Banks Face Fines for Murdering Delinquent Homeowners

DOVER, Delaware (GlossyNews) – Justice Department investigators confirmed today they are considering possible fines and other penalties against several of the United States’ largest financial institutions for the murders of hundreds of homeowners delinquent in their mortgage payments.

The Justice Department responded to complaints from families of recent murder victims claiming to receive billing statements from the deceased’s mortgage companies demanding payment for “ammunition services,” “break-in and terrorizing administrative charges,” and “blood removal and dry cleaning fees,” among other charges related to “Mortgage Remediation Services.” Read more Banks Face Fines for Murdering Delinquent Homeowners

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Westboro Baptist Sues God Claiming He “Doesn’t Really Mind Fags”

Washington, DC (GlossyNews.com): The Westboro Baptist Church, the controversial religious sect best known for protesting the funerals of slain war veterans and their “God Hates Fags” protest signs, announced a startling lawsuit against God in Federal District Court today.

According to Court documents, the Westboro Baptists are seeking “unspecified damages” against “The Lord God, Almighty,” for breach of contract under the terms of US Code Title 25, Section 3116. Read more Westboro Baptist Sues God Claiming He “Doesn’t Really Mind Fags”

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WikiLeaks Revelation: Iranian President “Some Kind of F’d Up Elf”

Sydney, Australia (BNSE): Wikileaks, the controversial Australian based organization which recently rocked the American intelligence community with the release of thousands of classified documents linked to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, has sent shock waves again with the release of extraordinary documents detailing the shadowy background of Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Read more WikiLeaks Revelation: Iranian President “Some Kind of F’d Up Elf”

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Budget Cutbacks Release Hoards of Idiot Nephews

NEW BRIGHTON, Pennsylvania (BNSE) — State and local law enforcement agencies were placed on high alert today as thousands of idiot nephews began massing around the state in the wake of massive layoffs from state agencies and local businesses due to severe budget cutbacks as a result of the slow economy.

“Oh, dear God… Dear God… This is bad… I mean real bad,” said an official spokesman for the Governor’s office before he broke down in tears. “We never thought it would come to this. None of us did. I mean, it was my mother, you know. She puts me on the spot right at Thanksgiving dinner about why I can’t get Willie a job. I just wanted to eat some turkey, dammit, and now Willie’s not penned up for eight hours a day at the DMV and I can’t reach my wife on the cell phone!.” Read more Budget Cutbacks Release Hoards of Idiot Nephews

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‘Canadian’ Quarter Leads to Terrorist Arrests at Unemployment Office

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — Agents from the Federal Bureau of Investigations, Department of Homeland Security, and SWAT teams from around the are descended on a local unemployment office after a random security sweep uncovered “terrorist paraphernalia” on several adults filing unemployment claims.

A high ranking FBI official confirmed dozens of arrests were made of persons possessing “components necessary for the construction of IED’s (Improvised Explosive Devices,)” Read more ‘Canadian’ Quarter Leads to Terrorist Arrests at Unemployment Office

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Times Square Bomber Gets Plea Deal – Turned in 6 Smokers

NEW YORK, New York (GlossyNews) — Department of Homeland Security officials admitted today at an early morning press conference that Faisal Shahzad, 30, the alleged “Times Square Bomber,” was released on bond at the behest of New York City leaders as part of a plea deal where Shahzad agreed to disclose the name of several individuals who consistently ignore and evade the City’s anti-smoking regulations.

A high ranking Homeland Security official stated, “It is not unusual for plea deals to be made with accused criminals in the hope of gaining information leading to the prosecution of even more dangerous criminals. Read more Times Square Bomber Gets Plea Deal – Turned in 6 Smokers

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Stimulus Bonanza – Federal Reserve to Sell Vitamin Supplements

Jackson Hole, WY (GlossyNews): Mired with increasing signals of an unexpected economic slowdown and the possibility of a double dip recession, the Federal Reserve announced a series of “unconventional” programs it is prepared to undertake in order to stabilize the economy. Standing prominently among various initiatives including further quantitative easing, maintaining record law interest rates, and increased buying of sovereign dept, the Federal Reserve plans to begin selling a full line of vitamin supplements are part of a multi-level marketing campaign. Read more Stimulus Bonanza – Federal Reserve to Sell Vitamin Supplements

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