Archive | Science

FDA adds “homicidal rampage” warning to otherwise perfectly safe drug

FDA adds “homicidal rampage” warning to otherwise perfectly safe drug

Washington DC: The Food and Drug Administration has announced an immediate black box warning will be placed on it’s controversial anti-malarial drug, Lariam, also known as Mefloquine, due to its tendency to make patients attempt murder, suicide, genocide and partake in other equally crazy and disturbing behavior after taking it. Continue Reading

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Fukushima Scientists Dismiss Sightings Of Fire-Breathing Iguanadon

Fukushima Scientists Dismiss Sightings Of Fire-Breathing Iguanadon

A group of scientists at the Fukushima Nuclear Reactor have angrily denied recent sightings of a 700-foot fire-breathing iguanadon, though they refused to do so on-the-record, leading to further speculation that the monster is very much real.

Scientists at the lab say that the allegations are just a scare mongering tactic. These are also the same scientists who mong three-eyed fish and glowing ground vermin, so they’re testimony is necessarily tempered. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Video News0 Comments

Dog Patiently Explains Concept of Object Permanence to Dumbfounded Owner

Dog Patiently Explains Concept of Object Permanence to Dumbfounded Owner

SEATTLE — 49-Year-Old Dog “Mr. Truffles,” who clearly saw his owner, Linda Geohring, place his tennis ball behind her back, patiently broke down the concept of object permanence for the dumbfounded 46-year-old, sources reported.

“So, you understand, although I am currently unable to witness the ball’s existence, per se, because of your physical inhabitance of the space between my eyes and said object, I am nevertheless capable of grasping the paramount notion that it is still there,” said Truffles. Continue Reading

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Portland: Fluoride is the Least of Your Worries

Portland: Fluoride is the Least of Your Worries

In Portland, Oregon today, many citizens are worried about fluoride and its potential effects such that they have voted against its inclusion in their water supply four times in the last six decades. However, what Portlanders seem to be unaware of is the fact that fluoride seems fairly harmless in comparison to the range of chemicals ingested by humans on a daily basis. Continue reading>

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Posted in Health, Science12 Comments

NASA Locates 3 New Earth-like Planets That Could Theoretically Support Death

NASA Locates 3 New Earth-like Planets That Could Theoretically Support Death

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA — The NASA Program recently announced that their scientists have located three new Earth-like planets, each of which could theoretically support death.

According to NASA’s lead researcher Dr. Hans Von Gunn, “Using our Kepler satellite, we were able to track down a trio of planets not dissimilar to our own. Our hope is that some, if not all, of these planets may be able to support human life and, perhaps more importantly, our overwhelming desire to extinguish it at every chance we get.” Continue Reading

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How much do five hipsters weigh? (comic)

How much do five hipsters weigh? (comic)

It’s a non-sequitur from the word “don’t go,” but apparently it’s been asked, so we’ll address it. How much do five hipsters weigh?

Surely this is the pressing question of our time, and one that deserves front-page news attention, even though it’s just a setup for a series of jokes at the expense of hipsters… well, at least they’re not real people. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Science1 Comment

Why did the hipster boycott the solar eclipse? (comic)

Why did the hipster boycott the solar eclipse? (comic)

Kind of a hard thing to boycott, an act of nature such as that. I guess you can bury your head in the sand and just pretend it didn’t happen, but why would you? A question only a hipster could answer.

I boycott tampons. I don’t use them and I refuse to buy them. They’ll get none of my money… but a solar eclipse? What’s not to like about that? What’s even to debate about that? It either happens or it doesn’t, and it kind of does, boycott or no. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Science1 Comment

Origin of Everything Is Not Magical (comic)

Origin of Everything Is Not Magical (comic)

There’s a lot of magical thinking going on these days, especially in America… but what if I told you that there are some fairly natural, reasonably well understood mechanisms for just about everything that has brought life to where it is today?

Well that’s the world we live in. You won’t hear about it in church, it’s counter to their millenia-old Bedouin urban legends and fairy tales.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

I spent 20-years in Bible study. I never learned one thing about science. Once doubt crept in, I spent about 10-hours straight on this novel little thing called “the internet” and I learned more about the Bible than I had in my whole life. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Science9 Comments

The Ultimate Modern Humor Article

The Ultimate Modern Humor Article

Researchers at various humor think tanks and humor websites have been exhaustively searching for clues on how to adapt comic articles to our modern times.

