Posted in Music Politics

Obama: Nat King Cole Song is ‘Homophobic’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Americans have been left in shock after President Obama issued a statement characterizing Nat King Cole’s famous “Christmas Song” as homophobic. In a press conference held late on Friday, Obama explained that his uneasiness with the classic…

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Posted in Politics World News

Likud Party Withdraws Support, Obama Government Collapses

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After several long hours of wrangling over the type of missiles to employ when the United States strikes Tehran next week, the Likud Party withdrew its support from President Barack Obama’s governing coalition, causing it to fall…

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Posted in Politics Religionism World News

Millions Mourn South African Terrorist

JOHANNESBURG – With wails running free across the air, millions of grieving humans gathered in Sandton Square on Friday afternoon to mourn the passing of a great and respected national terrorist from South Africa. Participants interviewed expressed an almost uniform…

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Posted in Politics

Harvard Law Launches “Stupidity is No Barrier” Policy

CAMBRIDGE – A new policy ratified by Harvard Law School will ensure that admissions officers do not discriminate against candidates on account of their stupidity. The fresh statute includes a clause which says “No heterosexual, homosexual, transsexual, genderfluid or transfag…

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Posted in Politics

Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a landmark vote on Monday morning, the Libertarian-controlled Congress passed a bill eliminating all prohibitions on child labor in the United States. Standing outside the Capitol Building, large swaths of supporters wearing Ayn Rand t-shirts emblazoned…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Politics

Al Franken Reportedly Butthurt Over C-SPAN Broadcast

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Critics on the right and left are calling for C-SPAN to apologize after one of its production crew members wrongly configured Senator Al Franken’s identification bar during a broadcast, leading to heaps of butthurt. The incident occurred…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Scandal: Obama Admits Pansexual Affair

WASHINGTON – Tears and beers were the currency in the West Wing as news broke that President Barack Obama confessed to a “torrid and greasy” pansexual affair. Obama could scarcely hold back the tears as he recounted to the press…

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Posted in Crime Society

“Gun of Passion” Argument Likely to Acquit Zimmerman

SANFORD – The prospects of George Zimmerman’s conviction are looking grim after his defense lawyers presented an incredible, jaw-dropping defense of the former neighborhood watchman: the gun of passion. Zimmerman’s attorneys offered the argument after hearing a long, and often…

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Posted in World News

DPRK Adds Second “Democratic” to Name

PYONGYANG – In a move that is receiving widespread international approval, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has added a second “Democratic” to its name, paving the way for what Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un describes as “A new era of…

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Posted in Crime Television

Libertarians Claim James Gandolfini Killed By CIA

In the wake of The Sopranos star James Gandolfini’s sudden death,libertarians everywhere are saying the actor was assassinated by the Central Intelligence Agency. Just after getting word of the Gandolfini’s tragic passing, the website ronpaulrulz posted the following conspiratorial explanation:

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Posted in Politics

New ‘Trans-Jewish’ Movement Sparks Outrage

A new movement being popularized on Tumblr is seeking to show solidarity with individuals worldwide who feel they are “Trans-Jewish.” According to other posts on the page, the author is concerned with giving a voice to people such as himself,…

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Posted in Politics

Plumbers Rush to Stop NSA Leak

FORT MEADE – After gaining word of a tremendous NSA leak, plumbers in Staten Island and across the country dashed to Maryland in hopes of averting an insurance claim disaster. Led by Joe Wurzelbacher and John McCain, the group of…

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Posted in Politics World News

Michele Bachman Comes Out as Eggplant

ST. PAUL – Democrats and Republicans alike are in shock after famed Congresswoman Michele Bachmann announced her exit from the closet as a proud American Eggplant. The move, which came after her recent decision not to seek reelection to the…

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Posted in Society

General Mills to Introduce Biracial Cheerios

GOLDEN VALLEY – General Mills is attracting wide attention after announcing it will introduce a new, interracial line of Cheerios. The decision comes in the wake of controversy generated by a cute ad of the company’s, which showcases an interracial…

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Posted in Politics

Report: Obama Fails to Check Privilege

The White House is on the defense after President Obama was caught failing to check his cisgender privilege at the announcement of a new cabinet appointment. According to reports, the president referred to UN Ambassador nominee Norrie Powers as “she,”…

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Posted in Health Society

Tea Party Warns of Threat to American Onion

TOPEKA – Members of the Kansas Tea Party are drawing considerable attention after they released a documentary warning of a threat to the “American Onion.” Director Shelley Burnell explained her film’s purpose, saying: “For generations America has existed as an…

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Posted in Politics Serious Commentary

Poll: Majority Concede Overt Racist Moseley Likely Right

ENGLAND – In the wake of Thursday’s vicious attack in London, a new poll finds that a majority of the British public now believe the fascist leader Oswald Moseley was right when he condemned liberal immigration policies in the 1950s….

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Posted in Health Politics

Report: Libertarianism Classified As Mental Disorder

In a development that is stirring nationwide anger, the American Psychological Association has released a report classifying Libertarianism as a mental disorder. Head researcher Paul Keynes discussed the organization’s findings, which were gleaned from a 10-year study that interviewed and…

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Posted in Religionism

Gay Muslim Arrested for “Loving Mohammed”

RIYADH – An openly gay Muslim has been arrested by religious police for professing his desire to “make love” with the prophet Mohammed. According to eyewitness reports, Omar al-Haard was accosted by thirty police officers after being caught in a…

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Posted in Health Society

Study: Libertarians Enjoy BDSM More Than Fascists

Results of a new study completed by Grove City College suggest self-identifying libertarians like Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism (BDSM) relationships more than their opposites on the political spectrum: the fascists. Out of the 10000 people polled (split 50-50…

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