Posted in Crime

Lunch Lady Bribes Bullies to Harass Her … Profit

Scandal visited peaceful Mayfield, Ohio this week with news Agnes Javits has been dismissed from Warner Oland Elementary School. With over forty years in cafeteria service, beloved ‘Miss A’ was easily the most recognized town resident, having served lunch to…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Lunch Lady Bribes Bullies to Harass Her … Profit
Posted in Education

Commencement Speech Breaks Bad, Suggests Seppuku

Steeped in tradition, Flaverhaven College favors seasoned citizens as commencement speakers. Sources close to the story say if but for the untimely passing of Gore Vidal, none of the unfortunate events would’ve happened. Founded in 1712 by pacifist Quakers who…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Commencement Speech Breaks Bad, Suggests Seppuku
Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos Television

Train Obliterates Texting Driver; Darwin Unsurprised

Paranormal investigators have recently reported unprecedented EMF activity, with some saying it’s like Stephen King got struck by lightning. Those off the dial readings are attributed to a curious event in the life of Theresa Caputo, star of TLC’s “Long…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Train Obliterates Texting Driver; Darwin Unsurprised
Posted in Top Stories

“Georgetown University Girl is Loco”

Posted by your South America correspondents Maria and Consuela Lopez. Maria: “We’ve been very busy covering the Syrian rebellion from the Greek Isles, and according to all the guys we’ve interviewed here, it’s not going too well in Syria.”

WTF?! Click now to find out more! “Georgetown University Girl is Loco”
Posted in Celebrity Gossip Music Top Stories

Octomom weds Chaz Bono

Photographers filled sidewalks outside Graceland Chapel this weekend, spilling out into the street and blocking traffic. The paparazzi had thronged to Vegas for a snapshot of what’s being called the wedding of the century. Chaz Bono and a radiant Nadya…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Octomom weds Chaz Bono
Posted in Politics

Pay-per-view Presidential Debates

It is the dark, painful secret of broadcast journalism. Dedicated professionals actually work tirelessly to produce that lowest common denominator pabulum known as ‘mainstream media.’ Insiders admit the fare is about as nutritious as rice cakes dipped in excrement, but…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Pay-per-view Presidential Debates
Posted in Health

Ford Claims Insurance Faith Exemption

Long after contemporary pundits have passed on to their respective rewards (7th level of Dante’s Inferno) historians may characterize the Affordable Healthcare Act as 2700 pages of unintended consequences. That possibility loomed larger this week as Ford Motor Company triggered…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Ford Claims Insurance Faith Exemption
Posted in Top Stories

Forgotten Gods Seize Egypt

Just as nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, few outside the cast of History Channel’s popular ‘Ancient Aliens’ program foresaw this week’s developments. Much to the surprise of the Muslim brotherhood, it appears Osiris, Isis, Horus, Anubis, and a host of…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Forgotten Gods Seize Egypt
Posted in Society

Fashion’s New Passion: Flag Apparel

Considered the retail clothier’s equivalent of a Bilderberg conference, the Miami Youth Casual Apparel show has long drawn attention without producing fashion headlines. A party atmosphere combines with paparazzi, cutting edge designers and models that appear to have never seen…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Fashion’s New Passion: Flag Apparel
Posted in Entertainment

Porn Industry Backs Obama Re-election

Anita Bryce-Flaverhaven is a petite woman many would describe as soft-spoken. She sits behind a walnut desk in an office among the skyscrapers that comprise the Sacramento skyline. All around her are mementos denoting a vibrant family life away from…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Porn Industry Backs Obama Re-election
Posted in Science & Technologizzy

Study Links Decline to Spare Tire Trend

As Physicists huddle underground in super collider facilities, much of the world is fascinated with the quest for the elusive Higgs Boson particle. Current scientific consensus believes the Higgs Boson may play a role in defining gravity, based on the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Study Links Decline to Spare Tire Trend
Posted in Strange People

Bigfoot Saves Man from Chupacabra

Spanish Forks, Idaho has long been famous for trout fishing and scenic mountain vistas. Many in this small town now wonder if that has changed forever, given recent events. Accounts differ, but most agree it began with local man Al…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Bigfoot Saves Man from Chupacabra
Posted in Politics

WikiLeaks Reveals Newt-Mitt Meeting Details

Normally talkative sources from campaigns Gingrich and Romney remain silent on a recent summit between the two bitter rivals. Characterized by both camps as more a social ‘let bygones be bygones’ affair, the meeting has left election watchers wondering whether…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! WikiLeaks Reveals Newt-Mitt Meeting Details
Posted in Society

PETA Launches Jackass Campaign

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) announced this week an ambitious new initiative aimed at changing the way people perceive mules. The program was announced by PETA spokesperson Barb Arians in an emotional, sometimes acrimonious press conference. “This…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! PETA Launches Jackass Campaign
Posted in Human Interest

