Lunch Lady Bribes Bullies to Harass Her … Profit

Scandal visited peaceful Mayfield, Ohio this week with news Agnes Javits has been dismissed from Warner Oland Elementary School. With over forty years in cafeteria service, beloved ‘Miss A’ was easily the most recognized town resident, having served lunch to three successive generations of Mayfielders.

The controversy has shaken this community’s confidence. School officials have announced counseling services will be available for students. Read more Lunch Lady Bribes Bullies to Harass Her … Profit


Commencement Speech Breaks Bad, Suggests Seppuku

Steeped in tradition, Flaverhaven College favors seasoned citizens as commencement speakers. Sources close to the story say if but for the untimely passing of Gore Vidal, none of the unfortunate events would’ve happened.

Founded in 1712 by pacifist Quakers who were later killed by neighboring Native Americans, historic Flaverhaven nestles quietly among the towering Adirondacks. Read more Commencement Speech Breaks Bad, Suggests Seppuku


Train Obliterates Texting Driver; Darwin Unsurprised

Paranormal investigators have recently reported unprecedented EMF activity, with some saying it’s like Stephen King got struck by lightning. Those off the dial readings are attributed to a curious event in the life of Theresa Caputo, star of TLC’s “Long Island Medium.” Apparently, two departed entities have chosen Ms. Caputo as spokesperson for their heated argument. Read more Train Obliterates Texting Driver; Darwin Unsurprised


Octomom weds Chaz Bono

Photographers filled sidewalks outside Graceland Chapel this weekend, spilling out into the street and blocking traffic. The paparazzi had thronged to Vegas for a snapshot of what’s being called the wedding of the century. Chaz Bono and a radiant Nadya Suleman became man and wife as a small group of friends and relatives looked on. Read more Octomom weds Chaz Bono


Pay-per-view Presidential Debates

It is the dark, painful secret of broadcast journalism. Dedicated professionals actually work tirelessly to produce that lowest common denominator pabulum known as ‘mainstream media.’ Insiders admit the fare is about as nutritious as rice cakes dipped in excrement, but they’re quick to blame the audience. CNN’s Anderson Cooper said, “We only have 360,000 viewers, and most of them are stuck at airports probably. We have to give people what they want.” Read more Pay-per-view Presidential Debates


Ford Claims Insurance Faith Exemption

Long after contemporary pundits have passed on to their respective rewards (7th level of Dante’s Inferno) historians may characterize the Affordable Healthcare Act as 2700 pages of unintended consequences.

That possibility loomed larger this week as Ford Motor Company triggered what is being called the mother of all loopholes. At issue before the Supreme Court’s precedent shattering emergency session is whether Ford is a faith based organization. Read more Ford Claims Insurance Faith Exemption