Banks Face Fines for Murdering Delinquent Homeowners

DOVER, Delaware (GlossyNews) – Justice Department investigators confirmed today they are considering possible fines and other penalties against several of the United States’ largest financial institutions for the murders of hundreds of homeowners delinquent in their mortgage payments.

The Justice Department responded to complaints from families of recent murder victims claiming to receive billing statements from the deceased’s mortgage companies demanding payment for “ammunition services,” “break-in and terrorizing administrative charges,” and “blood removal and dry cleaning fees,” among other charges related to “Mortgage Remediation Services.” Read more Banks Face Fines for Murdering Delinquent Homeowners


Westboro Baptist Sues God Claiming He “Doesn’t Really Mind Fags”

Washington, DC ( The Westboro Baptist Church, the controversial religious sect best known for protesting the funerals of slain war veterans and their “God Hates Fags” protest signs, announced a startling lawsuit against God in Federal District Court today.

According to Court documents, the Westboro Baptists are seeking “unspecified damages” against “The Lord God, Almighty,” for breach of contract under the terms of US Code Title 25, Section 3116. Read more Westboro Baptist Sues God Claiming He “Doesn’t Really Mind Fags”


WikiLeaks Revelation: Iranian President “Some Kind of F’d Up Elf”

Sydney, Australia (BNSE): Wikileaks, the controversial Australian based organization which recently rocked the American intelligence community with the release of thousands of classified documents linked to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, has sent shock waves again with the release of extraordinary documents detailing the shadowy background of Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Read more WikiLeaks Revelation: Iranian President “Some Kind of F’d Up Elf”


Budget Cutbacks Release Hoards of Idiot Nephews

NEW BRIGHTON, Pennsylvania (BNSE) — State and local law enforcement agencies were placed on high alert today as thousands of idiot nephews began massing around the state in the wake of massive layoffs from state agencies and local businesses due to severe budget cutbacks as a result of the slow economy.

“Oh, dear God… Dear God… This is bad… I mean real bad,” said an official spokesman for the Governor’s office before he broke down in tears. “We never thought it would come to this. None of us did. I mean, it was my mother, you know. She puts me on the spot right at Thanksgiving dinner about why I can’t get Willie a job. I just wanted to eat some turkey, dammit, and now Willie’s not penned up for eight hours a day at the DMV and I can’t reach my wife on the cell phone!.” Read more Budget Cutbacks Release Hoards of Idiot Nephews


‘Canadian’ Quarter Leads to Terrorist Arrests at Unemployment Office

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — Agents from the Federal Bureau of Investigations, Department of Homeland Security, and SWAT teams from around the are descended on a local unemployment office after a random security sweep uncovered “terrorist paraphernalia” on several adults filing unemployment claims.

A high ranking FBI official confirmed dozens of arrests were made of persons possessing “components necessary for the construction of IED’s (Improvised Explosive Devices,)” Read more ‘Canadian’ Quarter Leads to Terrorist Arrests at Unemployment Office


Times Square Bomber Gets Plea Deal – Turned in 6 Smokers

NEW YORK, New York (GlossyNews) — Department of Homeland Security officials admitted today at an early morning press conference that Faisal Shahzad, 30, the alleged “Times Square Bomber,” was released on bond at the behest of New York City leaders as part of a plea deal where Shahzad agreed to disclose the name of several individuals who consistently ignore and evade the City’s anti-smoking regulations.

A high ranking Homeland Security official stated, “It is not unusual for plea deals to be made with accused criminals in the hope of gaining information leading to the prosecution of even more dangerous criminals. Read more Times Square Bomber Gets Plea Deal – Turned in 6 Smokers


Stimulus Bonanza – Federal Reserve to Sell Vitamin Supplements

Jackson Hole, WY (GlossyNews): Mired with increasing signals of an unexpected economic slowdown and the possibility of a double dip recession, the Federal Reserve announced a series of “unconventional” programs it is prepared to undertake in order to stabilize the economy. Standing prominently among various initiatives including further quantitative easing, maintaining record law interest rates, and increased buying of sovereign dept, the Federal Reserve plans to begin selling a full line of vitamin supplements are part of a multi-level marketing campaign. Read more Stimulus Bonanza – Federal Reserve to Sell Vitamin Supplements


Obama Gets Tough with Iran: Leaves Bitchy Note on UN Desk

Washington, DC (GlossyNews): In its toughest rhetoric yet, the Obama Administration lashed out at Iran’s ongoing nuclear enrichment program. Iran maintains the program is only intended to develop a domestic nuclear fuel source for civilian electrical power generation, an explanation critics dismiss as a thinly veiled excuse to develop nuclear weapons.

The strongly worded statement was delivered on the floor of the United Nations General Assembly in the form of a post-it note left attached to a reading lamp on the desk of the Iranian Delegation over a lunch break late last week. Read more Obama Gets Tough with Iran: Leaves Bitchy Note on UN Desk


Man Stumped Over Penis Mishap

FALLS TOWNSHIP, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — Court documents released today revealed startling accusations from a Philadelphia area stock broker’s lawsuit against a nationally known erectile dysfunction clinic for their alleged amputation of both the plaintiff’s legs in a botched attempt to make his penis appear larger.

In an early morning news conference, attorneys for the broker charged the clinic with the “reckless disregard for our client’s health and safety” in what is described as “an act of wanton, near criminal malpractice.” Lawyers were quick to add that their client, “Did not even need the services of the clinic,” but was merely offering himself up as a “test subject of sort, so they could see what a real man looked like.”

