Posted in Crime

Lunch Lady Bribes Bullies to Harass Her … Profit

Scandal visited peaceful Mayfield, Ohio this week with news Agnes Javits has been dismissed from Warner Oland Elementary School. With over forty years in cafeteria service, beloved ‘Miss A’ was easily the most recognized town resident, having served lunch to…

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Posted in Education

Commencement Speech Breaks Bad, Suggests Seppuku

Steeped in tradition, Flaverhaven College favors seasoned citizens as commencement speakers. Sources close to the story say if but for the untimely passing of Gore Vidal, none of the unfortunate events would’ve happened. Founded in 1712 by pacifist Quakers who…

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos Television

Train Obliterates Texting Driver; Darwin Unsurprised

Paranormal investigators have recently reported unprecedented EMF activity, with some saying it’s like Stephen King got struck by lightning. Those off the dial readings are attributed to a curious event in the life of Theresa Caputo, star of TLC’s “Long…

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Posted in Top Stories

“Georgetown University Girl is Loco”

Posted by your South America correspondents Maria and Consuela Lopez. Maria: “We’ve been very busy covering the Syrian rebellion from the Greek Isles, and according to all the guys we’ve interviewed here, it’s not going too well in Syria.”

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Music Top Stories

Octomom weds Chaz Bono

Photographers filled sidewalks outside Graceland Chapel this weekend, spilling out into the street and blocking traffic. The paparazzi had thronged to Vegas for a snapshot of what’s being called the wedding of the century. Chaz Bono and a radiant Nadya…

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Posted in Politics

Pay-per-view Presidential Debates

It is the dark, painful secret of broadcast journalism. Dedicated professionals actually work tirelessly to produce that lowest common denominator pabulum known as ‘mainstream media.’ Insiders admit the fare is about as nutritious as rice cakes dipped in excrement, but…

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Posted in Health

Ford Claims Insurance Faith Exemption

Long after contemporary pundits have passed on to their respective rewards (7th level of Dante’s Inferno) historians may characterize the Affordable Healthcare Act as 2700 pages of unintended consequences. That possibility loomed larger this week as Ford Motor Company triggered…

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Posted in Top Stories

Forgotten Gods Seize Egypt

Just as nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, few outside the cast of History Channel’s popular ‘Ancient Aliens’ program foresaw this week’s developments. Much to the surprise of the Muslim brotherhood, it appears Osiris, Isis, Horus, Anubis, and a host of…

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Posted in Society

Fashion’s New Passion: Flag Apparel

Considered the retail clothier’s equivalent of a Bilderberg conference, the Miami Youth Casual Apparel show has long drawn attention without producing fashion headlines. A party atmosphere combines with paparazzi, cutting edge designers and models that appear to have never seen…

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Posted in Entertainment

Porn Industry Backs Obama Re-election

Anita Bryce-Flaverhaven is a petite woman many would describe as soft-spoken. She sits behind a walnut desk in an office among the skyscrapers that comprise the Sacramento skyline. All around her are mementos denoting a vibrant family life away from…

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy

Study Links Decline to Spare Tire Trend

As Physicists huddle underground in super collider facilities, much of the world is fascinated with the quest for the elusive Higgs Boson particle. Current scientific consensus believes the Higgs Boson may play a role in defining gravity, based on the…

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Posted in Strange People

Bigfoot Saves Man from Chupacabra

Spanish Forks, Idaho has long been famous for trout fishing and scenic mountain vistas. Many in this small town now wonder if that has changed forever, given recent events. Accounts differ, but most agree it began with local man Al…

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Posted in Politics

WikiLeaks Reveals Newt-Mitt Meeting Details

Normally talkative sources from campaigns Gingrich and Romney remain silent on a recent summit between the two bitter rivals. Characterized by both camps as more a social ‘let bygones be bygones’ affair, the meeting has left election watchers wondering whether…

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Posted in Society

PETA Launches Jackass Campaign

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) announced this week an ambitious new initiative aimed at changing the way people perceive mules. The program was announced by PETA spokesperson Barb Arians in an emotional, sometimes acrimonious press conference. “This…

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Posted in Human Interest

Newly Discovered Da Vinci Masterpiece Stirs Controversy

Among connoisseurs of great art, the giants who are known by a single name comprise a very short list. We have Raphael, Rembrandt, Picasso, Michelangelo, and of course [Thomas] Kinkade. But perhaps none of these can compare with the magic…

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Posted in Top Stories

The Righteous Make Sure Message of Hate Not Lost on Disaster Victims

Andy Wass stands in a rubble pile that was recently his living room and makes stabbing motions at the sky with the pink flyer he holds in his work gloved hand. Andy is laughing. “Says here ‘God punishes Fag Lovers.’…

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Posted in Politics Television

GOP Hopefuls Woo Gilligan’s Island Caucus

When the Republican primary race began in January 2009, few could have imagined the many twists and turns that lay ahead. So perhaps it is fitting that residents of a small Pacific island will have a disproportionate voice in choosing…

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Posted in Top Stories Travel

Cruise Lines End Affirmative Action

In the wake of several recent misadventures, it was announced today all major cruise lines will end their affirmative action programs, effective immediately. Leisure industry analysts say some response was expected, but the move may be too late to reduce…

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos Technology

Apple Prototype Left in Bar

Tech sector analysts say Apple has already experienced some roller coaster PR rides, and the year is just beginning. Apple stock surged last week on news of the I-Mback, a device that lets deceased people return as fully interactive holograms….

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Posted in Technology

Steve Jobs returns as Hologram

Apple Inc. announced today its founder did not ‘go gentle into that good night.’ Instead, Steve re-booted. Developer Etta Place told reporters, “We don’t hawk that ‘quantum leap forward’ jazz; we’re not Microsoft. Our work speaks for itself. What we’ve…

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