Categorized | Human Interest, Science

Long Lost Photo Reveals Titanic Hit a Wahlberg

Long Lost Photo Reveals Titanic Hit a Wahlberg

NEW YORK CITY – A shocking revelation was made this week when a photograph uncovered in the corner of a dusty attic changed the history behind a catastrophic event that took place on the night of April 14th into the morning of April 15th in 1912.

For more than 103 years, it was common knowledge that the large vessel carrying 2,224 passengers and crew had collided with a large iceberg approximately 375 miles (600 km) south of Newfoundland, causing the ship’s hull plates to buckle inwards along the starboard side and allowing water to flow in gradually from the Atlantic Ocean.

However, this historic tale was slightly altered when the daughter of a deceased photographer, who worked for the New York American newspaper at the time, unearthed one of her father’s images that was never printed.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes!” Said 85-year-old Lorraine Singleslice after finding the picture behind some hidden paneling in the attic of the house her family has owned for close to 115 years. “All this time we were under the impression that an iceberg sank the unsinkable, when the truth is, a Wahlberg caused the sinking,” Singleslice added.

According to notes on the back of the picture, Paul Singleslice was 22 when he took the photograph on an undercover mission to be the first American newspaper to catch the Titanic before it reached the United States.

“I and three other men set out on a four day journey to catch the unsinkable ship, only to stumble on one of America’s greatest cover-ups…By the time we arrived back to the states, news of the ship’s sinking had already spread like wildfire before we had a chance to reveal the truth. We all knew it was better the public did not know what really happened on that fateful night involving a Wahlberg.” Paul Singleslice wrote in a note dated April 22, 1912.

After receiving the news, researchers were able to compare underwater pictures of the wreck with the facial dimensions of the entire Wahlberg family and concluded that Mark Wahlberg was indeed the culprit behind the wreck.

“It was a perfect match!” Said oceanic photograph analyst, Heinrich T. Heimichschlopper, after successfully lining up several distinct facial markings of the former model and rapper with the 103-year-old luxury liner. “The bulk of the damage was caused by Mr. Wahlberg’s protruding nose and sharp hairline,” Heimichschlopper added.

In light of the new evidence, several documentaries are currently being filmed and are expected to air by the end of next week. There are no living survivors left from the shipwreck with the last person passing away in 2009, but those with connections to the passengers and crew were relieved to finally know the truth behind this epic tragedy.

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One Response to “Long Lost Photo Reveals Titanic Hit a Wahlberg”

  1. Mr TM says:

    Good, but still not convinced. Actually it was the Bermuda triangle, except the so-called “Bermuda triangle” isn’t actually in Bermuda, because Paddy Bermuda had his identity stolen by Buffy Bardados, purely because he was jealous of Hurricane Pip managing to successfully pose as Hurricane Giselle-Boobie Walf Whistler for decades, and wanted to get in on the act as well…

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