BALLSTON, Virginia (GlossyNews) — Mired amid controversy of alleged infidelity and sexual misconduct, former Vice President and prominent global warming activist, Al Gore, angrily dismissed these accusations today at a press corps luncheon. Continue Reading

New York, NY (BNSE) — Expectations for significant economic growth are foreseen in the second half of 2010, according to a blue ribbon panel of financial, economic, and business leaders. Despite uncertain global economic conditions plagued by mounting international sovereign debt, the panel concludes “substantial upside potential in nontraditional markets which could lay the groundwork for future economic improvements into the first and second quarters of 2011.”

In the panel’s report, several non-traditional and emerging markets were showcased as a guide to savvy investors looking to diversify their portfolios into a higher growth potential orientation while maintaining a more conservative risk exposure. Continue Reading

Princeton, NJ (GlossyNews) — Elite Ivy League Educators, students, and a cross section of the nation’s most powerful business and social leaders are meeting this week for the first annual “Patronization Expo” being held just off the campus of scenic Princeton University. The Expo, billed by organizers as, “A free-flowing exchange of complex ideas that do not concern you,” began amid controversy as a delegation of sociologists representing the University of California at Berkley had its credentials rejected on grounds they were merely “pretentious,” and not actually “patronizing.” Continue Reading

Los Angeles, CA (BNSE) — A contentious rally of Neo-Nazis in central Los Angeles erupted into laughter earlier this week as Fascist supporting speakers vehemently denied taunts from hundreds of assembled protesters accusing them of closet homosexuality.

“We are not gay,” shouted one World War II era-esque SS uniformed speaker. “Homosexuality is an abomination against God, and a sin to the white race,” he screamed as he pounded on his metal spike studded leather codpiece. “You’re all going to rot in hell!” Continue Reading

Sarasota, Fla (GlossyNews) — Markets around the world were rocked today with news of the imminent foreclosure on Hell by a consortium of major international banks. The announcement came only after months of failed negotiations between Satan and the Associated Minions of the Nether Regions to reach an agreement with creditors on the restructuring of Hell’s dept.

“Isn’t that a kick in the teeth,” said Beelzebub, official spokes-demon for the Associated Minions of the Nether Regions. Continue Reading

Washington, DC (GlossyNews) — Hundreds of current and former 2010 Census workers filed a class action law suit today in Federal District Court charging the United States Census Bureau with a pattern of unfair labor practices against its employees.

Specific details of the lawsuit were yet to be released at press time, however, lawyers for the plaintiffs announced to the press via conference call, “The Census Bureau has and is enforcing a series of unrealistic and impossible standards on its employees under the guise of standard business practices that make it difficult for its employees to excel. These standards, while enforced relatively uniformly, are arbitrary and capricious Continue Reading

Berkley, CA (BNSE) — California college professors and students took to the streets again today to protest Governor Schwarzenegger’s stark austerity plans to bring the deficit burdened California state budget back in line. Chief among their complaints are designated cut backs in the state’s higher education budget, including reductions in the number of courses offered, tuition increases, and a 4% pay cut for teaching professors. Outraged professors compared the pay cut to World War II Nazi Holocaust of 6 million Jews, the Rape of Nan-king, and the burning of the Library at Alexandria, among other historical tragedies. Continue Reading

Washington, D.C. (GlossyNews) — What began as a commemorative event to honor the exhibition of an original copy of the United States Constitution at the new Capitol Visitor Center, quickly escalated to an impromptu ruling by the Supreme Court that the Constitution is, in fact, unconstitutional. The unanimous ruling came down after several justices haddared one another to read the document. Continue Reading

Philadelphia, PA (GlossyNews): An unnamed accused serial rapist demanded tougher gun control laws from his hospital bed in suburban Philadelphia earlier today, just hours after being admitted by police for a gun shot wound incurred while attempting to assault a local woman. Lawyers for the alleged rapist charged their client was “the real victim of this assault,” and warned that easy access to legal firearms was “[Making] committing a rape or other violent crime nearly impossible in many suburban areas.” Continue Reading

Ashland, KY (GlossyNews): Former Alaska Governor, Sara Palin, continued her outreach to the Tea Party movement this week, speaking before a group of Tea Party activists outside Ashland.

Palin was warmly received by the $150 per ticket Tea Party rally attendees, who stood up in thunderous applause as the former Governor related a series of “Tell Off” stories from her personal life where she perceived herself as getting the upper hand in a series of verbal and “cultural” confrontations. Continue Reading

hWashington, DC (GlossyNews): House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, met with the press and Congressional leaders today to discuss replacing the 2010 mid-term election cycle with a “psychic estimate” of the voters’ true intent.

“There are just so many distractions and inherent inequalities in the current electoral process, we have to seriously question whether a fair electron is even possible,” Pelosi stated. Continue Reading

Detroit, Mich. (GlossyNews): General Motors Corporation announced today the release of a line of high-tech vehicles designed to meet the demands of environmentally conscious consumers, as well as the new federal green-technologies regulations. According to a company spokesman, “The new biodegradable car, made entirely of remaindered Crocs, will return GM to international prominence as a leader in innovative automobile technologies, and position the company for increased market share in both the international and domestic markets.” Continue Reading

Framingham, MS (GlossyNews) — Prominent public education leaders from across the nation called for an across the board expansion in Zero Tolerance policies in public schools today after a two week symposium. The leaders found the mandatory expulsion and suspension from school of students for various infractions both “improved school spirit and created an atmosphere of fairness.” Continue Reading

Boston, MA (GlossyNews) — Democratic National Committee campaign strategists are rushing today to explain the unexpectedly strong showing by Republican Scott Brown in the Massachusetts special election to fill the seat of the late Senator Edward Kennedy.

Republic pundits and party insiders are quick to call the surprisingly strong showing by Brown a referendum on nationalized health care, and the performance of the Obama Administration, in general. However, Democratic insiders dismiss these claims, charging the election and polling results are more “a reflection on the local character of this race,” rather than an indicator of 2010 mid-term election results. Continue Reading

Philadelphia, PA (GlossyNews): Officials from the United States Mint announced today the inception of a new commemorative quarter program based on the popular “50 States Quarter Collection.” The program, already expanded to include all United States’ sovereign territories, the Presidents on the popular $1 gold toned coin, and National Parks, will now include a series of special commemorative reverses honoring the service industry careers that form the backbone of America’s 21st Century economy. Continue Reading

Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) – Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers “duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials. Continue Reading

Washington, DC (BNSE): Department of Homeland Security and Transportation Safety Administration officials gathered today to announce what they call “a stunning medical breakthrough.”

The agencies, tasked with the safety of the United States mainland and passenger air travel, claimed that despite having little or no budget for medical or health care research, “[They] have managed to find valuable secondary benefits to new security surveillance policies and procedures that not only make it safer to fly, but provide hope for those suffering from one of the agencies’ fastest growing medical conditions… male impotence.” Continue Reading

New York, NY — Cautious retail executives sounded a note of warning on late Christmas Season sales despite early indicators of a slight increase in consumer spending over last year. According to these industry leaders, there is “a certain lack of enthusiasm from consumers” indicating the selling season may end early.

“Last year, despite the poor results, consumers were doing their best to stimulate the terrible economic conditions,” said one high ranking industry insider. Continue Reading