ATHERTON, Calif. (GlossyNews) — Meg Whitman, the former CEO of eBay, has spent upwards of $160 million of her own money in a run for California Governor, which easily tops the private spending of any candidate elsewhere in the entire universe, or at least the part of the universe we are aware of.
But what if she loses? Unlike Web sites that barter discarded baubles and quaint refuse to the highest bidder, elections gamble with higher stakes and less assured odds. Whitman’s campaign workers admitted that their candidate has slowly come to the realization that winning political office is less like outbidding shut-ins during an electronic auction and more like hitting the payout on a slot machine in an Indian gaming casino. As a result, Whitman was recently found huddled in her pantry among half-empty tins of duck liver pate and those little pieces of petit toasts, threatening to slit her wrists with the spreading knives if someone didn’t tell her where her money was.
Aides close to Whitman said that she could be heard screaming throughout the west wing of her palatial home, “Where is my money? What have you done with it?” In reality, it all went toward her campaign, which is now highly suspect of going to her Democratic opponent, Jerry Brown.
Whitman was finally coaxed out of the pantry when asked to give one last campaign speech in which she stated: “I want people to understand that I didn’t spend large sums of money just to satisfy my ego and become a powerful executive; I wanted to make sure California didn’t fall into the hands of some aging hippie who’s only reason to be Governor is to see that Proposition 19 succeeds. But if he actually does become Governor, the first thing I’m gonna do is demand a refund. Then I’m going to burn all my husband’s Linda Ronstadt records, just as soon as he gets back from Home Depot with the new landscapers.”
With that, Whitman crawled back into the pantry and dove right into an extra large jar of her favorite caviar.