Lunch Lady Bribes Bullies to Harass Her … Profit

Scandal visited peaceful Mayfield, Ohio this week with news Agnes Javits has been dismissed from Warner Oland Elementary School. With over forty years in cafeteria service, beloved ‘Miss A’ was easily the most recognized town resident, having served lunch to three successive generations of Mayfielders.

The controversy has shaken this community’s confidence. School officials have announced counseling services will be available for students. Read more Lunch Lady Bribes Bullies to Harass Her … Profit

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Commencement Speech Breaks Bad, Suggests Seppuku

Steeped in tradition, Flaverhaven College favors seasoned citizens as commencement speakers. Sources close to the story say if but for the untimely passing of Gore Vidal, none of the unfortunate events would’ve happened.

Founded in 1712 by pacifist Quakers who were later killed by neighboring Native Americans, historic Flaverhaven nestles quietly among the towering Adirondacks. Read more Commencement Speech Breaks Bad, Suggests Seppuku

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Train Obliterates Texting Driver; Darwin Unsurprised

Paranormal investigators have recently reported unprecedented EMF activity, with some saying it’s like Stephen King got struck by lightning. Those off the dial readings are attributed to a curious event in the life of Theresa Caputo, star of TLC’s “Long Island Medium.” Apparently, two departed entities have chosen Ms. Caputo as spokesperson for their heated argument. Read more Train Obliterates Texting Driver; Darwin Unsurprised

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Octomom weds Chaz Bono

Photographers filled sidewalks outside Graceland Chapel this weekend, spilling out into the street and blocking traffic. The paparazzi had thronged to Vegas for a snapshot of what’s being called the wedding of the century. Chaz Bono and a radiant Nadya Suleman became man and wife as a small group of friends and relatives looked on. Read more Octomom weds Chaz Bono

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Pay-per-view Presidential Debates

It is the dark, painful secret of broadcast journalism. Dedicated professionals actually work tirelessly to produce that lowest common denominator pabulum known as ‘mainstream media.’ Insiders admit the fare is about as nutritious as rice cakes dipped in excrement, but they’re quick to blame the audience. CNN’s Anderson Cooper said, “We only have 360,000 viewers, and most of them are stuck at airports probably. We have to give people what they want.” Read more Pay-per-view Presidential Debates

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Ford Claims Insurance Faith Exemption

Long after contemporary pundits have passed on to their respective rewards (7th level of Dante’s Inferno) historians may characterize the Affordable Healthcare Act as 2700 pages of unintended consequences.

That possibility loomed larger this week as Ford Motor Company triggered what is being called the mother of all loopholes. At issue before the Supreme Court’s precedent shattering emergency session is whether Ford is a faith based organization. Read more Ford Claims Insurance Faith Exemption

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Forgotten Gods Seize Egypt

Just as nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, few outside the cast of History Channel’s popular ‘Ancient Aliens’ program foresaw this week’s developments. Much to the surprise of the Muslim brotherhood, it appears Osiris, Isis, Horus, Anubis, and a host of lesser ancient deities are in fact real. It appears that way because they appeared, in Tahrir Square in conjunction with the lunar perigee. Sources close to the story say it came as quite a shock, especially to the Jihad community. Read more Forgotten Gods Seize Egypt

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Fashion’s New Passion: Flag Apparel

Considered the retail clothier’s equivalent of a Bilderberg conference, the Miami Youth Casual Apparel show has long drawn attention without producing fashion headlines. A party atmosphere combines with paparazzi, cutting edge designers and models that appear to have never seen a cheeseburger. Everyone says it’s fun to be at the MYCA. But beyond gossip columns, little real news is generated. Read more Fashion’s New Passion: Flag Apparel

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Porn Industry Backs Obama Re-election

Anita Bryce-Flaverhaven is a petite woman many would describe as soft-spoken. She sits behind a walnut desk in an office among the skyscrapers that comprise the Sacramento skyline. All around her are mementos denoting a vibrant family life away from work. Photos of rafting trips on the Colorado, birthday parties, and hand drawn Mother’s Day cards adorn the walls. Read more Porn Industry Backs Obama Re-election

