Archive | Technology

How Old is Too Old for an iPhone?

How Old is Too Old for an iPhone?

Oberlin, OH — Annabel Smith, local 2 year old, coos as she goes through her mother’s iPhone, the screen illuminating her round face.

The iPhone is well equipped with several apps specifically for babies, such as Dora’s Ballet Adventure, and thousands of Anabel’s “selfies”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Technology1 Comment

Pittsburgh PUC Halts Ride-Sharing At Kennywood

Pittsburgh PUC Halts Ride-Sharing At Kennywood

PITTSBURGH — Ruling that the threat to public safety is “theoretically a very real problem under the principles of String theory,” a two-judge panel has shut down ride-sharing at Kennywood park in West Mifflin.

The ruling makes it illegal for more than one person to ride on any of the park’s attractions at one time.

Though no major or minor injuries or incidents have occurred in recent history, the PUC said in a statement that, “Our job isn’t to consider public opinion, fun, or common sense. Our job is to look out for public safety in every imaginable universe, even the alternate universes wherein this issue presents an actual danger.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Technology2 Comments

“Drones May Not Attack Banks” says new U.S. Drone Czar

“Drones May Not Attack Banks” says new U.S. Drone Czar

WASHINGTON – The newly appointed US Drone Czar announced today that attack drones operating on US soil may not attack US banks without prior approval of the Federal Reserve Bank.

“Let me be clear,” stated General Quentin Easing, the new US Homeland Drone Czar. “We are only permitted to attack US banks on US soil with attack drones if we receive prior authorization from the US Federal Reserve Bank. We can’t just attack any bank we like. It’s the law.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Technology1 Comment

The Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief

The Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief

If the recent leaks about the US government’s surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief.

Much like Kuebler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grieving over death, the Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief shows the natural phases that individuals go through after learning that the US government has had complete access to all their electronic communications for many years. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Technology3 Comments

HS Student Answers Every SAT Question w/ “Google”, Gets Perfect Score

HS Student Answers Every SAT Question w/ “Google”, Gets Perfect Score

HERMINIE, PA — Local High School Student Roger Burman recently scored a perfect 2400 on the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) after answering every question with the word, “Google,” sources report.

According to English Teacher Frank Gimley, who proctored the exam, “I figured something was different about [Burman] right off the bat. We started with the Mathematics section, and all these kids were scrawling equations like crazy. But not Roger. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Technology2 Comments

Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet

Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA. — Scientists with the NASA space program recently uncovered several million gallons of potable water — though no traces of carbonated liquid of any kind — on a large, nearby planet in what is being pronounced “a hugely disappointing discovery that in no way whatsoever helps the human species or its quest to find a realistically habitable alternative to Earth,” sources report. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Technology4 Comments

Prepare the Anti-Matter Beam!

Prepare the Anti-Matter Beam!

Those words are not coming from a Star Trek script, or a Sci-Fi movie, they are actually being given by the scientists of ASACUSA , a multi-disciplinary collaboration between CERN and Japan’s RIKEN research center.

ASACUSA team leader, Yasunori Yamazaki is some kind of Captain Kirk for these guys, requesting things like:

-Check the superconducting anti-Helmholtz coil!
-Scan the multiple ring electrodes!
-Prepare the microwave cavity and a beam-focusing spin-selector ready for operation!
-Check all stats for Fantasy football!
(Ok, that one is mine! lol)
I can actually imagine the whole Star Trek crew, like in an episode of the famous TV show, and myself finding stats at sports websites like Sports Betting Dime.
But the future is now, and those are real engineering marvels that put us a little closer to the answers we´re looking for…

But, what´s the deal with anti-matter stuff?

Sci-Fi movies were able to educate us enough to know that matter and anti-matter annihilate each other in a flash of energy when they interact… Do you remember Angels & Demons by Dan Brown? Something like that.

In this case, scientists are trying to understand why matter prevails in this Universe of ours. If anti-matter and matter co-exist in balance (that’s what we think they do), why is anti-matter so difficult to perceive?

In order to find the answers, Europe’s CERN research center set a new number of particle-smashing experiments, including a special trap. The anti-matter, shows a particular problem–it’s hard to keep the atoms in existence long enough to make fine-scale measurements.

So, this special magnetic trap located at CERN’s Anti-proton Decelerator facility is making the difference for scientists, “bringing the possibility to guide the energetic anti-atoms to a region with a weak magnetic field. This is so we can have high-precision studies of anti-hydrogen atoms, particularly the hyper-fine structure, one of the two best known spectroscopic properties of hydrogen” Yasunori Yamazaki said.

These “mad” scientists won’t build an anti-matter cannon to destroy an asteroid (Why not?), but their discoveries will bring more possibilities to use anti-matter knowledge for medical purposes, like the PET scanners that actually are used by hospitals around the world to take snapshots of our bodies.

So, the next time you hear “Prepare the anti-matter beam!” turn your attention to the Swiss-French border… chances are Captain Kirk is there!

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Posted in Technology, Television7 Comments

78% of Radio Shack 1993 Catalog Is on Your Phone, but Better

78% of Radio Shack 1993 Catalog Is on Your Phone, but Better

I recently got to reminiscing of days gone by. When I was young, carefree, and studied the Radio Shack catalog even more religiously than religion, and I was religious.