With the increased dumbing down of the intellect imposed on the public by our schools, magazines and entertainment industry and the decreased attention span that comes with it, it has become increasingly difficult for the humor providers of this nation to give the masses their daily doses of ha-ha’s in a multi-paragraphed format that isn’t too strenuous for them. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science4 Comments

Evolutionary Scientists Injured in Freak Arboricultural Accident

Evolutionary Scientists Injured in Freak Arboricultural Accident

A group of evolutionary naturalists, anthropologists, and biologists were injured yesterday in what police are officially calling “an unfortunate and unnecessary accident”.

According to eyewitnesses, hundreds of members of the Royal Society went on their daily tree-trimming expedition and somehow, during the course of their work, ended up on the ground in a most precipitous and unceremonious manner.

A few relativists, who had also been injured in an eerily similar situation last year, commented on the event. Continue Reading

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Hawking Enlists David Copperfield to Demonstrate “Spontaneous Creation”

Hawking Enlists David Copperfield to Demonstrate “Spontaneous Creation”

Hawking: Spontaneous Creation is the Reason Something is Here Rather than Nothing.

World-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking, best known for his accessible books on the fundamental questions we all face, recently published his latest findings on a cosmological concept he calls “spontaneous creation”.

According to Hawking and many of his peers, this new evidence would not only substantiate the controversial claim, but signify a new chapter in both the annals of modern science and the way we view the world. Continue Reading

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Science on God: Inference to Any Other Explanation the Best

Science on God: Inference to Any Other Explanation the Best

Men like Stephen Hawking have helped introduce us to Science all over again and men like Richard Dawkins have helped us learn to appreciate its grandness and wonder anew.

They’ve taught us to embrace skepticism in our pursuit of truth and question everything (except Evolution, of course) on this road of scientific inquiry. And whenever the clear path of evidence and logic is obstructed, imagination (as long as it’s not religious) will do. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science3 Comments

Iranian Space Monkey Main Course At Celebration Banquet

Iranian Space Monkey Main Course At Celebration Banquet

Cultural differences took front row this week when the monkey that made Iranian history by being the first living creature that they had successfully propelled into space and back was eaten at the post flight victory celebration.

After a lengthy and confusing speech by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a medal of honor was placed around the monkeys neck and he was quickly submerged into a boiling pot of oil. Continue Reading

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Evolution Wins Prestigious Overachievement Award

Evolution Wins Prestigious Overachievement Award

Last week, the Humboldt Overachiever Award for Science and the Humanities was given to none other than The Theory of Evolution—and Dr. Richard Dawkins was there to receive the prize in its stead.

“In the face of impossible odds,” Dr. Dawkins began his speech to the international forum, “Evolution has not only given us a beautiful and remarkable planet on which life can be sustained, it’s also given us ourselves!—wonderfully complex, sentient beings built on replicated code far more advanced than any of today’s modern computers.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Science & Technologizzy4 Comments

Scientists: Newton, Galileo Psychotic—Textbook Recall Likely

Scientists: Newton, Galileo Psychotic—Textbook Recall Likely

A group of 142 leading scientists and psychiatrists have published an open letter to the world, revealing their conclusions on scientists of years’ past—most notably Isaac Newton and Galileo Galilei.

The contributors, almost all of them members of the National Academy of Sciences or The Royal Society, wrote the letter “in the defense of reason”—to deal with the troubling implications of such men and women devoted to science and equally devoted to the notion of a Creator. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Science & Technologizzy3 Comments

Study Reveals Disturbing Levels of Inbreeding Among Santa’s Elves

Study Reveals Disturbing Levels of Inbreeding Among Santa’s Elves

A new study published today in The Journal of Humanoid Genetics reveals high levels of inbreeding among Santa’s famous toy making elves.

Analysis of DNA microsatellites obtained from blood samples taken from several hundred randomly chosen North Pole elves resulted in an estimated coefficient of relationship of approximately 14%. First cousins, for comparison, have a coefficient of relationship of 12.5%. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Science & Technologizzy3 Comments

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