Posted in Entertainment

Limbaugh Weasels Out of Another One

Much to the delight of his listening audience, crow connoisseur, Rush Limbaugh has claimed that Arizona shooter, Jared Lee Loughner is not insane, but psychic. “It’s true,” the egg-splattered Limbaugh proclaimed Wednesday, while doing a mind-bending radio segment about repealing the…

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Posted in War Zone

New Donor Cards Provide Cheney Opt-out Option

Bending to demand from potential organ donors, the World Organ Donor Bank, which issues organ donor cards, has printed a box on their cards that allows donors to opt-out when it comes to donating a heart to Vice-President and war…

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Posted in Television

Palin’s Comeback Trail Begins in Nashville Booby Bar

Nashville, TN-After spending years exercising her First Amendment rights to encourage the murder of someone who wasn’t a “real American,” Sarah Palin’s media career has taken a turn for the worse after several real Americans were murdered by an anti-government…

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Posted in Human Interest Religionism

East Texas Town Succumbs to Old-Fashioned Steapl Chase

Raisin, TX-The East Texas town of Raisin has found itself in a predictable predicament culminating from the holier-than-thou atmosphere that often pervades small towns across the United States. When you approach Raisin, a town of 2500 that sits in a…

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Posted in Politics

Obama Signs New Jim Crow Bill into Law

Washington D.C. – Continuing a perfect record of being a doormat for the Neo-Fascists, President Obama signed a reverse civil rights bill into law today. Specifically, the bill addresses the ire of restaurant owners who are tired of serving pesky colored…

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Posted in War Zone

Openly Gay Soldier Personally Loses War on Terror

Washington 2011: The official cause of America’s loss in the Afghanistan war has been traced to an openly gay soldier. The unidentified soldier, known as “Pretty Tony “ by his fellow soldiers, enlisted soon after the military dropped its opposition…

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Posted in Biz News Internets Tubes

Google Buys Wikileaks for an Undisclosed $30 Billion USD

Mountain View, CA- GlossyNews.com In what is likely the fastest negotiated buyout in history, mega-corporation Google will purchase the redheaded stepchild of the information age, Wikileaks.org, from founder J. Paul Assange for a staggering, undisclosed sum of $30 billion USD….

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos Human Interest

Baby Boomer Planning Ap Pushes Retirement Age to 170

A new computer application available to baby boomers, who are now reaching retirement age at the rate of 10,000 a day, allows optimistic boomers to plan for an affluent retirement at the ripe old age of 170. The program allows…

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Posted in Biz News

Chinese Ports Await Massive Christmas Cash Delivery

The Chinese ports of Shanghai and Shenzhen are preparing to unload dozens of giant freighters. The ships are filled to the brim with cash made from selling Americans millions of tons of cheap junk over the Christmas holidays. Fueled by…

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Posted in Religionism

Jesus: “I Need a Militia Like I Need an A-hole on My Elbow”

ALANSON, Mich. (Glossy News) — When news reached Heaven that a Midwestern militia was discovered training Jesus on handling the upcoming rapture, the Son of God laughed and exclaimed, “I need a militia to help me like I need an…

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Posted in Politics World News

Haley Barbour Channels Aunt Pittypat to Deny Racism’s Afoot

A secret videotape was recently found of Gov Haley Barbour (R-Miss.) channeling the spirit of Aunt Pittypat from the movie, Gone with the Wind, to let the world know the hubbub over Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell’s omission of slavery, while…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Entertainment

Sally Field Implodes as Entire Skeletal Structure Collapses

Appearing at a news conference plopped inside a prosthetic device that could only be described as a bucket, Sally Field wondered if anyone will still like her after she experienced a violent adverse reaction to the osteoporosis drug, Boniva. “A…

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Posted in Politics Talky Pictures

Glenn Beck, Charles Manson Powwow on How to Start a Race War

Witnesses claim a shadowy figure identified as Fox News agitator, professional racist, Tea Party provocateur and self-anointed Godsend, Glenn Beck, was seen moving in and out of the visitation chambers of Corcoran State Prison recently. The target of his attention?…

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Posted in Television

NBC to Debut OH MY GAAAWWWWD in Fall TV Lineup

A “unique” new NBC TV series to debut in the fall is entitled, OHHHH MMYYY GGGAAAWWWWDDDD!!!, and will air every night of the week with a different format each night. For example, Monday nights will allow viewers to witness a…

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Posted in Politics Society

Beck, Palin Hold DC Rally for ‘White Folks’

WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — On August 28, 2010, in a jaw-dropping spectacle of blatant bigotry, Fox News racist extraordinaire Glenn Beck, and Sarah Palin, Mrs. White Trash with Money 2010, held a KKK rally today on the steps of the…

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Posted in Television

Remains of “Dancing with the Stars” Suicide Bomber Given Ticker Tape Parade

The headless remains of a suicide bomber who blew the entire cast and production company of the mind-numbing reality show “Dancing with the Stars” to a billion bits, were given a ticker tape parade in New York City over the…

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Posted in Biz News Human Interest

Everyone in Office Takes Vacation Day on Gay Guy’s Birthday

When Morey Leonard arrived at work today, riding high because for once during the year everyone in the office will be nice to him, he found nearly everyone had taken the day off. This seemed strange because just a few…

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Posted in Religionism

Preacher Terry Jones to Replace Geraldo as World’s Hugest DongGobbler

Not since Geraldo Rivera stood outside Al Capone’s vault, has there been a TV moment with a bigger chance of bombing than Terry Jones’ Quran burning tonight, September 11, 2010. Terry Jones, the firebrand preacher of a Pentecostal Offshoot Church…

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Posted in Society

Taco Bell Chihuahua Births Anchor Pups Beneath Porch

Bella, former Taco Bell spokes-chihuahua has produced a litter of anchor pups under the Newsome family’s front porch. Mr. Newsome is beside himself and wants to kill the damn thing and its entire family. “We don’t have the money to…

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos Technology

IQ of iPhone 4 Buyers Related to Place in Line at iPhone Sale

Tawdry Soup has found the IQ level of iPhone 4 purchasers is directly related to the place in line each person had when the portable phones went on sale, and the figures are surprising. In the survey, administered as Tawdry…

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