Past-Forward-thinking Governor Gradually Propelled Indiana Into the 19th Century

INDIANAPOLIS – Indiana’s past-forward-thinking and innovative Governor, Mitch Daniels, insists that, under his leadership, the state gradually caught up to the demands of the 19th Century.

Citing the state’s handling of various social and economic issues under his watch, the 49th governor declared Tuesday that Indiana was maximizing the benefits of the ongoing industrial revolution and “leading the way” in cutting edge Victorian social reform. Read more Past-Forward-thinking Governor Gradually Propelled Indiana Into the 19th Century

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Romney Used Erstwhile Campaign Funds to Purchase Hoboken, New Jersey

HOBOKEN, NJ – In a stunning revelation Friday, a close aide to former Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney claims Romney poured virtually all of his campaign funds into purchasing the city of Hoboken, New Jersey.

Mr. Romney, the frontrunner challenging incumbent President, Barack Obama, in last year’s election, is believed to have leveraged a deal worth $150 million for the city, which houses roughly 50,000 residents and is a part of the New York metropolitan area. Read more Romney Used Erstwhile Campaign Funds to Purchase Hoboken, New Jersey

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Jesus Just Assumed That Republicans Knew About His Socialist Leanings

WASHINGTON D.C. – Speaking amid right-wing concerns that the United States is slowly becoming a socialist nation, Jesus Christ insisted Thursday that he just sort of assumed that members of the Republican Party – which comprises some of his most ardent followers – knew about his own socialist leanings.

The Son of God kept relatively quiet during the Republican presidential primaries, which saw candidates hurl vitriolic attacks against President Obama for “socializing the United States of America.” Read more Jesus Just Assumed That Republicans Knew About His Socialist Leanings

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Stripped of More Constitutionally Sacred Freedoms, Hoosiers View Impending Smoking Ban as No Big Whoop

INDIANAPOLIS – In light of the Indiana Supreme Court’s decision last May declaring it illegal to resist unlawful police entry into their homes and the recently passed National Defense Authorization Act of 2012, a provision of which permits indefinite detention without due process for any citizen deemed likely to engage or support a violent act, the majority of Hoosiers view a pending smoking ban in public places as no big whoop. Read more Stripped of More Constitutionally Sacred Freedoms, Hoosiers View Impending Smoking Ban as No Big Whoop

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America’s Father Not Going to Tell Nation a Second Time

WESTMORELAND, VIRGINIA COLONY – As the country’s highly documented problems with civil discourse continue to spiral out of control, the Father of the United States, President George Washington, has warned that he is not going to tell the nation a second time, adding: “buck up.” Read more America’s Father Not Going to Tell Nation a Second Time

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Romney Points to Fact That $2.8m in Taxes is Far Higher than What Most Americans Pay

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Embattled Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has defended himself over the controversy surrounding his tax percentage, insisting that the $2.8m he pays annually is “far more than what most people pay in a single year.”

Speaking at a campaign event in Tallahassee ahead of Saturday’s primary election, Mr Romney hit back at suggestions that he is out of touch with working families across America, who he said “only have to pay an annual average tax amount of around $6,000.” Read more Romney Points to Fact That $2.8m in Taxes is Far Higher than What Most Americans Pay

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