Bread Bath & Beyond Unearths Ancient Toy in Corporate Warehouse

Bread Bath & Beyond Unearths Ancient Toy in Corporate Warehouse

Union, New Jersey – Chief Inventory Specialist, Brandon Pitabeard of Bread Bath & Beyond’s corporate headquarters made an astonishing discovery Monday morning when he found a toy dating back to the era when Olive Garden’s roamed the earth, more than 226 days ago.

Pitabeard found the antiquated toy, while extracting the store’s seasonal supply of Kim Kardashian Khristmas trees from the corporate warehouse, featuring an extra large base and a picture of her and ex-husband Kris Humphries on the top.

“I feel like an archaeologist!” Pitabeard told Time Magazine reporters about his scientific discovery. “I’ve learned more than I could ever imagine about the last days of the Olive Garden, prior to when it became extinct,” Pitabeard added, while holding his find up for a photo.

The toy, a stuffed Raphael doll from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is thought to have been designed in an attempt to save the Olive Garden as it features a twin breadstick set as weapons instead of the normal sais and recites one of six phrases relating to the Olive Garden when squeezed.

President of the National Breadstick Association (N.B.A.), Lindsay Bahkedfriesh, voiced her opinion on the historic finding. “This discovery gives us the opportunity to go back in time to see exactly what features of the Olive Garden ultimately caused its demise. Charles Darwin and Herbert Spencer termed it perfectly as survival of the tastiest.”

Scientists have been carefully analyzing the pre-recorded phrases in an attempt to learn more about the evolutionary restaurant cycle, especially the “Only ask for more breadsticks if you plan on eating them,” saying as researchers believe the breadstick, an item that once came complimentary with the order of any entrée or as part of the soup and salad lunch option, ultimately caused the restaurant’s demise.

The doll has been donated to the Museum of Natural History in Washington, D.C., for further analysis and to be put on display so that the entire world can see the history behind one of the world’s most unique creatures.


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3 Responses to “Bread Bath & Beyond Unearths Ancient Toy in Corporate Warehouse”

  1. This is one of the funniest and most retro of all the stories that you've written. A lot of readers are going to enjoy this and Keeping up with the Kardashians.

  2. Harve Mann says:

    Another funny one from a great humorist!

  3. Lindsay Bahkedfriesh says:

    The Association appreciates the support of your site as we pride ourselves on keeping the cause going so that future generations will learn the importance of supporting the earth’s endangered species. Thank you from the bottom of our baskets!


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