NASA Locates 3 New Earth-like Planets That Could Theoretically Support Death

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA — The NASA Program recently announced that their scientists have located three new Earth-like planets, each of which could theoretically support death.

According to NASA’s lead researcher Dr. Hans Von Gunn, “Using our Kepler satellite, we were able to track down a trio of planets not dissimilar to our own. Our hope is that some, if not all, of these planets may be able to support human life and, perhaps more importantly, our overwhelming desire to extinguish it at every chance we get.” Read more NASA Locates 3 New Earth-like Planets That Could Theoretically Support Death


How much do five hipsters weigh? (comic)

It’s a non-sequitur from the word “don’t go,” but apparently it’s been asked, so we’ll address it. How much do five hipsters weigh?

Surely this is the pressing question of our time, and one that deserves front-page news attention, even though it’s just a setup for a series of jokes at the expense of hipsters… well, at least they’re not real people. Read more How much do five hipsters weigh? (comic)


Why did the hipster boycott the solar eclipse? (comic)

Kind of a hard thing to boycott, an act of nature such as that. I guess you can bury your head in the sand and just pretend it didn’t happen, but why would you? A question only a hipster could answer.

I boycott tampons. I don’t use them and I refuse to buy them. They’ll get none of my money… but a solar eclipse? What’s not to like about that? What’s even to debate about that? It either happens or it doesn’t, and it kind of does, boycott or no. Read more Why did the hipster boycott the solar eclipse? (comic)


Origin of Everything Is Not Magical (comic)

There’s a lot of magical thinking going on these days, especially in America… but what if I told you that there are some fairly natural, reasonably well understood mechanisms for just about everything that has brought life to where it is today?

Well that’s the world we live in. You won’t hear about it in church, it’s counter to their millenia-old Bedouin urban legends and fairy tales.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

I spent 20-years in Bible study. I never learned one thing about science. Once doubt crept in, I spent about 10-hours straight on this novel little thing called “the internet” and I learned more about the Bible than I had in my whole life. Read more Origin of Everything Is Not Magical (comic)


The Ultimate Modern Humor Article

Researchers at various humor think tanks and humor websites have been exhaustively searching for clues on how to adapt comic articles to our modern times.

With the increased dumbing down of the intellect imposed on the public by our schools, magazines and entertainment industry and the decreased attention span that comes with it, it has become increasingly difficult for the humor providers of this nation to give the masses their daily doses of ha-ha’s in a multi-paragraphed format that isn’t too strenuous for them. Read more The Ultimate Modern Humor Article


Evolutionary Scientists Injured in Freak Arboricultural Accident

A group of evolutionary naturalists, anthropologists, and biologists were injured yesterday in what police are officially calling “an unfortunate and unnecessary accident”.

According to eyewitnesses, hundreds of members of the Royal Society went on their daily tree-trimming expedition and somehow, during the course of their work, ended up on the ground in a most precipitous and unceremonious manner.

A few relativists, who had also been injured in an eerily similar situation last year, commented on the event. Read more Evolutionary Scientists Injured in Freak Arboricultural Accident


Hawking Enlists David Copperfield to Demonstrate “Spontaneous Creation”

Hawking: Spontaneous Creation is the Reason Something is Here Rather than Nothing.

World-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking, best known for his accessible books on the fundamental questions we all face, recently published his latest findings on a cosmological concept he calls “spontaneous creation”.

According to Hawking and many of his peers, this new evidence would not only substantiate the controversial claim, but signify a new chapter in both the annals of modern science and the way we view the world. Read more Hawking Enlists David Copperfield to Demonstrate “Spontaneous Creation”


Science on God: Inference to Any Other Explanation the Best

Men like Stephen Hawking have helped introduce us to Science all over again and men like Richard Dawkins have helped us learn to appreciate its grandness and wonder anew.

They’ve taught us to embrace skepticism in our pursuit of truth and question everything (except Evolution, of course) on this road of scientific inquiry. And whenever the clear path of evidence and logic is obstructed, imagination (as long as it’s not religious) will do. Read more Science on God: Inference to Any Other Explanation the Best


Iranian Space Monkey Main Course At Celebration Banquet

Cultural differences took front row this week when the monkey that made Iranian history by being the first living creature that they had successfully propelled into space and back was eaten at the post flight victory celebration.

After a lengthy and confusing speech by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a medal of honor was placed around the monkeys neck and he was quickly submerged into a boiling pot of oil. Read more Iranian Space Monkey Main Course At Celebration Banquet


Evolution Wins Prestigious Overachievement Award

Last week, the Humboldt Overachiever Award for Science and the Humanities was given to none other than The Theory of Evolution—and Dr. Richard Dawkins was there to receive the prize in its stead.

“In the face of impossible odds,” Dr. Dawkins began his speech to the international forum, “Evolution has not only given us a beautiful and remarkable planet on which life can be sustained, it’s also given us ourselves!—wonderfully complex, sentient beings built on replicated code far more advanced than any of today’s modern computers.” Read more Evolution Wins Prestigious Overachievement Award


Scientists: Newton, Galileo Psychotic—Textbook Recall Likely

A group of 142 leading scientists and psychiatrists have published an open letter to the world, revealing their conclusions on scientists of years’ past—most notably Isaac Newton and Galileo Galilei.

