A lot of different communities have started a recycling program, commonly called “Cans for Kids.” The concept is to collect and recycle aluminum cans and have the proceeds go towards things such as children’s education.

Many of these programs have had a significant impact on education, providing college scholarships, funding arts programs and providing better quality education materials. Continue Reading

BRUSSELS – GlossyNews.com- Veggie Exporters Without Borders is appealing for calm over an E. coli outbreak that has Europeans fearing for their lives.

Now, even Russia, a country with few rules and regulations, has decided to slap a ban on vegetables from Spain and Germany, making exceptions only for the potato.

Germany is pressing to find the cause of this bacterial infection that has sickened thousands. With German anger mounting and the Fatherland on the hunt for one nation or group of people to blame, alarmists warn the E. coli outbreak could trigger a third World War.

Earlier in the week, Germany mistakenly blamed Spanish cucumbers for the E. coli outbreak, a move that outraged Spain. The German Agriculture Minister went as far as calling the Iberian gourds “low-calorie killers.”

Relations between Germany and Spain have remained sour ever since Spain beat Germany en route to winning the FIFA’s World Cup in 2010.

“Eat Your Vegetables?”

European child psychologists fear the E. coli outbreak’s long-term effects on children.

“Kids already hate vegetables and now they find out vegetables can kill you. Suddenly, a cucumber is a green missile – a salad, a toxic concoction of death,” says Dr. Helmut Krantz, the only person we could find to comment.

He believes certain children will grow into “malnourished mutants with low IQs, like ‘gypsies’” and then added something about his eugenics program.

Meantime, this particular E. coli strain has already put a strain on the Spanish tourism industry. Buñol’s world-renowned La Tomatina Festival in August has been cancelled, fearing it could quickly turn into the first ever E. coli Extravaganza.

BROOKLYN, NY—Police found the remains of a 9-day-old Matzo ball in a Park Slope apartment building after neighbors complained about a strong odor coming from 40J. “It was the undeniable smell of chicken broth and parsley,” describes a downstairs neighbor, who wishes to remain nameless due to troubles with the Matzahfia.

Apparently, the Matzo ball had been left in bowl of soup and forgotten about in the back of the refrigerator. Detective James Bellingham of the NYPD says there’s no telling how long the poor Matzo ball had been in there. Continue Reading

Harold Camping, whose prediction about the Rapture failed to materialize, has admitted using clues gleaned from the now canceled ABC series LOST to calculate the date. “I don’t know what went wrong,” he lamented, wiping the tears from his eyes with hundred dollar bills. “The clues were all there.  My math was right. I’m not sure exactly what the hell happened!” Continue Reading

Social unrest was spurred this week when the Tennessee politicians began to challenge the school board biology text book selection. Many conservative politicians believed that the book was very one sided and treated several theories as fact.

The conservative view point seems to stem from chapter 18: The Digestive System. In it there is a figure of a woman with an exposed digestive tract as an aid for understanding how the human body succeeds in the manufacture of feces.

The Christian right, which maintains that girls pooping is “only a theory” and cannot be supported by certain “historical texts,” was outraged that there was not another figure in which the female abdomen was filled with love for Jesus and abstinence until marriage.

In short, the problem arose from a lack of biblical references to girls pooping.

While passages such as “And the Son, of the Father, let loose an epic excrement and the odor of heaven rolled across the land inspiring the evil doers to beat their swords into plow shears…” and “Our Savior to show that he too was man lifted his robe and allowed a stream of brown and holy excretion to roll from his body, cleansing his mind and body…” have clearly made male poop an acceptable lesson, there is not one analogous reference for women.

In fact, the only biblical references to the hither aperture of a woman pertain strictly to what many have called “bone smuggling.”

Top level creation scientists have begun searching for definitive proof for the theory of Girl Pooping, but it has been slow going initially because no one in the Christian Scientific community is willing to admit witnessing a female squeeze out anything but a baby.

Unless proof can be provided by next school year, the Tennessee School Board has agreed to create a text book selection committee to draft a sticker to place inside the current books obscuring the original image.

New York – GlossyNews.com – According to informed sources the government has come up with an imaginative solution to the problem of invasive image scanning at airports.

