Obama: Nat King Cole Song is ‘Homophobic’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Americans have been left in shock after President Obama issued a statement characterizing Nat King Cole’s famous “Christmas Song” as homophobic.

In a press conference held late on Friday, Obama explained that his uneasiness with the classic tune stems from the following verse:

They know that Santa’s on his way
He’s loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh,
And ev’ry mother’s child is gonna spy, Read more Obama: Nat King Cole Song is ‘Homophobic’

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Likud Party Withdraws Support, Obama Government Collapses

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After several long hours of wrangling over the type of missiles to employ when the United States strikes Tehran next week, the Likud Party withdrew its support from President Barack Obama’s governing coalition, causing it to fall apart.

The withdrawal of Likud, which comprises 30 percent of all the seats in the House of Koshers, resulted in the government dropping below the 51 percent of seats needed to maintain power, and led to the scheduling of fresh elections for late December. Read more Likud Party Withdraws Support, Obama Government Collapses

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Millions Mourn South African Terrorist

JOHANNESBURG – With wails running free across the air, millions of grieving humans gathered in Sandton Square on Friday afternoon to mourn the passing of a great and respected national terrorist from South Africa.

Participants interviewed expressed an almost uniform admiration for the late terrorist, with many fighting back an outpour of their emotions.

“He was just so perfect,” said tourist Jean Paul Golddollar between a tear-soaked handkerchief. “No matter how much the Western governments tried, they failed to extinguish his drive to kill innocent people.” Read more Millions Mourn South African Terrorist

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Harvard Law Launches “Stupidity is No Barrier” Policy

CAMBRIDGE – A new policy ratified by Harvard Law School will ensure that admissions officers do not discriminate against candidates on account of their stupidity.

The fresh statute includes a clause which says “No heterosexual, homosexual, transsexual, genderfluid or transfag admissions staffer may disqualify a candidate on account of stupidity, which includes low academic performance or general inability to function intelligently in a difficult situation.” Read more Harvard Law Launches “Stupidity is No Barrier” Policy

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Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a landmark vote on Monday morning, the Libertarian-controlled Congress passed a bill eliminating all prohibitions on child labor in the United States.

Standing outside the Capitol Building, large swaths of supporters wearing Ayn Rand t-shirts emblazoned with the words “Our Market, Our Money, Our Bank Accounts” cheered loudly as House Speaker Paul Ryan read the tally.

“With 357 votes in the affirmative, the Congress of these United States has decided to put the market first. For far too long this sick regulatory environment has been strangling the life out of individualism and family values.” Read more Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor

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Al Franken Reportedly Butthurt Over C-SPAN Broadcast

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Critics on the right and left are calling for C-SPAN to apologize after one of its production crew members wrongly configured Senator Al Franken’s identification bar during a broadcast, leading to heaps of butthurt.

The incident occurred late Sunday evening, when Franken was on the network’s panel to discuss his support for immigration reform. When the identification bar materialized on-screen, it listed him with the title of “Al Franken D-Moron,” rather than the appropriate title of Minnesota. Read more Al Franken Reportedly Butthurt Over C-SPAN Broadcast

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Scandal: Obama Admits Pansexual Affair

WASHINGTON – Tears and beers were the currency in the West Wing as news broke that President Barack Obama confessed to a “torrid and greasy” pansexual affair.

Obama could scarcely hold back the tears as he recounted to the press details of his many intimate encounters with a Cuisinart 2000 frying pan during the period of October 2011 to January 2013, when he finally was enough relieved by entering into a second term and broke off the relationship. Describing the affair Obama said: Read more Scandal: Obama Admits Pansexual Affair

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“Gun of Passion” Argument Likely to Acquit Zimmerman

SANFORD – The prospects of George Zimmerman’s conviction are looking grim after his defense lawyers presented an incredible, jaw-dropping defense of the former neighborhood watchman: the gun of passion.

Zimmerman’s attorneys offered the argument after hearing a long, and often intellectually stimulating testimony by Rachel Jeantel, who allegedly has “da dirt on whitey.” When Jeantel finished, lead defense lawyer Don West took the floor and cleared his throat, saying: Read more “Gun of Passion” Argument Likely to Acquit Zimmerman

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DPRK Adds Second “Democratic” to Name

PYONGYANG – In a move that is receiving widespread international approval, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has added a second “Democratic” to its name, paving the way for what Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un describes as “A new era of rove.”

