Song stylist and political activist Adam Cohen has died, sources close to the family told Glossy News today. Cohen passed peacefully at his Greenwich Village apartment, after a long battle with colorectal cancer and raging irrelevance.

Cohen is best known for his seminal work with Adam, Eve & Cain. As member of that groundbreaking trio, Adam penned such unforgettable classics as “Leaving on a big Boat” but is better known for passionate anti-war and Civil Rights anthems. Continue Reading

HELL (GlossyNews) — Word comes via famed psychic John Edwards, that legendary sports icon George Steinbrenner has not gone ‘gentle into that good night.’ Other sources confirm Edwards’ assertions. The former Yankees owner has discharged Satan from any further managerial duties of Hell, LLC. Continue Reading

Astounding news continues from a Hong Kong based group of evangelical archeologists. The Xinyou Qing Project (rough English translation, ‘We go find Ark now’) first grabbed headlines this year with discovery of Noah’s Ark on Mt. Ararat. Detailed work at the site has now uncovered the most precious relics of Christendom. Continue Reading

In what industry analysts warn may signal a downturn for Mexico’s extraction sector, ‘Steenking Badges’ futures closed sharply lower today. The precipitous decline over the past six weeks, though generally seen as unfavorable, elicited highly contentious opinions.

The widely acknowledged Zen master of Latin American mineral markets was as usual, cryptic and candid at the same time. Said Nobel laureate Inigo Montoya, “Yes, I know what they say. In a time when precious metals are escalating against shaky world paper currencies, they find the drop in bandit requests for fake badges inconceivable. This word ‘inconceivable’ I do not think it means what they think it means.” Continue Reading

ROSWELL, New Mexico (GlossyNews) — In his harshest stance yet, President Barack Obama has demanded flailing petroleum giant BP establish yet another $20B set-aside to address more leak damage. At issue is the recent Wiki-leaks release of 91,000 classified documents, considered highly toxic by most defense analysts.

Said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, “This thing undeniably looks like BP. It’s of unprecedented proportions, politically inconvenient, and clean-up will be a nightmare. So who do you think did it? A leak of these dimensions can only mean BP has failed to follow adequate safety procedures, yet again.”

Though in a leadership transition, BP was quick to respond on this latest disaster. Continue Reading

ALEXANDRIA, Virginia (GlossyNews) — In what Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel termed, “ordinary mid-term reassignments” First Lady Michelle Obama was fired today by Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack.

The brief press statement, sent via Twitter and read by White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs, cited Michelle’s failure to ‘get with the program’ as cause for dismissal.

Said Gibbs, “She’s a nice woman, and we wish her the best in future endeavors, but Michelle just isn’t a good fit for Team Obama. We’re trying to change the direction of America; it’s serious business. Continue Reading

ODESSA, Texas Commonwealth (GlossyNews) — While it was initially believed Elena Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination would move ahead with only token opposition, such hopes are fading as Congress begins the summer recess.

Backed by the Tea Party affiliated Citizens for Legal Official Documents, Senator Denton R. Fender (R-TX) announced today he will filibuster the Kagan nomination. At issue are recent rumors that Ms. Kagan wasn’t born in New York, as some documents claim. It appears she may have been born in Kenya. Continue Reading

Rashomon Technologies today announced that it is discontinuing field trials for “Good-Dog” due to the technology’s stunningly successful performance. The product’s target launch date is late 2011, contingent on royalty and licensing agreements with US veterinarians. RT CEO Kazuo Kurosawa acted as ringmaster in the multi-media presentation of a consumer product that industry insiders believe will out sell the iPhone. Continue Reading

In uncertain economic times, people facing unemployment and foreclosure often find it difficult to empathize with artists who suffer writers block. Such was confirmed in a recent study from the Pew Research Center. According to the results:

67 percent of unemployed Gulf Coast shrimpers and tourism workers don’t daily think about people with writers block. Continue Reading

NEW YORK (GlossyNews) — Analysts predict a drop in equity markets this week, in the wake of unexpected SEC announcements. Investment giant Guildenstern & Rosencrantz, long a Wall Street presence, is to be liquidated.

