Posted in Biz News Crime

Banks Face Fines for Murdering Delinquent Homeowners

DOVER, Delaware (GlossyNews) – Justice Department investigators confirmed today they are considering possible fines and other penalties against several of the United States’ largest financial institutions for the murders of hundreds of homeowners delinquent in their mortgage payments. The Justice…

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Posted in Human Interest Religionism

Westboro Baptist Sues God Claiming He “Doesn’t Really Mind Fags”

Washington, DC (GlossyNews.com): The Westboro Baptist Church, the controversial religious sect best known for protesting the funerals of slain war veterans and their “God Hates Fags” protest signs, announced a startling lawsuit against God in Federal District Court today. According…

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Posted in Politics World News

WikiLeaks Revelation: Iranian President “Some Kind of F’d Up Elf”

Sydney, Australia (BNSE): Wikileaks, the controversial Australian based organization which recently rocked the American intelligence community with the release of thousands of classified documents linked to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, has sent shock waves again with the release…

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Posted in Politics Society

Budget Cutbacks Release Hoards of Idiot Nephews

NEW BRIGHTON, Pennsylvania (BNSE) — State and local law enforcement agencies were placed on high alert today as thousands of idiot nephews began massing around the state in the wake of massive layoffs from state agencies and local businesses due…

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Posted in Biz News Crime

‘Canadian’ Quarter Leads to Terrorist Arrests at Unemployment Office

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — Agents from the Federal Bureau of Investigations, Department of Homeland Security, and SWAT teams from around the are descended on a local unemployment office after a random security sweep uncovered “terrorist paraphernalia” on several adults filing…

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Posted in Health Society

Times Square Bomber Gets Plea Deal – Turned in 6 Smokers

NEW YORK, New York (GlossyNews) — Department of Homeland Security officials admitted today at an early morning press conference that Faisal Shahzad, 30, the alleged “Times Square Bomber,” was released on bond at the behest of New York City leaders…

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Posted in Biz News Top Stories

Stimulus Bonanza – Federal Reserve to Sell Vitamin Supplements

Jackson Hole, WY (GlossyNews): Mired with increasing signals of an unexpected economic slowdown and the possibility of a double dip recession, the Federal Reserve announced a series of “unconventional” programs it is prepared to undertake in order to stabilize the…

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Posted in Top Stories World News

Obama Gets Tough with Iran: Leaves Bitchy Note on UN Desk

Washington, DC (GlossyNews): In its toughest rhetoric yet, the Obama Administration lashed out at Iran’s ongoing nuclear enrichment program. Iran maintains the program is only intended to develop a domestic nuclear fuel source for civilian electrical power generation, an explanation…

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Posted in Health Society Top Stories

Man Stumped Over Penis Mishap

FALLS TOWNSHIP, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — Court documents released today revealed startling accusations from a Philadelphia area stock broker’s lawsuit against a nationally known erectile dysfunction clinic for their alleged amputation of both the plaintiff’s legs in a botched attempt to…

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Posted in Top Stories World News

Castro Warns of Nuclear War. Blames “Damn Kids on Lawn.”

HAVANA, Cuba – (GlossyNews) Cuban leader, Fidel Castro, delighted Cuba’s Parliament with his first public appearance in over four years. A strong, healthy, and vigorous Castro amazed Cuba’s leaders and the assembled press corps alike with his deep grasp of…

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Posted in Human Interest Politics

Mexican Drug Gangs Boycott Arizona Over Immigration Law

PHOENIX, Arizona (GlossyNews) — Joining a rising tide of protest boycotts of the state, leaders from several prominent Mexican drug gangs announced their intention to avoid doing business in Arizona until the State Legislature reverses its controversial new immigration law….

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Politics

Gore Claims He Invented the ‘Happy Ending’

BALLSTON, Virginia (GlossyNews) — Mired amid controversy of alleged infidelity and sexual misconduct, former Vice President and prominent global warming activist, Al Gore, angrily dismissed these accusations today at a press corps luncheon.

