Apple Inc. announced today its founder did not ‘go gentle into that good night.’ Instead, Steve re-booted. Developer Etta Place told reporters, “We don’t hawk that ‘quantum leap forward’ jazz; we’re not Microsoft. Our work speaks for itself. What we’ve accomplished is Virtual Cloning.”

Ms. Place went on to explain VC had been a 2019 scheduled product release, but Job’s final contribution was leadership of the accelerated development timetable. Continue Reading

In yet another bad sign for President Obama, dictator unemployment numbers rose sharply again this month. Partisans at both ends of the political spectrum were quick to take expected stances, but all agree on one thing. Tyrants have been among the hardest hit in a global recession that shows little signs of abating.

In a nation that once thought itself insulated from the world’s troubles, Americans reacted with shock and sadness on news the despot downsizing trend strikes our homeland too. Burger King has been fired. Continue Reading

Really I don’t understand why so many Liberals I have lots of admiration for get kinda ‘mouth foamy’ at the mention of Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann. My liberal friends seem to genuinely despise those two women. Myself, I don’t really hate anybody. Except for the guy who did that ‘Pina Colada” song; he should be water boarded. Continue Reading

Stocks plunged worldwide and oil closed below $80 today on news that Germany will end its European Union membership effective 2012.

Financial analysts and global security experts are unable to predict how the unexpected move will shape an increasingly interconnected world. This much is known, nobody knows why the Germans made this decision, they won’t say why, and we have no way of making them talk. Continue Reading

Modernization efforts in post-Mubarak Egypt were dealt yet another blow this week, with announcement that the first ever Arabic spelling contest will not take place.

Leaders of the fledgling coalition seeking to transition Egypt from military rule to a secular republic were quick to answer outrage from western media on what’s being called ‘Spell-gate.’ Continue Reading

Just as no one knows the cause of earthquakes, sudden mass culture changes are a matter of great mystery to sociologists. History is rife with instances of these shifts. Communist Russia was seen as heroic, but then all of America changed its mind in 1946. Cigarettes were once the epitome of cool, but now smokers are pariahs huddled outside office buildings as if waiting for the next train to Auschwitz. And of course, there’s Adam Lambert. Continue Reading

It was thought to be a bittersweet moment as the last ever space shuttle mission landed flawlessly in the early hours of dawn that day. What began in the bold optimism of JFK’s challenge to walk on the moon had ended a half century later in a very different world with vastly different challenges. Continue Reading

Repeat offender presidential candidate Ron Paul now faces an unexpected threat, according to sources close to the campaign. There may be somebody in the race who is crazier than him.

On electoral issues, veterans say ‘a year is a decade.’ That proverb is especially validated in 2011, a landscape vastly different from the previous presidential contest. Continue Reading

As the few remaining Tea Party freshmen and ‘Blue dog’ Democrats who are not embroiled in sex scandals stress their fiscal hawk credentials, some say it was inevitable that Obamacare would eventually feel the heat, and not just due to an untreated infection.

Sources close to the White House say nitpicking certain provisions from the Affordable Health Care Act is nothing but political posturing, while those on the other side of the debate call them obstructionist extremists. Continue Reading

“Whole thing came as a shock really” said Clyde Dreyfuss this week, standing in the front yard of his fake Victorian cottage next to the ‘Sold’ sign. Why reporters converged on the usually placid subdivision just south of Memphis, TN still remains a topic of intense speculation at the local Starbucks, but they came.

Perhaps Whispering Woods resident Dr. Sri Pashavishnuama summed it up best when she said, “People have an appetite for ‘feel good’ stories. Continue Reading

Posted by your South America correspondents Maria and Consuela Lopez – GlossyNews.com In his first major speech on immigration reform, President Obama proved in El Paso he has now learned how to piss off everybody at the same time.

We Latinos are a more pragmatic people than you’d think, and Mr. Obama’s new proposal does have its merits, if it seemed deliverable. Continue Reading

Deputy Secretary of Defense Scott Turlock spoke from the Pentagon this week to announce news that portends even more paradigm challenges for the United States military forces.

“Well we don’t know how he got there either. Our plate’s pretty full right now just trying to make the new gay policy happen. We’ve asked Congress for money to buy bigger plates, but that’s stuck in conference right now, so we messed up. I know it’s an honored tradition in the military since World War Two, there are no ‘atheists in foxholes’ but turns out there is one.” Continue Reading

The 2010 Census results continue to be compiled by the world’s leading demographers and statisticians. Aiding in the research is the latest advance in super computer technology, developed in a joint effort between NASA and IBM.

Considered a quantum leap in computing speed, the Kinetic Intelligence Logarithm Re-Ordering Yin-Yang super computer is said to have a processing speed of 14 giga-tera bytes per nanosecond. Continue Reading

People who earn horse choking sums by predicting events that never come to pass find themselves choking in light of the current government shutdown.

Consensus among pundits had predicted an imminent budget showdown due to efforts of Democrats eager to portray the GOP as heartless, and freshmen Republicans ready to demonstrate their budget cutting bona fides. Nobody foresaw that government shutdown would come due to the hospitalization of the entire Senate and House of Representatives. Continue Reading

To casual observers Kathy Klavan might seem just another middle class homemaker raising her children in this Atlanta suburb, but her heart burns with a defining passion. She wants Home Depot punished for its efforts to destroy America.

“Yeah, Calvin and I are very active in our community” said the attractive brunette from her Druid Hills home. “But I’m originally from the Chicago area, so I naturally take a wider view of what’s happening in our country.” Continue Reading

In short, digital enhancement of what was once thought to be video of an innocent family outing on a fateful day in American history now suggests the truth of 9-11 has long been packaged in a tissue of lies.

At this writing, no major news outlets have seen the video. Word of it first leaked out last week via internet postings by a shadowy group calling itself ‘The Guardians.’ Continue Reading