Month: October 2010
San Francisco Announces 100% Homosexuality Milestone
SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (GlossyNews) — The San Francisco City Council held a prime time press conference yesterday evening to announce some groundbreaking news for the inhabitants of the City by the Bay: “Our citizens now self-identify as 100 percent gay.”…
Meg Whitman Found Huddled in Pantry Crying “Where’s My Money?”
ATHERTON, Calif. (GlossyNews) — Meg Whitman, the former CEO of eBay, has spent upwards of $160 million of her own money in a run for California Governor, which easily tops the private spending of any candidate elsewhere in the entire…
US wins Supercomputer Race w/ Record-Breaking Chinese Computer
It was announced this week that China now owns the world’s fastest computer, which is a great victory for Americans, since the technology is far from new, and the technology all comes from Santa Clara, California. That’s clearly a boon…
Chiclones and Windpocalypses and NDizzards, Oh My
EDITORIAL (GlossyNews) — Meteorologists, or Weather Forecasters as they like to refer to themselves, have always found it hard to keep their audiences happy. If they call for sunshine and it rains, the first people blamed are the forecasters. For…
Halloween Safety Tips to Avoid Raisin Poisonation
Halloween will soon be upon us. Here are some simple tips that should help keep the holiday safe and fun for everyone. 1. When planning your children’s trick-or-treating route, stick to residential neighborhoods. Try to avoid deserted industrial areas, construction…
Sally Field Implodes as Entire Skeletal Structure Collapses
Appearing at a news conference plopped inside a prosthetic device that could only be described as a bucket, Sally Field wondered if anyone will still like her after she experienced a violent adverse reaction to the osteoporosis drug, Boniva. “A…
Kennedy Ctr Pre-Humously Honor Hugh “Playboy Bunny” Hefner
Famed soft core porn peddler Hugh Hefner will be among the Lifetime Achievement Award winners at 2011 Kennedy Center ceremonies. The announcement immediately stirred controversy, since it marks the first time the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts has honored…
Banks Face Fines for Murdering Delinquent Homeowners
DOVER, Delaware (GlossyNews) – Justice Department investigators confirmed today they are considering possible fines and other penalties against several of the United States’ largest financial institutions for the murders of hundreds of homeowners delinquent in their mortgage payments. The Justice…
Whitman Camp Lauds $162million in Personal Stimulus
Even though she may have intended it to lead her to the highest gubernatorial office in the land, she’s just happy to do her part… if you can accept all that.