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Posted in Biz News

Top 2010 Investment Tips

New York, NY (BNSE) — Expectations for significant economic growth are foreseen in the second half of 2010, according to a blue ribbon panel of financial, economic, and business leaders. Despite uncertain global economic conditions plagued by mounting international sovereign…

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Posted in Society

Patronization Conference — Probably Not Your Cup of Tea, Anyway

Princeton, NJ (GlossyNews) — Elite Ivy League Educators, students, and a cross section of the nation’s most powerful business and social leaders are meeting this week for the first annual “Patronization Expo” being held just off the campus of scenic…

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Posted in Society

Neo-Nazis Deny Closet Homosexuality

Los Angeles, CA (BNSE) — A contentious rally of Neo-Nazis in central Los Angeles erupted into laughter earlier this week as Fascist supporting speakers vehemently denied taunts from hundreds of assembled protesters accusing them of closet homosexuality. “We are not…

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Posted in Society

Banks Foreclose on Hell — Satan Moves to Scientology Headquarters

Sarasota, Fla (GlossyNews) — Markets around the world were rocked today with news of the imminent foreclosure on Hell by a consortium of major international banks. The announcement came only after months of failed negotiations between Satan and the Associated…

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Posted in World News

Census Bureau Sued for Unfair Labor Practices.

Washington, DC (GlossyNews) — Hundreds of current and former 2010 Census workers filed a class action law suit today in Federal District Court charging the United States Census Bureau with a pattern of unfair labor practices against its employees. Specific…

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Posted in Education

California Professors Compare 4% Pay Cut to Holocaust

Berkley, CA (BNSE) — California college professors and students took to the streets again today to protest Governor Schwarzenegger’s stark austerity plans to bring the deficit burdened California state budget back in line. Chief among their complaints are designated cut…

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Posted in Politics

Supreme Court Rules Constitution Unconstitutional

Washington, D.C. (GlossyNews) — What began as a commemorative event to honor the exhibition of an original copy of the United States Constitution at the new Capitol Visitor Center, quickly escalated to an impromptu ruling by the Supreme Court that…

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Posted in Crime

Wounded Rapist Demands Tougher Gun Control Laws

Philadelphia, PA (GlossyNews): An unnamed accused serial rapist demanded tougher gun control laws from his hospital bed in suburban Philadelphia earlier today, just hours after being admitted by police for a gun shot wound incurred while attempting to assault a…

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Posted in Politics

Palin Inspires Tea Party Audience with “Tell Off” Stories

Ashland, KY (GlossyNews): Former Alaska Governor, Sara Palin, continued her outreach to the Tea Party movement this week, speaking before a group of Tea Party activists outside Ashland. Palin was warmly received by the $150 per ticket Tea Party rally…

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Posted in Politics Religionism

Congress Proposes Replacing 2010 Election w/ “Psychic Estimate” Index

hWashington, DC (GlossyNews): House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, met with the press and Congressional leaders today to discuss replacing the 2010 mid-term election cycle with a “psychic estimate” of the voters’ true intent. “There are just so many distractions and inherent…

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Posted in Technology

GM Introducing Biodegradable Cars

Detroit, Mich. (GlossyNews): General Motors Corporation announced today the release of a line of high-tech vehicles designed to meet the demands of environmentally conscious consumers, as well as the new federal green-technologies regulations. According to a company spokesman, “The new…

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Posted in Society

Schools Expand Zero Tolerance Policies to Include “Lack of Spirit”

Framingham, MS (GlossyNews) — Prominent public education leaders from across the nation called for an across the board expansion in Zero Tolerance policies in public schools today after a two week symposium. The leaders found the mandatory expulsion and suspension…

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Posted in Politics

Does Brown Pack the Gear to Replace Kennedy?

Boston, MA (GlossyNews) — Democratic National Committee campaign strategists are rushing today to explain the unexpectedly strong showing by Republican Scott Brown in the Massachusetts special election to fill the seat of the late Senator Edward Kennedy. Republic pundits and…

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