The contributors, almost all of them members of the National Academy of Sciences or The Royal Society, wrote the letter “in the defense of reason”—to deal with the troubling implications of such men and women devoted to science and equally devoted to the notion of a Creator. Read more Scientists: Newton, Galileo Psychotic—Textbook Recall Likely


Study Reveals Disturbing Levels of Inbreeding Among Santa’s Elves

A new study published today in The Journal of Humanoid Genetics reveals high levels of inbreeding among Santa’s famous toy making elves.

Analysis of DNA microsatellites obtained from blood samples taken from several hundred randomly chosen North Pole elves resulted in an estimated coefficient of relationship of approximately 14%. First cousins, for comparison, have a coefficient of relationship of 12.5%. Read more Study Reveals Disturbing Levels of Inbreeding Among Santa’s Elves


Scientists Declare 3,000 YO Andean Mummy “Total Hottie”

Researchers from Oregon State University announced that virtual facial reconstruction of a 3,000 year old Andean mummy revealed, “She was totally hot”.

Using the latest in digital imaging technology, “the team has concluded that she was at least an 8, maybe even a 9” the lead archeologist on the project, Dr. Brian Bryant announced this morning. “The findings are particularly surprising given that most mummies are lucky if they’re a 5, maybe a 6, tops.” Read more Scientists Declare 3,000 YO Andean Mummy “Total Hottie”


A.D.A. Gaydar Fingers Fluoridation

CHICAGO – The American Dental Association today announced a reversal of its longstanding position on municipal water fluoridation. For over 65 years, fluoride has been recognized by the ADA as an effective prophylactic in the fight against cavities.

But recent research may have identified an alarming side effect associated with using such a substance in drinking water systems. Read more A.D.A. Gaydar Fingers Fluoridation


Smells Good Enough Not To Eat

A study carried out by the US government has, today, published findings that show although perfume smells great, it, in fact, tastes disgusting.

Research, that took over 17 years to complete, shows that of the 6,789 participants only 1.2% felt that perfume tasted nice.

Dr Handel, who was one of the major contributors to the project, said: “After years of study and hard work we can finally conclude that perfume tastes bad.” Read more Smells Good Enough Not To Eat


Red Bull Skydiving Stunt Ends In Tragedy

Today over the desert of New Mexico, a stunt sponsored by the Red Bull energy drink company ended in tragedy.

The attempt to set the highest skydive by a human went terribly wrong when skydiver Felix Baumgartner mistakenly launched his body towards space instead of earth.

It is unknown if when Felix reached that area of the atmosphere that separates earth from space he became confused, or if he was just trying to get a few extra feet in to prevent an immediate challenge to the record from another manufacturer of bogus performance enhancement products. Read more Red Bull Skydiving Stunt Ends In Tragedy


Telescope Spots Human Remains on Moon’s Surface

Houston, TX – (

NASA Scientists released information, along with a Top Secret report, which addresses the recent Hubble telescope discovery of human remains spotted on the surface of the Earth’s moon.

The desiccated figure, reportedly dressed in what appears to be a cotton house dress, was discovered last March by the powerful Hubble space telescope during a routine scan of the lunar surface. Read more Telescope Spots Human Remains on Moon’s Surface


NASA Discovers They Left an Astronaut Behind on the Moon After Historic First Landing

Ironically coincidental with the demise of the man who first walked on the moon, NASA has discovered that it had forgotten an astronaut on the moon. In fact, it appears that he was left at the time of Apollo 11’s historic milestone.

NASA astronomers have identified the silver ‘lump’ lying near the still visible marks of the first moon probe as “Melvin, the 4th astronaut.”

Apparently he had been secreted aboard the spacecraft and kept undercover in case one of the others made an ass out of himself during the highly televised event. With the heavy suit and space helmet no one would be able to distinguish him from the other astronauts.

Had Armstong taken a whiz on the moon’s surface or Aldrin mooned the camera, Melvin would have been edited in to replace them. It appears that he exited the craft after Armstong, but was intentionally kept out of camera view. After the mission, his presence was neglected as they returned to earth.

It was imagined that he died an unpleasant death, as researchers can make out with advanced telescopes that he spelled out “You God-damned assho….” in the moon dirt before he croaked. It is believed he was trying to write “assistants,” but misspelled it as his oxygen ran low.

Melvin, his body now thoroughly dehydrated by the dry lunar atmosphere, will be left where he is as it would be too expensive to bring him back. When asked about why he was left behind, astronaut Aldrin, now in his 80’s said “Apollo what? Where? What do you mean by ‘moon?'” Astronaut Armstong, then aged 80, said nothing, but had a very self satisfied smile on his face afterwards.

Some conspiracy theorists believe that Melvin was intentionally left behind because the others did not want to share the glory with him. There has been talk that it was actually Melvin who first stepped out on the moon and said, “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Re-listening to the tapes of the moon walk, Armstrong can be heard to say afterwards, “Damn it! I had dibs for going out first, you jerk!” then the sounds of a heavy-breathed fight that was apparently edited out of the film.