The Size of One’s Vehicle is Directly Proportional to the Size of Genitalia
A new study conducted by the National Research Panel has concluded that men who drive large trucks, SUVs, and automobiles have smaller genitalia than men who drive small to medium sized vehicles.
The study, conducted on 350 males nationwide, lasted for three months. For the purpose of the study, the national average genitalia scaled in at 5 1/2 inches.
Those men who measured less than the 5 1/2 inch mark were twice as likely to drive a Hummer, and five times as likely to drive a four wheel drive truck or over-sized car while those men measuring 5 1/2 inches or above tended to prefer small to mid-sized vehicles, including hybrids and rice burners.
The study has caused quite a stir among frat clubs, stag bars, congress, and every other male dominated boys club in our current society. The study’s conclusions have been criticized and disputed for a number of reasons, including allegations that the room where measuring took place was kept at a cooler temperature for those who drive big automobiles.
The study also didn’t verify the size of the men’s genitalia before research began, leading some to believe that many men initially exaggerated on their questionnaires about their own size.
And some self professed 9-inchers claim that the researchers measuring them were reading the tape upside down, thereby robbing them of three inches of very important manhood.
The study’s conclusions has its supporters as well, including most feminists, environmentalists, and ex-girlfriends of the men involved in the study. One of the latter summed up her ex boyfriend with the comment, “Obviously he drives a Hummer because he can’t get one at home.”
Scientists involved in the study believe that smaller sized men see their large automobiles as an extension of their penis rather than as compensation for a small penis. In the control group questionnaires, some smaller sized men even commented that both their penis and vehicle shared the same nickname.
“I’m unconvinced that my preference for the Chevy Silverado has anything to do with my 3 1/2 inch penis,” said one Broken Springs, MI man who participated in the study. “In fact,” he added, “Who’s to say that I wasn’t better endowed before I started driving my gas gulping monster?”
Medical experts admit that the anonymous Broken Springs man may have a point. The undersized group studied may suffer from Shrinking Appendage Syndrome, an epidemic running rampant in today’s society, according to mostly an all female medical profession.
Shrinking Appendage Syndrome, or SAS, according to the Women’s Health website, can be caused by a number of things, including watching too much pornography, leaving the toilet seat up, and channel surfing.
Scientists have decided against creating a vaccine for the disease because Jenny McCarthy has already told society that it may cause autism. So methods are now being tested on how to prevent the condition instead. Could driving large automobiles also cause the disease?
The National Research Panel’s Dr. Ima Cummings thinks so. She theorizes that the legroom offered by larger vehicles may actually be detrimental to the size of the driver’s manhood.
Small vehicles with less leg room cause the blood to flow upward from the legs to the penis, thereby causing it to expand more than if one’s legs were outstretched. “This means that a man crawling out of a Madza Miata, for example, is on average two inches longer than his Chevy Blazer driving brother,” the doctor explained.
Meanwhile male medical experts have all but disproved the existence of Shrinking Appendage Syndrome. As one male doctor said, “It’s not that the size of male genitalia has shrunk so much as female expectations in current society have inflated.”
Another interesting facet to the National Research Panel’s study is that smaller men have less gas, literally. Because average to large sized men prefer small, more economy friendly cars and trucks, which generally get 20+ mpg, not only are their penises bigger but so too are their wallets.
Meanwhile, smaller men driving large vehicles can always take comfort in the face that their dependence on foreign oil is contributing largely to the ever important Middle Eastern economy.