When I realized, all those gizmos and gadgets I so desperately wanted are now all on the phone in my pocket, and they’re much better, and much cheaper, and we all have access to them.

I decided to dig up an old Radio Shack catalog, choosing 1993 as it was roundly 20-years ago, and found it conveniently hosted here at Radio Shack’s official page. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Technology6 Comments

Evil Excel Spreadsheet Doing Everything In Power to Stop Guy Leaving Work on Time

Evil Excel Spreadsheet Doing Everything In Power to Stop Guy Leaving Work on Time

INDIANAPOLIS – Seemingly not content to just let office worker Aaron McMillan clock out of work at the regular time of five-thirty, a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet is doing everything in its Goddamn power Monday to make sure that McMillan stays behind at least another 3 minutes, while it just does its thing.

Taking an effing lifetime to finish saving, the spreadsheet, which the 31-year-old Wepler Finance employee had seamlessly used throughout his schedule to input the company’s quarterly profits, initially seemed to be closing down before it just now froze up. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Technology0 Comments

Large Hadron Collider ‘Not Taken Over By Sinister Villain Who Plans To Take Over The World’

Large Hadron Collider ‘Not Taken Over By Sinister Villain Who Plans To Take Over The World’

Breaking News from Switzerland today, the Swiss Government are under scrutiny after an inside source leaked that Large Hadron Collider nicknamed ‘The Black Hole Generator’ by cyber geeks with no life, may have been ‘acquired’ by the power hungry megalomaniac Dr Apocalypse.

The world’s largest and highest-energy particle accelerator in the hands of such a man could spell the end for humanity as we know it.

Swiss officials are quick to deny rumors that the Large Hadron Collider has been taken over by the criminal mastermind stating “there is no need to panic, the LHC is safe where we left it and it is none of your business why my family has relocated to an underground bunker.”

See the rest of the story on YouTube, or scroll down for the video.

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Posted in Technology, Video News0 Comments

Local scientist and teen killed in freak Delorean accident

Local scientist and teen killed in freak Delorean accident

An eccentric inventor and local teen were killed yesterday when the Delorean in which they were riding crashed into a wall at about 90 mph. Martin McFly, 18, and Dr. Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown, age unavailable, were pronounced “really dead” at the scene. Homeland Security became involved in the investigation after radiation was discovered to be leaking from what authorities are calling a “flux capacitor” in the back of the vehicle. Federal investigators are calling the incident a possible “thwarted act of terrorism”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Technology1 Comment

Shopping Conundrum: Sub-Featherweight Micro SD Card or 11+lbs of CF Cards?

Shopping Conundrum: Sub-Featherweight Micro SD Card or 11+lbs of CF Cards?

The first time I bought memory was on the eve of my first trip to China in January of 2001. I’d never been to Asia and figured, “hey, Shanghai is a place I’ve heard of, so off I went.

My 2.1 megapixel Canon Digital Elph which was a killer deal at the time at $430. A truly exceptional camera. My prints from this and other trips were eventually shown in a gallery in Kirkland, Washington, and over the course of a year I even sold about two. Not a profitable hobby. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology0 Comments

5th Grader Tells Friend Personal Secret, Now Wanted by NSA for Revealing Government Secrets

5th Grader Tells Friend Personal Secret, Now Wanted by NSA for Revealing Government Secrets

WASHINGTON — Federal authorities yesterday filed espionage charges against Area Fifth-grader Eddie Rainden for allegedly disclosing to an unnamed classmate that he still, on occasion, pees the bed, a secret over which the NSA is claiming ownership since, according to the government agency, they recorded the 10-year-old telling his grandmother about the bladder-control issue over a phone call three days prior to the in-class disclosure. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology, World News0 Comments

Windows 8.1 Invites 100k Testers, Discards All Data

Windows 8.1 Invites 100k Testers, Discards All Data

Microsoft has undertaken the biggest Operating System test in history by inviting 100,000 users to labs around the world to test their new platfrom. More than 5 million pages of data was collected, all of which were discarded.

“It wasn’t easy to deal with all the data,” said project manager Abe Zeekstrom, “but after pulling it all together, we managed to do it.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Technology1 Comment

Report: 10% of Facebook Users Unaware Others Can See Their Posts

Report: 10% of Facebook Users Unaware Others Can See Their Posts

PALO ALTO, CALIF — In a recent Pew Research Center study, a reported 10% of Facebook users are oblivious to the fact that other people can see what they write.

The study alleges that of that 10% of naive morons, 50% are systematically confusing “statuses” with “private messages,” 35% are utterly uncertain about what a “facebook” is exactly, and the remaining 15% are simply illiterate. Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology1 Comment

Advice Column: Computer Fix Is In, All the Way

Advice Column: Computer Fix Is In, All the Way

Dear Dink,

Do you know anything about computers? My computer is very slow. It often takes a minute or more to download images or video. I have tried to clean the cache and do a defrag, but whenever I try these my system crashes. I give up!

Hacked Off

Dear Off,

You’ve been looking at porn again haven’t you? Shame shame shame on you. Porn is bad and that is God’s way of striking you down, ha ha.

Continue Reading

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Posted in Technology2 Comments

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