Author: A.M. Reyes
DISASTER: Just When You Thought 2020 Couldn’t Get Any Worse, Circus Peanut Butter
In a cruel twist of fate, Spangler Candy Company announced it would begin an all-out campaign of inhumane gustatory warfare upon the tastebuds of the American public with the release of their newest product, circus peanut butter. Made from semi-liquified…
Trump Reassures America of His Admiration of the Armed Forces by Starting a War with Iran
WASHINGTON, DC– Today, President Trump announced that he would declare war on the Islamic Republic of Iran in an effort to prove his dedication to and reverence of the US military, following accusations that he repeatedly maligning dead soldiers. Under…
Pleasant Quarantine Activities for When Lockdown Inevitably Pushes You to the Edge
2020’s quarantine season has revealed that there exist two types of individuals: those who have become ultra-productive, superhuman accomplishers during quarantine and human beings who don’t have access to gratuitous amounts of ketamine. While some remarkable individuals have cleaned their…
US Military Mounts Four-Pronged Offensive to Obliterate Water Wastage
WASHINTON D.C– Today, Secretary of the Department of Defense Mark Esper unveiled a strategic offensive to counteract the growing threat of excessive water usage. Sec. Esper noted that the US intelligence community have issued recent reports on the link between…
Delaware Senator Chris Coons CANCELLED over Racist Surname
SUSSEX COUNTY, DELAWARE– The junior senator from Delaware, Chris Coons, held a press conference to formally announce reconciliation with the new wave of racial justice protests surrounding his last name. Profusely apologizing to white people on social media, Sen. Coons…
A Majority of Americans Would Rather Repeatedly Shove Flaming Chopsticks in Their Ears than Hear the Words “President Howie”
HAMDEN, CT— Quinnipiac University released a poll early this morning showing that over 80% of Americans wouldn’t be comfortable with a President named Howie. The study, conducted in the wake of Howie Hawkins’ nomination as the Green Party’s candidate for…
Heartwarming: Devoted Amazon Customer Starts GoFundMe to Raise Money for Billionaire Adulterer After Market Crash
SEATTLE, WA— With tears welling up in his eyes, Seattle good Samaritan Jay Thompson poured out his heart, detailing his desire to help assist the world’s richest man after he lost a fraction of his immense wealth during the 2020…
Nation of Self-Obsessed Attention Hogs Whine About Sea Levels Rising Due to Climate Change
FUNAFUTI, TUVALU– After years of whining and moaning about possible ecological devastation and flooding which would render their entire country uninhabitable, little Tuvalu finally got its moment in the sun when the international press threw the petulant brats a handful…