Author: A.M. Reyes
Archeologists Announce that Newly Discovered Dead Sea Scroll Fragments Will be Released as a DLC Expansion Pack for $69.99
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL- The team of archeologists who discovered new Dead Sea Scroll fragments have launched the contents in the form of a DLC as a Bible expansion pack. “The holy scripture is 1700 years overdue for some new content,” a…
Clown Humiliated After Flower Blasts Him in the Face with Water
Local clown, Giggles, 48, was left sopping wet and thoroughly embarrassed after leaning over to smell a nearby daffodil and was promptly sprayed in the face with a stream of water during a circus act. Giggles, momentarily caught off guard,…
Teenager Honors Slavic Heritage By Commenting “cyka blyat” Underneath Every YouTube Video About Russia He Comes Across
MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA– Massachusetts teen, Charles Chadworth III, is keeping his familial heritage alive by commenting the phrase “cyka blyat” beneath every YouTube video about Russia he stumbles across. Chadworth told reporters that he developed a calling to get in…
BREAKING: Trump Social Media Blackout Reaches 100% As OnlyFans Issues The President LIFETIME BAN
Internet sex work giant, subscription service, and simp-haven OnlyFans has permanently banned President Trump from utilizing its website. In a statement released on January 9th, the company wrote, “In light of the recent railing of our precious democracy by rioters,…
CIA Worried Legal Marijuana and Drug Business May Cut Its Smuggling Profits
MCLEAN, VA– The CIA was seen in a state of deep anxiety, pacing the floor of The George Bush Center for Intelligence in a sweat-soaked shirt and unruly beard. This was the first time since the day after November 3rd’s…
DISASTER: Just When You Thought 2020 Couldn’t Get Any Worse, Circus Peanut Butter
In a cruel twist of fate, Spangler Candy Company announced it would begin an all-out campaign of inhumane gustatory warfare upon the tastebuds of the American public with the release of their newest product, circus peanut butter. Made from semi-liquified…
Trump Reassures America of His Admiration of the Armed Forces by Starting a War with Iran
WASHINGTON, DC– Today, President Trump announced that he would declare war on the Islamic Republic of Iran in an effort to prove his dedication to and reverence of the US military, following accusations that he repeatedly maligning dead soldiers. Under…
Pleasant Quarantine Activities for When Lockdown Inevitably Pushes You to the Edge
2020’s quarantine season has revealed that there exist two types of individuals: those who have become ultra-productive, superhuman accomplishers during quarantine and human beings who don’t have access to gratuitous amounts of ketamine. While some remarkable individuals have cleaned their…
US Military Mounts Four-Pronged Offensive to Obliterate Water Wastage
WASHINTON D.C– Today, Secretary of the Department of Defense Mark Esper unveiled a strategic offensive to counteract the growing threat of excessive water usage. Sec. Esper noted that the US intelligence community have issued recent reports on the link between…
Delaware Senator Chris Coons CANCELLED over Racist Surname
SUSSEX COUNTY, DELAWARE– The junior senator from Delaware, Chris Coons, held a press conference to formally announce reconciliation with the new wave of racial justice protests surrounding his last name. Profusely apologizing to white people on social media, Sen. Coons…