NOTE TO READER: Recently, I had the following email exchange from a troubled minister of the Lord. He begged me not to reveal his identity. I solemnly vowed to honor his anonymity.
His name is Reverend Jimmy Buttski from Swineberg, OH.
I am an ordained minister of the Christian religion. I’m writing so you can help me with my mind. It is filled with such dark thoughts.
Nobody understands that pastors are people, too. We eat, shit, eat more, shit again. We steal from the collection plate, fondle young people, masturbate around the clock.
You might know that Monday is pastor’s day off. On Monday mornings, our local clergy gather at a cabin located outside a sleepy Ohio town.
We meet to get buzzed on liquor, pot, crack, and LSD. We play strip poker, curse the Holy Ghost, and watch snuff flicks from Mexico.
All week we have been so good and patient. It makes us sick. Smiles for the old fucks inches from death who demand we sing the hymns of their youth like Jew Boy Jesus Was a Fag.
Those goddamn Sunday School brats, I say, round them up and take a flamethrower to them.
The Board of Elders with their petty criticisms and stupid ideas: I want to poison each one separately and record their death agonies.
I’ve been bottling these hideous desires inside me for over thirty years. Should I leave the ministry? Are you joking? I’m a middle-aged slab of pale white flesh – I’m not selling shoes for the rest of my life.
There is a guy in our group who has it worse than me. At least I work at a mainline church. My buddy Rev. Peter Foreskin runs a huge fundamentalist snake pit.
He has to teach the abortion-is-murder bullshit. He’s forced to extol Trump as a prophet sent by God. He must preach that Earth is only 6000 years old. Pastor Pete has considered blowing his brains out.
He insists on hiring prostitutes for our parties. Forget it, I said. We’d have to bus them in and God only knows what diseases they’re carrying.
Pete said, “I’ve been married to Mrs. Foreskin for 40 years and she absolutely refuses to suck my dick. I’m going to die without ever getting a blow job!”
I told him my daughter was a hooker but now she’s dead. He didn’t get the joke.
Like I said, pastors are people, too.