INTERWEBS, Cyberspace (GlossyNews) — It has recently come to the attention of many Facebook users that there are things going on by Facebook management that (1) they didn’t authorize; and (2) they don’t really care about as long as they can post their most intimate secrets on their “walls.”

Some users though are realizing that they don’t really want the hassle of trying to figure out what it is that Facebook is doing behind their backs with their accounts, and millions are taking down their sites. Continue Reading

NEW ORLEANS, La. (GlossyNews) — The Gulf oil spill has resulted in some of the most unusual pairings seen in recent history. Kevin Costner has joined forces to fight the oil spill, which some experts say could eventually become a bigger catastrophe than Waterworld. New reports claim Caterpillar and Kitchen-Aid have come together in an effort to create the largest mixer ever called the Mix Master Gulf. Continue Reading

Reno, NV (GlossyNews) — A Reno NV woman became the second person to sue Google because of an issue with Google Maps. Similar to an earlier action in Park City, UT, the woman, Eustancia Dumas is suing Google for poor directions related to the walking instructions Google offered. The woman claims that Google did not go into enough detail about how to cross the street.

Ms Dumas, who recently moved to Reno, consulted Google Maps to find a route to the local Piggly Wiggly. Dumas, who doesn’t drive and usually has others deliver her groceries, decided that the store was close enough for her to walk. She consulted Google Maps to offer her a walking route to the store, which was 3/4 of a mile down the sidewalk on the same street. Continue Reading

Chicago, IL – For the third time in as many days, Chicago Police Department forensic analyst Ted Hatcher confessed to being unable to magically extract high definition pictures from damaged, out-of-focus, and low resolution images.   Hatcher’s failure was met with disbelief and disappointment by police detectives and crime scene investigators standing around him in his unreasonably dark forensics lab. Continue Reading

Jersey City, NJ (GlossyNews) — A man listening to his iPod while learning to ride a rental 1967 Schwinn Fastback 5-speed tried desperately to gear down as he approached the tarmac just minutes before a Boeing 747 was set to take off. Even though the Schwinn’s gears were grinding loudly, the noise was not enough to warn the pilot, George Died, who had just gotten out to check the air in the right front tire of the plane.

“George noticed the plane pulling a little to the right when we taxied to the runway,” s Continue Reading

SAN BRUNO, CA (GlossyNews) — YouTube, the popular video networking site, was unavailable today due to technical difficulties. The site, which attracts millions of users from across the globe, was down for one hour while technicians attempted to rectify the problem. Bored, unemployed people everywhere awoke to the outage, and panicked.

“They were left to their own devices in attempting to fill the first few hours of their day,” said Stan Rossmore, head of the International Institute Of Boredom. Continue Reading

AUSTIN, TX (GlossyNews) — Around 12:40 p.m. EST on March 22, the coveted Foursquare Survivor badge was awarded to hundreds of people simultaneously. Event organizers attributed the mass distribution to a glitch. Traditionally, the Foursquare staff have been very secretive about how to unlock the various badges, but told participants that the Survivor badge would be awarded to those attendees of Austin’s South by Southwest (SXSW) arts festival who made it back to the airport for their return flights. The few players who managed to survive called the situation insulting. The release of the badges to other unworthy participants drew angry protests within minutes. Continue Reading

Laredo, TX – Returning from a recent business conference on immigration in Mexico City, Microsoft Chairman William Gates, the world’s richest man, flew over what will become the new “RioGrande BushWall” near Laredo, Texas. Having told reporters in Mexico earlier, “I’m a big believer that freedom is a good thing,” he also noted that flexibility of movement for skilled workers in his company could be a little important. Continue Reading

Detroit, Mich. (GlossyNews): General Motors Corporation announced today the release of a line of high-tech vehicles designed to meet the demands of environmentally conscious consumers, as well as the new federal green-technologies regulations. According to a company spokesman, “The new biodegradable car, made entirely of remaindered Crocs, will return GM to international prominence as a leader in innovative automobile technologies, and position the company for increased market share in both the international and domestic markets.” Continue Reading

Chicago, IL – The Bekins folks are bound to make moving a snap for their customers this time, for sure. Compression is the new name of the moving game for this century-old company. Soon, the familiar semi-trailers will be parked for good. Computer giant Maxis, the developers of Sim City – the game for people who like to control everything – has teamed up with Bekins to revolutionize the moving industry. And wow. What a great idea! Continue Reading

President Barack Obama announced yesterday that he would ask the Department of Homeland Security to investigate an alarming rise in GPS malfunctions. Although he stopped short of suggesting a link between terrorists and the rash of travelers who wound up as many as five hundred miles off course after following aggressive GPS instructions, the president said that such incidents could undermine America’s economic recovery. Continue Reading

The Conseil d’Etat, France’s highest court, has ruled that U.S. agrogarchy bully-corp Monsanto has been lying through its proverbial teeth concerning the safety record of the best-selling weed-killer, Phuck_Up.

The court confirmed an earlier judgment that Monsanto had falsely advertised its dodgy toxic herbicide as “biodegradable” and claimed it ‘left the soil clean’ when in fact it has the half life of several millenniums and left the ground, sub-soil and water table as toxically contaminated as Hiroshima’s following their ‘August Surprise’ nuclear ‘surrender or else’ trick or treat in 1945. Continue Reading

Man recently donned the cloak of Creator and assumed the role of God.

His manipulation of ORMEs, the esoteric sciences and applied quantum technologies saw Thomas Moore’s dream bastion of perfection a reality manifested.

Utopia Inc., the next best thing to Heaven on Earth, opened its Pearly Gates to those who could afford the luxurious environment and opulent lifestyles it offered. Continue Reading

Chinese car maker BWB today announced it is about to release a prototype electric vehicle capable of revolutionizing the world of motoring.

Senior BWB (Big Wheel Barrow) design engineer Dr. Flip Flop Fong – the man responsible for power steering on Mongolian roller blades – informed reporters from the Shit or Bust Gazette that the company’s new E6 electric car – due to hit European and US markets before the end of the year – will do 250 miles (400km) on a single charge – and even further if left plugged in. Continue Reading

Bentonville, AR – A former Walmart employee and part-time nutty professor has begun research into alternative uses for the millions of fruitcakes that are returned every December 26th to Walmart. Speaking from the garage of his home on Vista Drive in Bentonville, Wallace Hadnough says that he got the idea of turning used fruitcake into an alternative fuel source when it was his job to throw mounds of the returned fruitcakes into the dumpsters out back. “Man, I’d bring shopping carts full of the stuff out to the dumpsters. I had to start wearing a back brace just to get through the day.” Continue Reading

Did David Cameron’s father buy him the Conservative Party? No, he only bought him a 51% majority share.

Has Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg slept with 3,000 women? Absolutely not – it’s more like 2,350 women, 522 men, and a mix of 180 transvestites and she-males, usually for a three at a time all-night cluster-fuck session. Hence why he always looks knackered in Parliament. Continue Reading

One of Britain’s biggest employers in the green energy industry is to cease production within hours of a paradoxical government announcement today pledging as many as 400,000 green jobs by 2015. Continue Reading

The New Labour government’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money has come under attack from the Tories – yet again – for commissioning academic research into such insane project studies as how to make the perfect cheese toastie sandwich – and – is sword-swallowing actually dangerous? – does torture really hurt to the point of an ‘Ouch’ factor? – or could a clan of meerkats write a Shakespeare play? – and whether a cartload of monkeys would be able – given sufficient time and money – to build an atomic weapon. Continue Reading