The plaintiff is asking for an undisclosed sum “of several million dollars” in punitive damages from the clinic. “That is really a small price to pay,” added the attorney. “Considering our client was only visiting the erectile dysfunction clinic to check it out of a friend who is less well endowed than my client not just physically, but in terms of stamina and sexual technique.” The attorney further classified the plaintiff’s sexual prowess as “legendary” and claims the loss of his legs will not just severely limit his ability to enjoy his candy apple red, 16 cylinder with seven speed manual transmission, Bugatti Veyron 16.4 sports car, but will inflict “untold hardship on legions of young women who are just lining up to get with the plaintiff.”

A spokesman for the erectile dysfunction clinic was quick to deny the stock broker’s accusations, and classified the case as “frivolous.” “While we agree the removal of a person’s legs is not standard procedure in treating erectile dysfunction or penis enlargement, this procedure was executed at the explicit instruction of the patient. And, we have the contract to prove it,” claimed the spokesman.

According the clinic’s records, the plaintiff in the case was the subject of several rounds of erectile dysfunction and penis enlargement procedures at the clinic over an eight-month period; all of which did not meet the patient’s expectations.

“I can honestly say the initial results for this patient were nothing less than astounding, and consistent with the therapeutic outcomes that have satisfied thousands of our customers from around the country,” stated the attending physician in the case. “Most men seeking our services just want to improve their sexual health and enhance their personal intimacy; this guy wanted us to mutate him into some kind of perverse pogo stick.”

Finally, in desperation, and after several threats from the stock broker of legal action and warnings of “buying and selling your worthless asses in the Third World,” the clinic allegedly offered to do whatever the client wanted in order to satisfy him. A copy of the actual contract between the broker and clinic shows the text of the document covered with a red “X”, and “I want my p*cker to hit the floor” written diagonally across the page in large letters.

“Not only did we live up to the letter of our contract, in its entirety,” claimed the spokesman. “According to our post operative records, the patient, against our instructions, impulsively jumped straight off the recovery bed and not only got his expressed wish, but the whole fruit bowl got a good splat on the tile at no additional charge.”

In an exclusive interview, the injured stock broker, identifying himself only as “Karl,” or “KaaaAAAAARRRL!!! as the ladies know him, the 5 foot, two inch, 230 pile “hunk of man meat,” who, despite his injuries, can still bench press several hundred pounds, and is “twice the man” as this reporter, claimed he was asking nothing out of the ordinary from the clinic. “Everybody always says ‘I can’t do this, I can’t do that,’ when what they’re really saying is ‘I’m too stupid and lazy to do what I’m getting paid to do.’ I heard the same thing when I got my hair transplant. “Blah, blah, blah,’ they said. Now, look at me. Not only do I have a full head of hair, all my gold chains are highlighted by so much chest hair it looks like I’m descended from a grizzly, and my pubes are sculpted into the shape of a lightning bolt. Now, that’s a company that cares about its customers.”


Castro Warns of Nuclear War. Blames “Damn Kids on Lawn.”

HAVANA, Cuba – (GlossyNews) Cuban leader, Fidel Castro, delighted Cuba’s Parliament with his first public appearance in over four years. A strong, healthy, and vigorous Castro amazed Cuba’s leaders and the assembled press corps alike with his deep grasp of international issues and prophetic warnings about the course of world events.

During his brief address, Castro warned that the world “was sitting on the brink of a nuclear holocaust that could engulf every nation on the planet and lead to the extinction of our species.” He then promptly placed the blame of these events on “all those damn kids who are always running around my grass. Read more Castro Warns of Nuclear War. Blames “Damn Kids on Lawn.”


Mexican Drug Gangs Boycott Arizona Over Immigration Law

PHOENIX, Arizona (GlossyNews) — Joining a rising tide of protest boycotts of the state, leaders from several prominent Mexican drug gangs announced their intention to avoid doing business in Arizona until the State Legislature reverses its controversial new immigration law.

“We regret the impact this decision will have on our valued customers,” said the spokesman for the group. “However, we simply cannot stand by and allow this patently illegal and un-Constitutional usurpation of Federal power to go unchallenged Read more Mexican Drug Gangs Boycott Arizona Over Immigration Law


Top 2010 Investment Tips

New York, NY (BNSE) — Expectations for significant economic growth are foreseen in the second half of 2010, according to a blue ribbon panel of financial, economic, and business leaders. Despite uncertain global economic conditions plagued by mounting international sovereign debt, the panel concludes “substantial upside potential in nontraditional markets which could lay the groundwork for future economic improvements into the first and second quarters of 2011.”

In the panel’s report, several non-traditional and emerging markets were showcased as a guide to savvy investors looking to diversify their portfolios into a higher growth potential orientation while maintaining a more conservative risk exposure. Read more Top 2010 Investment Tips


Patronization Conference — Probably Not Your Cup of Tea, Anyway

Princeton, NJ (GlossyNews) — Elite Ivy League Educators, students, and a cross section of the nation’s most powerful business and social leaders are meeting this week for the first annual “Patronization Expo” being held just off the campus of scenic Princeton University. The Expo, billed by organizers as, “A free-flowing exchange of complex ideas that do not concern you,” began amid controversy as a delegation of sociologists representing the University of California at Berkley had its credentials rejected on grounds they were merely “pretentious,” and not actually “patronizing.” Read more Patronization Conference — Probably Not Your Cup of Tea, Anyway


Neo-Nazis Deny Closet Homosexuality

Los Angeles, CA (BNSE) — A contentious rally of Neo-Nazis in central Los Angeles erupted into laughter earlier this week as Fascist supporting speakers vehemently denied taunts from hundreds of assembled protesters accusing them of closet homosexuality.

“We are not gay,” shouted one World War II era-esque SS uniformed speaker. “Homosexuality is an abomination against God, and a sin to the white race,” he screamed as he pounded on his metal spike studded leather codpiece. “You’re all going to rot in hell!” Read more Neo-Nazis Deny Closet Homosexuality