The decision came after months of quibbling in the dictator’s nursery, where supreme economic officials argued the socialist backwater must remold its appearance in order to attract more tourists and commercial interests. Read more DPRK Adds Second “Democratic” to Name

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New ‘Trans-Jewish’ Movement Sparks Outrage

A new movement being popularized on Tumblr is seeking to show solidarity with individuals worldwide who feel they are “Trans-Jewish.”

According to other posts on the page, the author is concerned with giving a voice to people such as himself, who were born in the wrong religion but are not being accepted by the world. He recounts his experience of coming out as trans-Jewish to his father with the following post: Read more New ‘Trans-Jewish’ Movement Sparks Outrage

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Plumbers Rush to Stop NSA Leak

FORT MEADE – After gaining word of a tremendous NSA leak, plumbers in Staten Island and across the country dashed to Maryland in hopes of averting an insurance claim disaster.

Led by Joe Wurzelbacher and John McCain, the group of crusading pipe-fixers donned 1UP t-shirts and sang the Mario Bros. theme song as they surrounded the NSA headquarters and formed a human wall against the leaking ooze, which is believed to have originated in a clogged septic tank in the building’s basement. Read more Plumbers Rush to Stop NSA Leak

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Michele Bachman Comes Out as Eggplant

ST. PAUL – Democrats and Republicans alike are in shock after famed Congresswoman Michele Bachmann announced her exit from the closet as a proud American Eggplant.

The move, which came after her recent decision not to seek reelection to the U.S. House of Representatives, is being called the “new, softer side” of the Minnesota firebrand.

Standing before the press corps on the veranda of her home with husband Marcus at her side and wearing a full-sized eggplant costume with a green stalk hat, Bachmann explained how she came to accept her identity as an eggplant, something she has struggled with since her early days living in a Kibbutz in Israel.

“I always saw myself as an eggplant in Israel, and believe this change is all for the better. As President Obama continues to ramp up his plans to invade our greatest ally and install Van Jones as dictator of Jerusalem, the country needs a strong advocate for its own defense.” Read more Michele Bachman Comes Out as Eggplant

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General Mills to Introduce Biracial Cheerios

GOLDEN VALLEY – General Mills is attracting wide attention after announcing it will introduce a new, interracial line of Cheerios.

The decision comes in the wake of controversy generated by a cute ad of the company’s, which showcases an interracial couple and their daughter.

CEO Clarence Podell discussed the new line of cereal at a press conference, where he spoke glowingly about everything from milk chocolate to three-cheese pizza and goober grape jelly. Read more General Mills to Introduce Biracial Cheerios

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Report: Obama Fails to Check Privilege

The White House is on the defense after President Obama was caught failing to check his cisgender privilege at the announcement of a new cabinet appointment.

According to reports, the president referred to UN Ambassador nominee Norrie Powers as “she,” violating the general principles of respect for unique sexual identities. Powers is in fact a neutral sex, non-binary genderqueer, omnigendered, transman, pangender, aromantic, demisexual and anti-sexual transfag. Read more Report: Obama Fails to Check Privilege

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Tea Party Warns of Threat to American Onion

TOPEKA – Members of the Kansas Tea Party are drawing considerable attention after they released a documentary warning of a threat to the “American Onion.”

Director Shelley Burnell explained her film’s purpose, saying:

“For generations America has existed as an onion of sovereign states, and that tradition is being threatened by liberal politicians seeking to undermine the fundamental layers of constitutionalism and proper government. Read more Tea Party Warns of Threat to American Onion

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Poll: Majority Concede Overt Racist Moseley Likely Right

ENGLAND – In the wake of Thursday’s vicious attack in London, a new poll finds that a majority of the British public now believe the fascist leader Oswald Moseley was right when he condemned liberal immigration policies in the 1950s.

A survey commissioned by The Times on Monday which polled twenty-thousand people came back with 56 percent in favor of Moseley’s positions, 40 percent against, and 4 percent answering “I’m a multiculturalist-Liberal-Democratic-Faggot.” Read more Poll: Majority Concede Overt Racist Moseley Likely Right

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Report: Libertarianism Classified As Mental Disorder

In a development that is stirring nationwide anger, the American Psychological Association has released a report classifying Libertarianism as a mental disorder.

Head researcher Paul Keynes discussed the organization’s findings, which were gleaned from a 10-year study that interviewed and tested over one hundred thousand self-described libertarians. He said: Read more Report: Libertarianism Classified As Mental Disorder

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