Past-Forward-thinking Governor Gradually Propelled Indiana Into the 19th Century

INDIANAPOLIS – Indiana’s past-forward-thinking and innovative Governor, Mitch Daniels, insists that, under his leadership, the state gradually caught up to the demands of the 19th Century.

Citing the state’s handling of various social and economic issues under his watch, the 49th governor declared Tuesday that Indiana was maximizing the benefits of the ongoing industrial revolution and “leading the way” in cutting edge Victorian social reform. Read more Past-Forward-thinking Governor Gradually Propelled Indiana Into the 19th Century

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Romney Used Erstwhile Campaign Funds to Purchase Hoboken, New Jersey

HOBOKEN, NJ – In a stunning revelation Friday, a close aide to former Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney claims Romney poured virtually all of his campaign funds into purchasing the city of Hoboken, New Jersey.

Mr. Romney, the frontrunner challenging incumbent President, Barack Obama, in last year’s election, is believed to have leveraged a deal worth $150 million for the city, which houses roughly 50,000 residents and is a part of the New York metropolitan area. Read more Romney Used Erstwhile Campaign Funds to Purchase Hoboken, New Jersey

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Jesus Just Assumed That Republicans Knew About His Socialist Leanings

WASHINGTON D.C. – Speaking amid right-wing concerns that the United States is slowly becoming a socialist nation, Jesus Christ insisted Thursday that he just sort of assumed that members of the Republican Party – which comprises some of his most ardent followers – knew about his own socialist leanings.

The Son of God kept relatively quiet during the Republican presidential primaries, which saw candidates hurl vitriolic attacks against President Obama for “socializing the United States of America.” Read more Jesus Just Assumed That Republicans Knew About His Socialist Leanings

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Stripped of More Constitutionally Sacred Freedoms, Hoosiers View Impending Smoking Ban as No Big Whoop

INDIANAPOLIS – In light of the Indiana Supreme Court’s decision last May declaring it illegal to resist unlawful police entry into their homes and the recently passed National Defense Authorization Act of 2012, a provision of which permits indefinite detention without due process for any citizen deemed likely to engage or support a violent act, the majority of Hoosiers view a pending smoking ban in public places as no big whoop. Read more Stripped of More Constitutionally Sacred Freedoms, Hoosiers View Impending Smoking Ban as No Big Whoop

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America’s Father Not Going to Tell Nation a Second Time

WESTMORELAND, VIRGINIA COLONY – As the country’s highly documented problems with civil discourse continue to spiral out of control, the Father of the United States, President George Washington, has warned that he is not going to tell the nation a second time, adding: “buck up.” Read more America’s Father Not Going to Tell Nation a Second Time

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Romney Points to Fact That $2.8m in Taxes is Far Higher than What Most Americans Pay

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Embattled Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has defended himself over the controversy surrounding his tax percentage, insisting that the $2.8m he pays annually is “far more than what most people pay in a single year.”

Speaking at a campaign event in Tallahassee ahead of Saturday’s primary election, Mr Romney hit back at suggestions that he is out of touch with working families across America, who he said “only have to pay an annual average tax amount of around $6,000.” Read more Romney Points to Fact That $2.8m in Taxes is Far Higher than What Most Americans Pay

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Indiana Family Shocked to Find It’s Not 1987

GOSHEN – As most Americans were busy celebrating the coming of 2012 at midnight last night, the Albrecht family of Goshen, Indiana were surprised to find that they had not just ushered in the year 1987.

Rocking away the night to a cassette recording of Aerosmith’s Permanent Vacation album – a favorite among the Albrechts – the family insisted that it was an “enormous shock” to find that Western civilization had advanced some 25 years since they last checked. Read more Indiana Family Shocked to Find It’s Not 1987

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Elderly Woman Sends Text Message

INDIANAPOLIS – An elderly woman became the talk of her family today after miraculously turning on a cellular phone and successfully typing, and then sending, a 23-word text message to her 18-year-old grandson.

Maureen Hamilton, 84, is believed to have navigated her way through the menu options of her Nokia 1680 handset without needing assistance – eventually arriving at the “compose message” tab inside her messages folder. Read more Elderly Woman Sends Text Message

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Drunken Governor Sells Indiana Back to Native Americans

INDIANAPOLIS – Calling it the most regrettable legislative decision of his career, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels – apparently under the influence of alcohol – agreed to sell the entire state of Indiana back to the Native Americans Saturday.

According to Daniels – who had been hosting a lavish New Years party at his residence in Indianapolis – a deal was accidentally struck over the telephone with Wabaunsee, leader of the Wabash River Potawatomi tribe, ensuring the sale of all land north of the Ohio River. Read more Drunken Governor Sells Indiana Back to Native Americans

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Woman’s Weight Spirals Worryingly Under Control

YORKTOWN – During the post-Christmas period, friends and relatives of local woman Angela Hartman today noted how, in the last year, the 38-year-old’s weight has spiraled worryingly under control.

Insisting that Miss Hartman “looks as if she hasn’t eaten in two weeks,” the woman’s mother Kathy says that her only daughter’s new diet – which consists of a 5-a-day serving of fruit, one daily Slim Fast shake and varying forms of meat-based salads – is a real cause for concern in the Hartman household. Read more Woman’s Weight Spirals Worryingly Under Control

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God Getting Worryingly Into Disaster Movies

HEAVEN – In what proved a serious concern for the International Community Saturday, unconfirmed sources described how His Lordship Almighty God has “really been getting into the disaster movie genre recently,” adding: “He’s watched Twister, like, 8 times in the last month.”

Even though disaster films are typically criticized for their lack of artistic merit, God keeps inviting other deities over to watch mindless popcorn thrillers that depict impending doom to various branches of the human race, said a spokesman. Read more God Getting Worryingly Into Disaster Movies

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Fashion Police Accused of Disproportionately Targeting Blacks

LOS ANGELES, CA – An investigation has begun into allegations that members of the fashion police have deliberately set out to target blacks during routine fashion exposes and before-and-after shots.

The announcement comes after 2,000,000 eye-witnesses reported seeing singer Beyonce attacked inside the pages of several high profile magazines earlier this month, when dozens of “highly unflattering” images of the pregnant star were allegedly exposed by fashion police. Read more Fashion Police Accused of Disproportionately Targeting Blacks

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Rush Limbaugh Crushed Under Falling Vending Machine

PALM BEACH COUNTY, FL – Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh was flattened Sunday after a freak accident involving a vending machine left the 61-year-old with multiple injuries.

Just 24 hours after issuing an apology to law student Sandra Fluke for calling her a “slut” and “a prostitute” on his live show, EMTs rushed Limbaugh to nearby Palm Beach County Hospital, where the radio personality is being treated for excruciating rib damage, three broken fingers and a fractured cheek bone. Read more Rush Limbaugh Crushed Under Falling Vending Machine

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Indiana Man Uploads Entire Life Onto Facebook

INDIANAPOLIS – Spending more than nine hours a day on Facebook, one of the site’s 800 million users, Michael Treacher, says he has successfully uploaded his entire life onto the social networking site.

Not only does his profile provide thousands of digital images of day-to-day events, but also outlines his work history, social activities and most of his secret thoughts. Read more Indiana Man Uploads Entire Life Onto Facebook

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