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Scientists Discover Modern World “May Be Bad For You”

Scientists Discover Modern World “May Be Bad For You”

A recent scientific discovery claims that modern conveniences are having negative side-effects on the mental and bodily health of many first-world inhabitants.

Scientists from around the globe report today that modern conveniences, such as the luxury of remaining stationary and sitting on your ass at home; sitting on your ass at work; sitting on your ass at a bar, a restaurant, at school, or at game; taking a break from being stationary and sitting on your ass in a motor vehicle; or sitting on your ass while defecating may all actually have many potential negative consequences—with the most common cases resulting in obesity or depression due to a lack of stimulation. Continue Reading

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Ten Year Government Study Concludes People Like Beaches

Ten Year Government Study Concludes People Like Beaches

Amity Island, FL – A recently completed government financed study of people’s weekend and holiday habits has concluded that people like beaches.

“We weren’t sure why people were going to the seashore.” said lead research scientist Phil Pockets. “Was it something encoded in our DNA? Did people feel socially obligated to build sand castles and sing songs while roasting marshmallows around a bonfire? Nobody knew.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Science3 Comments

Punxsutawney Phil Delegates Groundhogging Duties to Maringouin Mike

Punxsutawney Phil Delegates Groundhogging Duties to Maringouin Mike

Citing career fatigue and the desire to sleep in on Super Bowl Sunday, Punxsutawney Phil announced today he will delegate his annual weather prognostication to longtime Louisiana business associate Maringouin Mike.

“I’m proud to announce that Maringouin Mike will take center stage this year. Mike has many years experience in predicting weather patterns based on nothing more than the visibility of his own shadow. Let’s all join me in welcoming Mike back to this annual pagan ritual. And don’t wake me up on Sunday!” announced Phil from a pre-written statement before ducking back into his hole. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Strange People0 Comments

Theory Universe Just A Hologram “Really Messes With Peoples Heads”

Theory Universe Just A Hologram “Really Messes With Peoples Heads”

An article in the Huffington Post (Science section, Dec. 12) titled ‘Is The Universe A Hologram? Physicists Say It’s Possible’ is causing queasiness amongst many in the world, especially those in a perpetual state of pot induced highness.

Our intrepid reporter went on the scene to find the reactions to this revelation amongst space travelers of another sort.

“Wow, man, that is just too much!” stated James Harbrush, trying hard to focus his dilated eyes on the microphone I had before his face. “Is that thing a gerbil?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Science2 Comments

Sheldon- The Gold Standard For Geekdom

Sheldon- The Gold Standard For Geekdom

Words alone cannot describe the wonderfulness of Sheldon Cooper.

The main star of the television series ‘The Big Bang Theory’ has set the new bar high for all those nerdists who will surely follow in his footsteps hereafter.

He is the penultimate geek, the very pinnacle of nerdism that is humanly possible outside of becoming a cyborg. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Television12 Comments

WWII-Era Sub Found At 7-Eleven

WWII-Era Sub Found At 7-Eleven

O’AHU, HAWAII — Researchers in Hawaii have uncovered a World War II-era submarine sandwich inside the island’s only 7-Eleven store location.

The sub, known in the early 1940s as a “Spam-n-Depression Special” is made up of mostly Spam, lettuce and iron ore.

RIGHT: An historical photograph of a similar sandwich in its prime, ca. 1941. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Continue Reading

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Posted in Science4 Comments

Yuppies Demand That Science Classify Themselves Seperate Species

Yuppies Demand That Science Classify Themselves Seperate Species

Yuppies, those demi-gods who live amongst us mere mortals do have a hard go of it. They, by their very existence, are refined creatures so much better than you or I who are mere mortals suckling the earth for survival.

We, the minions who have to go out every day to earn their salt doing those awful jobs to survive and to keep society going are obvious not cut from the same cloth as these modern wonders of refinement, enriched mentalities and superior careers. Continue Reading

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Study: Looking at Spider Images Dramatically Increases Likelihood of Spider Encounter

Study: Looking at Spider Images Dramatically Increases Likelihood of Spider Encounter

ATLANTA, GA—Researchers at Georgia State University have found conclusive evidence that each time an individual looks at any image depicting a spider, the odds of one being nearby and currently approaching them “just skyrocket.” Continue Reading

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Laying Off Researchers a Bad Idea, Confirm Researchers

Laying Off Researchers a Bad Idea, Confirm Researchers

WASHINGTON—Amid news that federal budget cuts are set to cause a number of additional layoffs in the fields of research and science, several reports surfaced asserting that such cuts are “really not a good idea” and to “not do that.”

