Month: February 2013
Road to Success Closed for Construction
Due to further initiatives from the office of Mayor Ballard, the road to success – an interstate linking life’s frustrating years with one’s potentially comfortable adult years – has closed to make way for more construction. The road, which is…
“This Page Intentionally Left Blank”
Boca Raton, Fla. (Wall Street Journal) Malcombe (Mel) Rebbit, inventor and founder of “This Page Intentionally Left Blank,” was found deceased in his car in the Harris Teeter parking lot last Tuesday. Boca Raton police issued a statement that his…
Helen Dragas Voted UVA’s “Most Admired”
As Thomas Jefferson looks down from his cloudy suite in heaven, he must be exceedingly proud of UVA for its latest attempt at breaking the status quo in popular trends. According to a poll released Sunday morning, Board of Visitors…
Rabbit Too Cute for its Own Good Starting to Annoy Other Forest Animals
Next to a cold gaggling brook, in a small but verdant patch of green, settled serenely in the heart of the North American deciduous forest–the place where that “fresh car smell” is born–lives a baby cottontail rabbit named Booby. And,…
Woman Claims “It Is What It Is” Wasn’t What It Was
A New Jersey woman has brought charges against a local yoga instructor for misleading her into believing a simple saying could solve most of her life problems. In her complaint, Marilyn Johnson, a hairdresser from Hoboken, claims that Karma, aka…
Cops to Use Womb as Rape Evidence Locker
Swee Chung Ting, an alleged rape victim in New Mexico, is seeking to charge the state for use of her womb as an evidence locker. It began with submission of legislation to make abortion illegal in New Mexico in cases…
Piers Morgan Admits: “I’m Pretty Much a Wanker”
After months of struggle with public pressure in the United States and Great Britain, Piers Morgan has come out to confess that he is a wanker. The admission came in a tearful interview with Oprah Winfrey, where the Limey Leprechaun…
KKK Allows More Gays than Boy Scouts
The Boy Scouts of America has announced that they are considering thinking about the possibility of forming an exploratory committee to allow gays among their ranks. But the Klan has been doing that for decades. Boy Scouts of America has…
Kim Jong-un Places 2nd in North Korean Barbecue Competition
It was merely a common single rainbow that heralded Kim Jong-un’s 2nd place finish this weekend at the First Annual North Korean BBQ Blowout in Pyongyang. State media praised the supreme leader of North Korea for his grilling expertise, noting…
Beavis, Butthead Steal Car, Shoot Out Wayne LaPierre’s Windshield
Beavis and Butthead were taken into custody today after they allegedly stole a car, purchased an unregistered weapon at a gun show, then used it to shoot out the windshield of Wayne LaPierre’s car, according to a police report. The…