Archive | Technology

Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet

Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA. — Scientists with the NASA space program recently uncovered several million gallons of potable water — though no traces of carbonated liquid of any kind — on a large, nearby planet in what is being pronounced “a hugely disappointing discovery that in no way whatsoever helps the human species or its quest to find a realistically habitable alternative to Earth,” sources report. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Science, Technology4 Comments

Prepare the Anti-Matter Beam!

Prepare the Anti-Matter Beam!

Those words are not coming from a Star Trek script, or a Sci-Fi movie, they are actually being given by the scientists of ASACUSA , a multi-disciplinary collaboration between CERN and Japan’s RIKEN research center.

ASACUSA team leader, Yasunori Yamazaki is some kind of Captain Kirk for these guys, requesting things like:

-Check the superconducting anti-Helmholtz coil!
-Scan the multiple ring electrodes!
-Prepare the microwave cavity and a beam-focusing spin-selector ready for operation!
-Check all stats for Fantasy football!
(Ok, that one is mine! lol)
I can actually imagine the whole Star Trek crew, like in an episode of the famous TV show, and myself finding stats at sports websites like Sports Betting Dime.
But the future is now, and those are real engineering marvels that put us a little closer to the answers we´re looking for…

But, what´s the deal with anti-matter stuff?

Sci-Fi movies were able to educate us enough to know that matter and anti-matter annihilate each other in a flash of energy when they interact… Do you remember Angels & Demons by Dan Brown? Something like that.

In this case, scientists are trying to understand why matter prevails in this Universe of ours. If anti-matter and matter co-exist in balance (that’s what we think they do), why is anti-matter so difficult to perceive?

In order to find the answers, Europe’s CERN research center set a new number of particle-smashing experiments, including a special trap. The anti-matter, shows a particular problem–it’s hard to keep the atoms in existence long enough to make fine-scale measurements.

So, this special magnetic trap located at CERN’s Anti-proton Decelerator facility is making the difference for scientists, “bringing the possibility to guide the energetic anti-atoms to a region with a weak magnetic field. This is so we can have high-precision studies of anti-hydrogen atoms, particularly the hyper-fine structure, one of the two best known spectroscopic properties of hydrogen” Yasunori Yamazaki said.

These “mad” scientists won’t build an anti-matter cannon to destroy an asteroid (Why not?), but their discoveries will bring more possibilities to use anti-matter knowledge for medical purposes, like the PET scanners that actually are used by hospitals around the world to take snapshots of our bodies.

So, the next time you hear “Prepare the anti-matter beam!” turn your attention to the Swiss-French border… chances are Captain Kirk is there!

Share

Posted in Technology, Television7 Comments

78% of Radio Shack 1993 Catalog Is on Your Phone, but Better

78% of Radio Shack 1993 Catalog Is on Your Phone, but Better

I recently got to reminiscing of days gone by. When I was young, carefree, and studied the Radio Shack catalog even more religiously than religion, and I was religious.

When I realized, all those gizmos and gadgets I so desperately wanted are now all on the phone in my pocket, and they’re much better, and much cheaper, and we all have access to them.

I decided to dig up an old Radio Shack catalog, choosing 1993 as it was roundly 20-years ago, and found it conveniently hosted here at Radio Shack’s official page. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Technology6 Comments

Evil Excel Spreadsheet Doing Everything In Power to Stop Guy Leaving Work on Time

Evil Excel Spreadsheet Doing Everything In Power to Stop Guy Leaving Work on Time

INDIANAPOLIS – Seemingly not content to just let office worker Aaron McMillan clock out of work at the regular time of five-thirty, a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet is doing everything in its Goddamn power Monday to make sure that McMillan stays behind at least another 3 minutes, while it just does its thing.

Taking an effing lifetime to finish saving, the spreadsheet, which the 31-year-old Wepler Finance employee had seamlessly used throughout his schedule to input the company’s quarterly profits, initially seemed to be closing down before it just now froze up. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Internets Tubes, Technology0 Comments

Large Hadron Collider ‘Not Taken Over By Sinister Villain Who Plans To Take Over The World’

Large Hadron Collider ‘Not Taken Over By Sinister Villain Who Plans To Take Over The World’

Breaking News from Switzerland today, the Swiss Government are under scrutiny after an inside source leaked that Large Hadron Collider nicknamed ‘The Black Hole Generator’ by cyber geeks with no life, may have been ‘acquired’ by the power hungry megalomaniac Dr Apocalypse.

The world’s largest and highest-energy particle accelerator in the hands of such a man could spell the end for humanity as we know it.

Swiss officials are quick to deny rumors that the Large Hadron Collider has been taken over by the criminal mastermind stating “there is no need to panic, the LHC is safe where we left it and it is none of your business why my family has relocated to an underground bunker.”

See the rest of the story on YouTube, or scroll down for the video.

Share

Posted in Technology, Video News0 Comments

Local scientist and teen killed in freak Delorean accident

Local scientist and teen killed in freak Delorean accident

An eccentric inventor and local teen were killed yesterday when the Delorean in which they were riding crashed into a wall at about 90 mph. Martin McFly, 18, and Dr. Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown, age unavailable, were pronounced “really dead” at the scene. Homeland Security became involved in the investigation after radiation was discovered to be leaking from what authorities are calling a “flux capacitor” in the back of the vehicle. Federal investigators are calling the incident a possible “thwarted act of terrorism”. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Technology1 Comment

Shopping Conundrum: Sub-Featherweight Micro SD Card or 11+lbs of CF Cards?

Shopping Conundrum: Sub-Featherweight Micro SD Card or 11+lbs of CF Cards?