After it was made known that many researchers will lose their jobs at institutions such as Arkansas State University and the University of Chicago, a torrent of studies began to appear as evidence that this is, in fact, a poor decision that should be reconsidered. Continue Reading

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Evidence of Life Discovered on Surface of Marsh

Evidence of Life Discovered on Surface of Marsh

ANDERSON – In what has become a sensational development, sources today confirmed the discovery of life on the surface of Marsh – the Indianapolis-based food retail store.

It was previously believed that life could not flourish on the store’s floor, but recent studies have unearthed a plethora of biped-like creatures roaming the surface looking for food. Continue Reading

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FDA adds “homicidal rampage” warning to otherwise perfectly safe drug

FDA adds “homicidal rampage” warning to otherwise perfectly safe drug

Washington DC: The Food and Drug Administration has announced an immediate black box warning will be placed on it’s controversial anti-malarial drug, Lariam, also known as Mefloquine, due to its tendency to make patients attempt murder, suicide, genocide and partake in other equally crazy and disturbing behavior after taking it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Science1 Comment

Fukushima Scientists Dismiss Sightings Of Fire-Breathing Iguanadon

Fukushima Scientists Dismiss Sightings Of Fire-Breathing Iguanadon

A group of scientists at the Fukushima Nuclear Reactor have angrily denied recent sightings of a 700-foot fire-breathing iguanadon, though they refused to do so on-the-record, leading to further speculation that the monster is very much real.

Scientists at the lab say that the allegations are just a scare mongering tactic. These are also the same scientists who mong three-eyed fish and glowing ground vermin, so they’re testimony is necessarily tempered. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Video News0 Comments

Dog Patiently Explains Concept of Object Permanence to Dumbfounded Owner

Dog Patiently Explains Concept of Object Permanence to Dumbfounded Owner

SEATTLE — 49-Year-Old Dog “Mr. Truffles,” who clearly saw his owner, Linda Geohring, place his tennis ball behind her back, patiently broke down the concept of object permanence for the dumbfounded 46-year-old, sources reported.

“So, you understand, although I am currently unable to witness the ball’s existence, per se, because of your physical inhabitance of the space between my eyes and said object, I am nevertheless capable of grasping the paramount notion that it is still there,” said Truffles. Continue Reading

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Portland: Fluoride is the Least of Your Worries!

Portland: Fluoride is the Least of Your Worries!

In Portland, Oregon today, many citizens are worried about fluoride and its potential effects such that they have voted against its inclusion in their water supply four times in the last six decades. However, what Portlanders seem to be unaware of is the fact that fluoride seems fairly harmless in comparison to the range of chemicals ingested by humans on a daily basis. Continue reading>

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Posted in Health, Science12 Comments

NASA Locates 3 New Earth-like Planets That Could Theoretically Support Death

NASA Locates 3 New Earth-like Planets That Could Theoretically Support Death

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA — The NASA Program recently announced that their scientists have located three new Earth-like planets, each of which could theoretically support death.

According to NASA’s lead researcher Dr. Hans Von Gunn, “Using our Kepler satellite, we were able to track down a trio of planets not dissimilar to our own. Our hope is that some, if not all, of these planets may be able to support human life and, perhaps more importantly, our overwhelming desire to extinguish it at every chance we get.” Continue Reading

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How much do five hipsters weigh? (comic)

How much do five hipsters weigh? (comic)

It’s a non-sequitur from the word “don’t go,” but apparently it’s been asked, so we’ll address it. How much do five hipsters weigh?

Surely this is the pressing question of our time, and one that deserves front-page news attention, even though it’s just a setup for a series of jokes at the expense of hipsters… well, at least they’re not real people. Continue Reading

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Posted in Comics, Science1 Comment

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