Many travelers, especially women, have complained about the fact that the new scanning technology in effect showed them naked to the TSA screening attendant. And they have been equally unhappy about the alternative, being “patted-down.” Continue Reading

A new self-help book by previously unknown psychiatrist and author, Dom N. Adeur, Ph.D. is quickly making its way up the NY Times Bestseller List. It’s OK to Smack Your Inner Child has been hailed by Dr. Adeur’s peers as a ‘breakthrough book for adults who have nowhere else to turn but inside.’

Dr. Adeur explains that for too long, we’ve allowed our inner child to take control of our adult lives. In his book, Adeur often calls his inner child a “brat who needs a serious spanking.” Continue Reading

Jackson, MS- GlossyNews.com -Governor Haley Barbour of Mississippi announced today that the State of Mississippi now claims all rights to the use of “Mississippi” between any number while counting out loud.

In today’s press conference, the four-term governor said that the new copyright is not limited to “One Mississippi, Two Mississippi,” and so forth, but will include all integers as well as fractions. Continue Reading

Well, I had every good intention of giving the End of the World* my undivided attention.

Unfortunately, I had several things on my to do list that took precedence and, before I knew it, the day was upon me. Looked at my watch and it was half past midnight on the 21st of May.

Oh sure, I know I have until 6 p.m. to get something written about the world coming to an end today, but honestly, my day is pretty much packed with other stuff to do. Continue Reading

Tulsa, OK – GlossyNews.com – In one of the more bizarre cases of alleged medical malpractice in recent years, plastic surgeon Rolando Alverez performed a complete surgical rhinoplasty (nose job) on the wrong patient at St.Sebastian’s Hospital in Tulsa OK on July 19.

“It was my first 8 AM surgical procedure and I was maybe a little drowsy,” explains Alverez. “I saw a patient with a big bulbous nose on a table in the corridor all prepped and waiting for surgery. so I naturally assumed it was my eight o’clock and I had the orderly wheel him in.” Continue Reading

Deputy Secretary of Defense Scott Turlock spoke from the Pentagon this week to announce news that portends even more paradigm challenges for the United States military forces.

“Well we don’t know how he got there either. Our plate’s pretty full right now just trying to make the new gay policy happen. We’ve asked Congress for money to buy bigger plates, but that’s stuck in conference right now, so we messed up. I know it’s an honored tradition in the military since World War Two, there are no ‘atheists in foxholes’ but turns out there is one.” Continue Reading

Collegetown, Penn – GlossyNews.com – Penn State’s 75-year college reunion was disrupted Tuesday by the arrival of a horde of living dead from nearby Collegetown Cemetery. Based on cemetery dental records, all of the living dead who showed up at the reunion are believed to be bona fide graduates of the Penn State Class of ‘35. Continue Reading

Can’t find the right word? Stifled when the cretin ahead of you in the “Express Lane” is paying for a full shopping cart with a Ziploc of Canadian coins? You’re not alone. There’s a shortage shredding the very polyester fiber of this great land. We’ve run out of modifiers – you know – adjectives, adverbs, admonishers and condiments.

The shortage was recently apparent when Neil Diamond, a crotchety rock star whose “Cherry, Cherry” is now wildly popular in geriatrics wards and elevators alike, was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Continue Reading

For the second year in a row, the DEA has organized a drug take-back initiative event at 6 sites throughout New England to collect unused prescription medications from those residents who no longer want or need them.

Unfortunately, just like last year, the prescription medications showing up at the collection sites are just harmless, out-of-date, non-narcotic formulas, dropped off by concerned senior citizens happy to help their government out. Continue Reading

Stress is the number one mental problem plaguing society today. Stress can lead to obesity, anorexia, suicide, and color T.V. Did you know that there has been a 20% increase of stress-related spontaneous combustion in April 2011 due only to rumors of Whoopi Goldberg leaving The View? Continue Reading

Thanks to a wet and mild spring in the nation’s capital this year, a bumper crop of medical marijuana is expected in the White House garden. Tommy Chong, chief Japanese gardener, (no relation to that other Tommy Chong) claims the plants have started taking over the entire garden.

“This is the first year we decided to grow cannabis in the herb section of the garden,” says Chong “and it’s taking over the place. We’ve got some plants reaching the 2-foot height already and this is only May. Continue Reading