SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (GlossyNews) — The San Francisco City Council held a prime time press conference yesterday evening to announce some groundbreaking news for the inhabitants of the City by the Bay: “Our citizens now self-identify as 100 percent gay.”
The last registered heterosexual in the city moved out on October 30th, helping the coastal region of Northern California achieve its long-awaited milestone of developing the first major metropolitan area in the country with a completely gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender population.
Mayor Burt Bells displayed a photo of Elmer Taffey, the man citizens have labeled the “Last Breeder.” Taffey is depicted in the photograph as trudging across the Golden Gate Bridge on foot while dragging a tattered suitcase behind him. On the suitcase are stickers in support of Proposition 8 and Anita Bryant, in addition to more ambiguous pictures of oranges and Twinkies.
Police Commissioner Hairy Melvis promised that from now on all police “profiling pull-overs” will cease.
“After all,” he said, “if we’re all gay, who cares?”
But there is a drawback to being the only 100-percent gay community when it comes to equal rights. No longer will sexual orientation quotas be maintained. This is causing problems for many residents like 42-year-old Greg Smith, who for years wore a dress to work hoping to be included with the transgender crowd.
Smith protested by saying, “I clean up adult book stores every night. If I have to compete fairly now with other applicants, I could lose my job!”
The city hospital director, Dr. Betty Krebs, who has been a lesbian for 35 years, said the city will save millions by tearing down the maternity sections of the city’s five hospitals. “Not only that,” Krebs stated, “but adoption petitions will go through the roof. That’s a lot of new, private money going into the economy, which will lower the taxes. And because members of the GLBT community historically and statistically have greater levels of education and earning potential than straight folks, our homeless problem should cease soon too.”
Public Works Director Peter Wagner claims the city will also save on constructions costs in the future. Wagner pioneered unisex restrooms as a way to cut infrastructure spending. “Unisex lavatories in public parks also double as meet-and-greets. By closing down some of seedier clubs to make way for new domestic partnership housing projects, we can really expand the city within a more reasonable budget.”
Reporter’s Note: When fact-checking this story, we called a random number in the phone book and spoke with a Mr. Navin Johnson, who informed us that he was not, in fact, a homosexual, but who went on to inquire as to why we were curious. He then informed us that he was also curious and asked if our staffers were available later for a brief meeting at one of the new unisex restrooms near his home. Due to AT&T coverage issues, the call dropped and we were unable to reach Mr. Johnson for further comment.