Pope Francis Announces Closing of Church

The planet breathed a sigh of relief today as Pope Francis finally announced the official closing of the Catholic Church and End of All Christianity.

In a largely unanticipated statement, Pope Francis once again departed from papal tradition when he continued his recent trend of demonstrating a moderately sane perception of the states of society and religion in general and Christianity in particular by announcing that henceforth there shall be no Christianity whatsoever, as the act of worshipping had become so perverted throughout history as to warrant the abolition of such behaviors altogether.

“We really think it’s just time to hang ‘em up”, said the former His Holiness to a crowd of silently nodding faithful gathered at the Vatican on Tuesday.

“The pain caused is not worth any perceived benefit, which lately has seemed to be wishful thinking anyway. Enough is enough.”

While not specifically citing the numerous well-known acts of pedophilia, torture, and genocide committed by the Church throughout its history, Pope Francis did acknowledge that praying was “particularly pointless, counterproductive, and puts us at a distance from reality, which of course is undesirable regardless of faith”. Though a small gasp could be heard from the crowd as Pope Francis dropped the mic, turned his back on the crowd, and walked away, he exited to thunderous applause.

As news of the Pope’s announcement that the life of Christ “was a worthwhile study, but now it’s time to move on” spread across the globe, hundreds of millions of faithful immediately reverted to critically thinking rather than assuming they know, and skeptically examining and questioning the cosmos surrounding them of which they are a part.

At press time, God could not be reached for comment.

Meanwhile, in related news: Muslim leaders reassert their “God-given right to behead infidels”, and American Preachers brandish AR-15s from behind high fences, shouting self-contradictory phrases.


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