAPOLIS – Spending more than nine hours a day on Facebook, one of the site’s 800 million users, Michael Treacher, says he has successfully uploaded his entire life onto the social networking site. Not only does his profile provide thousands…

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Posted in Human Interest Society

Texas Messed With

AUSTIN, TX – It has been confirmed that the southern state of Texas was messed with today, as details of the messing continue to emerge. Little is known at present about the exact nature of the messing, but various spokesmen…

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Posted in Biz News

Adorable Indianapolis Desperately Trying to Convince Nation It a Major City

INDIANAPOLIS – As the Super Bowl nears its conclusion, the quite adorable city of Indianapolis is still desperately trying to convince the rest of the country that it is a major metropolis. Pulling in thousands of football fans from the…

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Posted in Politics

Romney Legacy: Vowed to Build an America That People Can Be Leaving

CONCORD, NH – Following a series of primary victories Tuesday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has vowed to build an America that voters from across the entire nation can truly be leaving. Winning a significant number of delegates in…

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Posted in Society

Couple Chooses to Abstain from Postmarital Sex

INDIANAPOLIS – Citing individual beliefs, core moral values and a mutual feeling of resentment toward the other person, Meredith and Anthony Boyer have pledged to experiment with the idea of abstaining from all forms of sexual activity now that they…

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Posted in Politics World News

British Prime Minister Apparently Not Tony Blair Anymore, Nation Finds

WASHINGTON D.C. – During a joint televised address designed to highlight the special relationship between the United States and Great Britain Wednesday, it was revealed to the American public that the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom is not, in…

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Posted in Biz News

Full-Time Mom ‘Looking to Go Part-Time’

INDIANAPOLIS – Full-time mother of three, Stephanie Grantham, 22, has indicated to friends and relatives that she is about to go part-time in an effort to advance her dwindling social life. Miss Grantham, who has spent 5 years managing her…

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Posted in Society

Dead Teen Suddenly Most Popular Kid in School

CUMBERLAND – Josh Stasiak, the tragic 13-year-old who was killed in an accident on the corner of Washington St and German Church Rd Wednesday, is suddenly the most popular kid at the school he attended since 2008. According to sources…

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy Strange People

UFO Sightings Reignite Debate Over Whether Intelligent Life Exists in Indiana

SCOTTSBURG – Following a spate of UFO sightings across southern Indiana Wednesday, debate has intensified once more over whether or not intelligent life exists inside the Hoosier State. Several disc-shaped crafts hovering over Scottsburg, Indiana were reported to local media…

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Posted in Travel

Indiana Fails to Make Top 50 ‘Most Interesting States In the Union’

INDIANAPOLIS – Following a year-long study by the United States Census Bureau, the state of Indiana found itself just missing out on a top fifty position in a list of the most interesting states in the union Saturday. Despite having…

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Posted in Politics

Wiretap Program ‘Proof That Government Listens to the People’

WASHINGTON – Countering suggestions that it is “out of touch” with the average American, the United States Government today declared that it always strives to listen to the voice of the people – citing its warrantless wiretap program as evidence….

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