San Francisco Announces 100% Homosexuality Milestone

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (GlossyNews) — The San Francisco City Council held a prime time press conference yesterday evening to announce some groundbreaking news for the inhabitants of the City by the Bay: “Our citizens now self-identify as 100 percent gay.”

The last registered heterosexual in the city moved out on October 30th, helping the coastal region of Northern California achieve its long-awaited milestone of developing the first major metropolitan area in the country with a completely gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender population. Read more San Francisco Announces 100% Homosexuality Milestone

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Meg Whitman Found Huddled in Pantry Crying “Where’s My Money?”

ATHERTON, Calif. (GlossyNews) — Meg Whitman, the former CEO of eBay, has spent upwards of $160 million of her own money in a run for California Governor, which easily tops the private spending of any candidate elsewhere in the entire universe, or at least the part of the universe we are aware of.

But what if she loses? Unlike Web sites that barter discarded baubles and quaint refuse to the highest bidder, elections gamble with higher stakes and less assured odds. Whitman’s campaign workers admitted that their candidate has slowly come to the realization that winning political office is less like outbidding shut-ins during an electronic auction and more like hitting the payout on a slot machine in an Indian gaming casino. As a result, Whitman was recently found huddled in her pantry among half-empty tins of duck liver pate and those little pieces of petit toasts, threatening to slit her wrists with the spreading knives if someone didn’t tell her where her money was. Read more Meg Whitman Found Huddled in Pantry Crying “Where’s My Money?”

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US wins Supercomputer Race w/ Record-Breaking Chinese Computer

It was announced this week that China now owns the world’s fastest computer, which is a great victory for Americans, since the technology is far from new, and the technology all comes from Santa Clara, California. That’s clearly a boon for capitalism.

While the fans and power cables may have been sourced in China (no confirmation as of yet, they may have as likely come from Japan or India,) the chips powering the world’s fastest supercomputer are indeed nothing short of left-coast American bred. Read more US wins Supercomputer Race w/ Record-Breaking Chinese Computer

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Chiclones and Windpocalypses and NDizzards, Oh My

EDITORIAL (GlossyNews) — Meteorologists, or Weather Forecasters as they like to refer to themselves, have always found it hard to keep their audiences happy. If they call for sunshine and it rains, the first people blamed are the forecasters. For meteorologists, predicting some really foul weather and getting people to prepare for the worst — only to realize they had it all wrong — is a nightmare of gruesome proportions: the kind of nightmare that still jolts former FEMA head Mike Brown from nocturnal visions of prancing Arabian horses. The ugly viewer comments after the issuance of an all-clear are enough to make the sturdiest weather forecasters fall to their knees and pray to God for a disaster to strike. Read more Chiclones and Windpocalypses and NDizzards, Oh My

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Halloween Safety Tips to Avoid Raisin Poisonation

Halloween will soon be upon us. Here are some simple tips that should help keep the holiday safe and fun for everyone.

1. When planning your children’s trick-or-treating route, stick to residential neighborhoods. Try to avoid deserted industrial areas, construction sites, and toxic waste dumps.

2. Novelty contact lenses can add a new dimension to a Halloween costume. Please get yours from a licensed eye care professional; resist the temptation to create your own using an empty plastic water bottle, a razor blade, and a set of colored markers. Read more Halloween Safety Tips to Avoid Raisin Poisonation

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Sally Field Implodes as Entire Skeletal Structure Collapses

Appearing at a news conference plopped inside a prosthetic device that could only be described as a bucket, Sally Field wondered if anyone will still like her after she experienced a violent adverse reaction to the osteoporosis drug, Boniva.

“A few days ago I finally decided to read the million-word warning label after touting this crap on TV all these years,” testified a barely audible Field, “and I noticed that parts of it were blacked out like some kind of secret CIA document being released to the public. So I decided to call my agent, who got me into this mess, and while I was on hold-there’s no other word for it-I imploded. Read more Sally Field Implodes as Entire Skeletal Structure Collapses

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Kennedy Ctr Pre-Humously Honor Hugh “Playboy Bunny” Hefner

Famed soft core porn peddler Hugh Hefner will be among the Lifetime Achievement Award winners at 2011 Kennedy Center ceremonies. The announcement immediately stirred controversy, since it marks the first time the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts has honored a person outside the strict definition of performing arts. Reaction was equally swift; KCPA media spokesman Adam Lambert did a press conference to explain the choice, and Agriculture Secretary Vilsack fired Aretha Franklin. Read more Kennedy Ctr Pre-Humously Honor Hugh “Playboy Bunny” Hefner

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