Obama: Nat King Cole Song is ‘Homophobic’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Americans have been left in shock after President Obama issued a statement characterizing Nat King Cole’s famous “Christmas Song” as homophobic.

In a press conference held late on Friday, Obama explained that his uneasiness with the classic tune stems from the following verse:

They know that Santa’s on his way
He’s loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh,
And ev’ry mother’s child is gonna spy, Read more Obama: Nat King Cole Song is ‘Homophobic’

Obama: Nat King Cole Song is ‘Homophobic’

Likud Party Withdraws Support, Obama Government Collapses

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After several long hours of wrangling over the type of missiles to employ when the United States strikes Tehran next week, the Likud Party withdrew its support from President Barack Obama’s governing coalition, causing it to fall apart.

The withdrawal of Likud, which comprises 30 percent of all the seats in the House of Koshers, resulted in the government dropping below the 51 percent of seats needed to maintain power, and led to the scheduling of fresh elections for late December. Read more Likud Party Withdraws Support, Obama Government Collapses

Likud Party Withdraws Support, Obama Government Collapses

Millions Mourn South African Terrorist

JOHANNESBURG – With wails running free across the air, millions of grieving humans gathered in Sandton Square on Friday afternoon to mourn the passing of a great and respected national terrorist from South Africa.

Participants interviewed expressed an almost uniform admiration for the late terrorist, with many fighting back an outpour of their emotions.

“He was just so perfect,” said tourist Jean Paul Golddollar between a tear-soaked handkerchief. “No matter how much the Western governments tried, they failed to extinguish his drive to kill innocent people.” Read more Millions Mourn South African Terrorist

Millions Mourn South African Terrorist

Harvard Law Launches “Stupidity is No Barrier” Policy

CAMBRIDGE – A new policy ratified by Harvard Law School will ensure that admissions officers do not discriminate against candidates on account of their stupidity.

The fresh statute includes a clause which says “No heterosexual, homosexual, transsexual, genderfluid or transfag admissions staffer may disqualify a candidate on account of stupidity, which includes low academic performance or general inability to function intelligently in a difficult situation.” Read more Harvard Law Launches “Stupidity is No Barrier” Policy

Harvard Law Launches “Stupidity is No Barrier” Policy

Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a landmark vote on Monday morning, the Libertarian-controlled Congress passed a bill eliminating all prohibitions on child labor in the United States.

Standing outside the Capitol Building, large swaths of supporters wearing Ayn Rand t-shirts emblazoned with the words “Our Market, Our Money, Our Bank Accounts” cheered loudly as House Speaker Paul Ryan read the tally.

“With 357 votes in the affirmative, the Congress of these United States has decided to put the market first. For far too long this sick regulatory environment has been strangling the life out of individualism and family values.” Read more Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor

Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor

Al Franken Reportedly Butthurt Over C-SPAN Broadcast

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Critics on the right and left are calling for C-SPAN to apologize after one of its production crew members wrongly configured Senator Al Franken’s identification bar during a broadcast, leading to heaps of butthurt.

The incident occurred late Sunday evening, when Franken was on the network’s panel to discuss his support for immigration reform. When the identification bar materialized on-screen, it listed him with the title of “Al Franken D-Moron,” rather than the appropriate title of Minnesota. Read more Al Franken Reportedly Butthurt Over C-SPAN Broadcast

Al Franken Reportedly Butthurt Over C-SPAN Broadcast