US wins Supercomputer Race w/ Record-Breaking Chinese Computer

It was announced this week that China now owns the world’s fastest computer, which is a great victory for Americans, since the technology is far from new, and the technology all comes from Santa Clara, California. That’s clearly a boon for capitalism.

While the fans and power cables may have been sourced in China (no confirmation as of yet, they may have as likely come from Japan or India,) the chips powering the world’s fastest supercomputer are indeed nothing short of left-coast American bred.

If we’re to take China’s speed claim at face value, then we have to trust their underlying facts. This $88-million supercomputer uses 7,168 Tesla graphics chips from Nvidia (Santa Clara, California) and 14,336 central processing units manufactured by Intel (also in Santa Clara, California.)

Lifelong Santa Clara resident and janitor, Jerg Schmidt, told Glossy News that “this isn’t surprising. Everyone know how to line up computers in sequence. What’s surprising is that China did it, and that they did it with all-American components.” Adding, “I guess I’d say ‘yay for capitalism’ and ‘down with those filthy reds,’ if you were asking me.”

What’s less known is what China will use the new supercomputer for, though experts suggest it might be shooting down satellites or further censoring rival world superpower Google.

Whatever their purpose, one thing is certain: this is a great day for America.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

2 thoughts on “US wins Supercomputer Race w/ Record-Breaking Chinese Computer

  1. Great story, I enjoyed reading it. The irony is in a recent press story. It seems Intel has opened a large manufacturing plant in China. Guess they (Chinese) didn’t want to pay the shipping!

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