The word came from Under Assistant Treasury Secretary David Cassidy today, simultaneous with deployment of the SEC’s elite SWAT CPA force. Cassidy predicted the G&R perimeter would be secured quickly, and then detailed the reasons behind the operation. Continue Reading

THE HAGUE, The Netherlands — (GlossyNews) — Humor news media titan Glossy News announced today a lawsuit expected to redefine international intellectual property rights law, and possibly win the war against terror.

According to a brief filed in New York’s 4th District Court, while simultaneously brought before the WTO, and the Permanent Court of Arbitration, Al Qaeda has gone too far this time. At issue is the fanatical, murderous organization’s initial publication of a glossy paged news periodical. Continue Reading

HOLLYWOODLAND, West Coast (GlossyNews) — Self-crowned ‘King of Directors’ James Cameron today announced a project expected to establish a new standard in cinema. Speaking from Malibu’s exclusive ‘Pssst, You can smoke in here’ Bistro, the mega-hit crafter was upbeat, while still maintaining his signature condescending tone. Continue Reading

ROSWELL, New Mexico (GlossyNews) –

The Intergalactic Play Nice Force has decided to abandon Earth operations, so said District Superintendent Greg Gort today.

“The IPNF really has no interest here anymore. It’s a wind-down, could take three Earth years at the outside. Bureaucracy is a constant in the Universe. We’ll run the funding out on the Venus base, and besides, I’ve got staff members who are only flreg parsecs from full retirement. Continue Reading

CARVILLE, Louisiana (GlossyNews) —

Posted by your South America (and also Caribbean) correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

We didn’t know, so we checked around. Nobody else knew either. And I’m talking smart people here? Geraldo Rivera, the internationally respected dean of semi-Latino journalists, he didn’t know.

We figured he might be messing with us, so we contacted that Nina Totebag woman from NPR? She didn’t know either. Switzerland has an Ambassador to the Bahamas! Continue Reading

PULASKI, Tennessee (GlossyNews) — Insiders predict RNC Chairman Michael Steele will soon decide to ‘spend more time with my family’ in the wake of his recent faux pas. It appears Steele has violated the most revered tenet of the DC code; don’t make political news in July.

First expressed by President Henry Clay in 1846, the full text of his letter to Senator Byrd reads as follows: “Our Founders were wise, they thought deep. They placed the seat of Federal power in a humid, fetid, hellish swamp because that was a way to keep we blood filled ticks away from the jugular vein of the American people, at least two months out of the year. Any craven blackguard who would draw us back to our desks in July merits the opprobrium of all opportunists.” Continue Reading

Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brasil (NovedadesGlossy) US opening weekend, the new Oliver Stone documentary grossed $21,545. Don’t let that low gross fool you; this film is highly gross. It’s grosser than naked pictures of Woody Allen.

The movie is Mr. Stone running around South America talking to politicians. Talk, talk, talk and it goes on for hours like that! Oh sure, there’s a little bit about some villages getting electricity, and that is a great thing. When I imagine those poor girls living in villages without blow driers, it about makes me cry. Don’t be thinking there’s much of that in ‘South of the Border’ though. It’s mostly ugly fat guys talking. Continue Reading

NUEVO LAREDO, Texas (GlossyNews) — In a move termed a ‘head scratcher’ by DC insiders, TX Senator Denton R. Fender this week released a statement aimed at rapprochement towards Spain, and some people who have been dead for five centuries.

“The condemnation of these noble explorers is way overdue for a shakeup. Far too long we’ve let Liberals write history, and Liberals always demonize free market capitalism. Slanderous revisionism of the Conquistadors reflects poorly on the noble Spanish people, and I for one sincerely apologize. Cortez and Pizarro, they were entrepreneurs in the finest American tradition. ” Continue Reading

America’s iconic symbol of 1970’s sexual excess, who’s had more you know what than a porta-potty seat at Bonnaroo, if you know what I mean, today announced a new joint venture with ‘Magnum PI’ alum Tom Selleck.

Clinics will be established across the United States, to aid aging baby boomer males who can’t grow a decent moustache without professional help. Speaking to reporters, Reynolds said, “Yeah, whatever. Could be some money in it, we’ll see, huh? Ride it as long as it’s fun, just like Dolly Parton.” Continue Reading