Newly Discovered Da Vinci Masterpiece Stirs Controversy

Among connoisseurs of great art, the giants who are known by a single name comprise a very short list. We have Raphael, Rembrandt, Picasso, Michelangelo, and of course [Thomas] Kinkade. But perhaps none of these can compare with the magic…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Newly Discovered Da Vinci Masterpiece Stirs Controversy
Posted in Top Stories

The Righteous Make Sure Message of Hate Not Lost on Disaster Victims

Andy Wass stands in a rubble pile that was recently his living room and makes stabbing motions at the sky with the pink flyer he holds in his work gloved hand. Andy is laughing. “Says here ‘God punishes Fag Lovers.’…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! The Righteous Make Sure Message of Hate Not Lost on Disaster Victims
Posted in Politics Television

GOP Hopefuls Woo Gilligan’s Island Caucus

When the Republican primary race began in January 2009, few could have imagined the many twists and turns that lay ahead. So perhaps it is fitting that residents of a small Pacific island will have a disproportionate voice in choosing…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! GOP Hopefuls Woo Gilligan’s Island Caucus
Posted in Top Stories Travel

Cruise Lines End Affirmative Action

In the wake of several recent misadventures, it was announced today all major cruise lines will end their affirmative action programs, effective immediately. Leisure industry analysts say some response was expected, but the move may be too late to reduce…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Cruise Lines End Affirmative Action
Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos Technology

Apple Prototype Left in Bar

Tech sector analysts say Apple has already experienced some roller coaster PR rides, and the year is just beginning. Apple stock surged last week on news of the I-Mback, a device that lets deceased people return as fully interactive holograms….

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Apple Prototype Left in Bar
Posted in Technology

Steve Jobs returns as Hologram

Apple Inc. announced today its founder did not ‘go gentle into that good night.’ Instead, Steve re-booted. Developer Etta Place told reporters, “We don’t hawk that ‘quantum leap forward’ jazz; we’re not Microsoft. Our work speaks for itself. What we’ve…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Steve Jobs returns as Hologram
Posted in Top Stories

Despot Job Loss Linked to Obamanomics

In yet another bad sign for President Obama, dictator unemployment numbers rose sharply again this month. Partisans at both ends of the political spectrum were quick to take expected stances, but all agree on one thing. Tyrants have been among…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Despot Job Loss Linked to Obamanomics
Posted in Politics

Why Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann Could Never Be Democrats

Really I don’t understand why so many Liberals I have lots of admiration for get kinda ‘mouth foamy’ at the mention of Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann. My liberal friends seem to genuinely despise those two women. Myself, I don’t…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Why Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann Could Never Be Democrats
Posted in World News

Germany to Leave EU… for the Children

Stocks plunged worldwide and oil closed below $80 today on news that Germany will end its European Union membership effective 2012. Financial analysts and global security experts are unable to predict how the unexpected move will shape an increasingly interconnected…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Germany to Leave EU… for the Children
Posted in World News

Arabic Speling Bee Canceled for Education Concerns

Modernization efforts in post-Mubarak Egypt were dealt yet another blow this week, with announcement that the first ever Arabic spelling contest will not take place. Leaders of the fledgling coalition seeking to transition Egypt from military rule to a secular…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Arabic Speling Bee Canceled for Education Concerns
Posted in Politics

Insane Debt Levels suddenly Uncool

Just as no one knows the cause of earthquakes, sudden mass culture changes are a matter of great mystery to sociologists. History is rife with instances of these shifts. Communist Russia was seen as heroic, but then all of America…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Insane Debt Levels suddenly Uncool
Posted in Science & Technologizzy

NASA Workers Reveal Demands

It was thought to be a bittersweet moment as the last ever space shuttle mission landed flawlessly in the early hours of dawn that day. What began in the bold optimism of JFK’s challenge to walk on the moon had…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! NASA Workers Reveal Demands
Posted in Politics

Ron Paul in Fight for GOP Nutjob Vote

Repeat offender presidential candidate Ron Paul now faces an unexpected threat, according to sources close to the campaign. There may be somebody in the race who is crazier than him. On electoral issues, veterans say ‘a year is a decade.’…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Ron Paul in Fight for GOP Nutjob Vote
Posted in Health

Obamacare to Include Mood Ring Mandate?

As the few remaining Tea Party freshmen and ‘Blue dog’ Democrats who are not embroiled in sex scandals stress their fiscal hawk credentials, some say it was inevitable that Obamacare would eventually feel the heat, and not just due to…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Obamacare to Include Mood Ring Mandate?
Posted in Biz News

News: Upscale Suburban Hillbilly Sells House

“Whole thing came as a shock really” said Clyde Dreyfuss this week, standing in the front yard of his fake Victorian cottage next to the ‘Sold’ sign. Why reporters converged on the usually placid subdivision just south of Memphis, TN…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! News: Upscale Suburban Hillbilly Sells House
Posted in Politics

Tea Party Rejects Alligator Moat Concession

Posted by your South America correspondents Maria and Consuela Lopez – GlossyNews.com In his first major speech on immigration reform, President Obama proved in El Paso he has now learned how to piss off everybody at the same time. We…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Tea Party Rejects Alligator Moat Concession