The first time I bought memory was on the eve of my first trip to China in January of 2001. I’d never been to Asia and figured, “hey, Shanghai is a place I’ve heard of, so off I went.

My 2.1 megapixel Canon Digital Elph which was a killer deal at the time at $430. A truly exceptional camera. My prints from this and other trips were eventually shown in a gallery in Kirkland, Washington, and over the course of a year I even sold about two. Not a profitable hobby. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Technology0 Comments

5th Grader Tells Friend Personal Secret, Now Wanted by NSA for Revealing Government Secrets

5th Grader Tells Friend Personal Secret, Now Wanted by NSA for Revealing Government Secrets

WASHINGTON — Federal authorities yesterday filed espionage charges against Area Fifth-grader Eddie Rainden for allegedly disclosing to an unnamed classmate that he still, on occasion, pees the bed, a secret over which the NSA is claiming ownership since, according to the government agency, they recorded the 10-year-old telling his grandmother about the bladder-control issue over a phone call three days prior to the in-class disclosure. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Technology, World News0 Comments

Windows 8.1 Invites 100k Testers, Discards All Data

Windows 8.1 Invites 100k Testers, Discards All Data

Microsoft has undertaken the biggest Operating System test in history by inviting 100,000 users to labs around the world to test their new platfrom. More than 5 million pages of data was collected, all of which were discarded.

“It wasn’t easy to deal with all the data,” said project manager Abe Zeekstrom, “but after pulling it all together, we managed to do it.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Internets Tubes, Technology1 Comment

Report: 10% of Facebook Users Unaware Others Can See Their Posts

Report: 10% of Facebook Users Unaware Others Can See Their Posts

PALO ALTO, CALIF — In a recent Pew Research Center study, a reported 10% of Facebook users are oblivious to the fact that other people can see what they write.

The study alleges that of that 10% of naive morons, 50% are systematically confusing “statuses” with “private messages,” 35% are utterly uncertain about what a “facebook” is exactly, and the remaining 15% are simply illiterate. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Technology1 Comment

Advice Column: Computer Fix Is In, All the Way

Advice Column: Computer Fix Is In, All the Way

Dear Dink,

Do you know anything about computers? My computer is very slow. It often takes a minute or more to download images or video. I have tried to clean the cache and do a defrag, but whenever I try these my system crashes. I give up!

Hacked Off

Dear Off,

You’ve been looking at porn again haven’t you? Shame shame shame on you. Porn is bad and that is God’s way of striking you down, ha ha.

Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Technology2 Comments

Microst Office Assistant Finds New Life (comic)

Microst Office Assistant Finds New Life (comic)

Arguably one of the greatest inventions of software is the oft-forgotten fellow named “Clippy”. You remember him, he would constantly interrupt you when you were trying to do something productive.

If you started a document with the word “dear”, that worthless bucket of crap would show up to try to give you some completely useless advice you didn’t want, couldn’t use, and couldn’t figure out how to get rid of.

But in 2013, I became a cartoonist. Not a good one, mind you, but it is what it is. And in my world, Clippy still has some use.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

Share

Posted in Comics, Technology1 Comment

Report: Man Fails to Give Damn

Report: Man Fails to Give Damn

OCEAN CITY – Family, relatives, and friends are in mourning after a man announced he does not give a damn about life, the universe, or anything.

Morgan Carlyle, 46, made the announcement as he left his job at Burger Blast on Saturday, and has since been cooped up in his apartment by city hall, where he is attempting to avoid speaking to the press.

Recorded audio of the fateful moment reveals Carlyle’s blunt message to the country. “The simple reality is, I just don’t give a damn anymore. Nothing is going to change that — not even ecstasy.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Society, Technology0 Comments

Consumers Wowed by PNC “Free iPad” Promotion

Consumers Wowed by PNC “Free iPad” Promotion

Consumer circles are going wild over a new promotion being offered by PNC Bank to first-time clients who opt to open an account with the nationwide financial company.

Anyone who pays a non-refundable, $700 bank fee under the promotion is eligible to receive an Apple iPad, absolutely free of charge.

“What we are shooting for here is great value in every new customer’s experience with PNC Bank,” said Mark Maners, PNC’s chief marketing operative. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Biz News, Technology0 Comments

N,. Korean Missile Found to be Powered by Diet Pepsi, Mentos

N,. Korean Missile Found to be Powered by Diet Pepsi, Mentos

A long range missile shot by North Korea over Japan on Sunday turned out to be a giant tube filled with Mentos and Diet Pepsi.

The missile shot sent fear through the Asian nations that perceive North Korea as a wild card capable of anything.

Country leader Kim Il Un claimed that the missile merely sent a communications satellite into orbit, but most believe that it was really a test of their long range missile capabilities. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Technology, War Zone0 Comments

Jihadis Excited About Self-Driving Cars

Jihadis Excited About Self-Driving Cars

Jihad organizers, coordinators and enthusiasts met this week in San Antonio, Texas, to advance their myriad causes. A panel discussion entitled “Sub-Suicide Bombings” brought up an interesting possibility; autonomous cars.

Speaking from room 410 at the Henry B. Gonzalez Convention Center, Achmed Mumuhammed said, in response to a question about technology, “Once self-driving cars are on the streets, that will take over for suicide bombings.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Technology2 Comments

Page 1 of 512345
Check out our friends:
Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Glossy Exclusive Video: How Hot Dogs are REALLY Made
(Comment on this video here)
-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



Visit the “Old Version” of our Site

     
Still want more? Find thousands of buried satirical gems in our archives on the old version of Glossy News!

Check This Out!

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

14 posts
6 posts
3 posts
3 posts
2 posts
2 posts


All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial