Skrillex Weighs In On Iran Situation: “Wurrrrgraawwwwllllwicketyreeeeeoowwwr”
LOS ANGELES — Asked his opinion on whether or not the U.S. lifting specific sanctions on Iran in exchange for Iran’s cooperation in partially halting their nuclear program was a prudent decision, dubstep artist Skrillex weighed in, telling reporters, “WURRRRGRAAWWWWLLLLWICKETYREEEE-EOOWWWRR.”
Gay Duck Porn Found on Phil Robertson’s Hard Drive
Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson may not condone human homosexuality, but a recent reveal of the contents of his personal computer exposes his fascination with homosexual behavior in the animal kingdom, particularly in the duck species. The hacker group Anonymous…
Ron Burgundy Makes Hilarious Promotional Appearance at Local Man’s Funeral
BISMARCK, N.D. — In character as the “Anchorman” franchise’s Ron Burgundy, Will Ferrell made an objectively hilarious promotional appearance at a local Bismarck man’s funeral yesterday afternoon, the bereaved report. The funeral, which was originally intended to honor the memory…
Hope for Sufferers from Crazy Uncle Syndrome
Dateline: NEW YORK—Leo Cornwallis belongs to roughly the third of modern male siblings that suffer from Crazy Uncle Syndrome, according to the Sociological Index of Abnormality. But Leo and a growing number of others like him have sought to mitigate…
Theory Universe Just A Hologram “Really Messes With Peoples Heads”
An article in the Huffington Post (Science section, Dec. 12) titled ‘Is The Universe A Hologram? Physicists Say It’s Possible’ is causing queasiness amongst many in the world, especially those in a perpetual state of pot induced highness. Our intrepid…
Wall Street Banks’ Financial Dealings Stump the Lord Almighty
Dateline: NEW YORK—A cabal of Wall Street bankers runs a global crime syndicate that buys the regulators of their industry, rigs the rules of the market, and uses convoluted financial instruments and bogus mathematical models to siphon cash from the…
StrangleCorp’s HR VP Recalls Snowden as “So-So” Applicant
StrangleCorp Press–Dec 15, 2013–Recent investigations reveal that Edward Snowden once applied for employment at the ultra-secretive company StrangleCorp before being employed by the NSA. StrangleCorp’s VP of HR May Helm recalls interviewing Edward Snowden in early 2006 and finding him,…
Pope Francis Announces Closing of Church
The planet breathed a sigh of relief today as Pope Francis finally announced the official closing of the Catholic Church and End of All Christianity. In a largely unanticipated statement, Pope Francis once again departed from papal tradition when he…
Top Celebrities Pledge to Create Thousands of Entourage Jobs
Sid Weinstock, a savvy businessman from Los Angeles, has a list of some of the biggest names in the country who are each pledging to hire several new entourage members in an effort to create upwards of 100,000 new jobs…
Mega Millions to Exceed $200 Billion
After many months of no winner, the Mega Millions jackpot has now soared to over $200 billion, according to Mega Millions lead director Paula Otto. “Whoever wins this jackpot will be the richest person on Earth”, Otto stated. “they will…