After months of struggle with public pressure in the United States and Great Britain, Piers Morgan has come out to confess that he is a wanker.
The admission came in a tearful interview with Oprah Winfrey, where the Limey Leprechaun discussed his deep thoughts on life as an international celebrity, including tips on how to overcome emotional distress.
“There really is no logical explanation for this discombobulation,” said Morgan. “I have to make this confession for society, for humanity and for the greater good itself. I am pretty much a wanker, and nothing is going to change that.”
Within minutes of the interview’s broadcasting, crowds lined the streets of London and New York City to celebrate Morgan’s announcement. Many in the jubilant masses carried signs reading “HE FINALLY GOT OFF!” and “THAT WAS NOT SO HARD!”
In a move meant to emphasize his commitment to a life of forthrightness regarding the issue, Morgan has promised to take a second look at Ted Nugent’s machine gun, especially its long and firm discharge barrel.
CNN President Jeff Zucker tried to avoid questions from the press about Morgan’s emotional confession, but he did admit that “This matter has more to do with size than gravity.”