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Study Links Decline to Spare Tire Trend

As Physicists huddle underground in super collider facilities, much of the world is fascinated with the quest for the elusive Higgs Boson particle. Current scientific consensus believes the Higgs Boson may play a role in defining gravity, based on the work of highly controversial String theorists and several rejected scripts from the popular CBS show “Big Bang Theory.” Read more Study Links Decline to Spare Tire Trend

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Bigfoot Saves Man from Chupacabra

Spanish Forks, Idaho has long been famous for trout fishing and scenic mountain vistas. Many in this small town now wonder if that has changed forever, given recent events. Accounts differ, but most agree it began with local man Al Gunderson arriving at the Tri-Cities Clinic in bloody tatters. Nurse Practitioner Nicole Lowell treated Gunderson for injuries she described as numerous but not life-threatening. Read more Bigfoot Saves Man from Chupacabra

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WikiLeaks Reveals Newt-Mitt Meeting Details

Normally talkative sources from campaigns Gingrich and Romney remain silent on a recent summit between the two bitter rivals. Characterized by both camps as more a social ‘let bygones be bygones’ affair, the meeting has left election watchers wondering whether more than genteel rapprochements were exchanged. Suggestions of a quite different meeting were revealed this week, via a totally unexpected source. Read more WikiLeaks Reveals Newt-Mitt Meeting Details

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PETA Launches Jackass Campaign

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) announced this week an ambitious new initiative aimed at changing the way people perceive mules. The program was announced by PETA spokesperson Barb Arians in an emotional, sometimes acrimonious press conference. “This represents a confident new direction for PETA. We’ve long focused on getting everybody to go vegetarian. That hasn’t worked out too well yet.” Read more PETA Launches Jackass Campaign

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Newly Discovered Da Vinci Masterpiece Stirs Controversy

Among connoisseurs of great art, the giants who are known by a single name comprise a very short list. We have Raphael, Rembrandt, Picasso, Michelangelo, and of course [Thomas] Kinkade. But perhaps none of these can compare with the magic conjured by the name Da Vinci. The discovery of a new Da Vinci work is sending shock waves through the entire art world. Read more Newly Discovered Da Vinci Masterpiece Stirs Controversy

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The Righteous Make Sure Message of Hate Not Lost on Disaster Victims

Andy Wass stands in a rubble pile that was recently his living room and makes stabbing motions at the sky with the pink flyer he holds in his work gloved hand. Andy is laughing. “Says here ‘God punishes Fag Lovers.’ Strange, but I’ve been living around here all my life; no Gay Pride parades yet.”

A short, muscular man of perhaps thirty, Wass lets the paper fall from his hand and looks toward the horizon. In every direction it seems as if the town has been carpet bombed. “I guess they usually stuff their flyers under windshield wipers. My car’s across the street upside down with an oak tree on top of it. So they stuck their paper in what’s left of my kid’s swing set.” Read more The Righteous Make Sure Message of Hate Not Lost on Disaster Victims

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GOP Hopefuls Woo Gilligan’s Island Caucus

When the Republican primary race began in January 2009, few could have imagined the many twists and turns that lay ahead. So perhaps it is fitting that residents of a small Pacific island will have a disproportionate voice in choosing which Republican gets to make the November concession speech.

The Gilligan’s Island caucus has never drawn much media attention, coming so soon after Super Tuesday, and offering only one sixteenth of a delegate. Read more GOP Hopefuls Woo Gilligan’s Island Caucus

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Cruise Lines End Affirmative Action

In the wake of several recent misadventures, it was announced today all major cruise lines will end their affirmative action programs, effective immediately. Leisure industry analysts say some response was expected, but the move may be too late to reduce cancellations, at least in the short term.

Investment giant Rosencrantz & Guildenstern’s Gordon Gekko summed up the challenges ahead for the cruise lines. Read more Cruise Lines End Affirmative Action

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