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Telescope Spots Human Remains on Moon’s Surface

Telescope Spots Human Remains on Moon’s Surface

Houston, TX – (SatireWorld.com)

NASA Scientists released information, along with a Top Secret report, which addresses the recent Hubble telescope discovery of human remains spotted on the surface of the Earth’s moon.

The desiccated figure, reportedly dressed in what appears to be a cotton house dress, was discovered last March by the powerful Hubble space telescope during a routine scan of the lunar surface. Continue Reading

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NASA Discovers They Left an Astronaut Behind on the Moon After Historic First Landing

NASA Discovers They Left an Astronaut Behind on the Moon After Historic First Landing

Ironically coincidental with the demise of the man who first walked on the moon, NASA has discovered that it had forgotten an astronaut on the moon. In fact, it appears that he was left at the time of Apollo 11’s historic milestone.

NASA astronomers have identified the silver ‘lump’ lying near the still visible marks of the first moon probe as “Melvin, the 4th astronaut.”

Apparently he had been secreted aboard the spacecraft and kept undercover in case one of the others made an ass out of himself during the highly televised event. With the heavy suit and space helmet no one would be able to distinguish him from the other astronauts.

Had Armstong taken a whiz on the moon’s surface or Aldrin mooned the camera, Melvin would have been edited in to replace them. It appears that he exited the craft after Armstong, but was intentionally kept out of camera view. After the mission, his presence was neglected as they returned to earth.

It was imagined that he died an unpleasant death, as researchers can make out with advanced telescopes that he spelled out “You God-damned assho….” in the moon dirt before he croaked. It is believed he was trying to write “assistants,” but misspelled it as his oxygen ran low.

Melvin, his body now thoroughly dehydrated by the dry lunar atmosphere, will be left where he is as it would be too expensive to bring him back. When asked about why he was left behind, astronaut Aldrin, now in his 80’s said “Apollo what? Where? What do you mean by ‘moon?'” Astronaut Armstong, then aged 80, said nothing, but had a very self satisfied smile on his face afterwards.

Some conspiracy theorists believe that Melvin was intentionally left behind because the others did not want to share the glory with him. There has been talk that it was actually Melvin who first stepped out on the moon and said, “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Re-listening to the tapes of the moon walk, Armstrong can be heard to say afterwards, “Damn it! I had dibs for going out first, you jerk!” then the sounds of a heavy-breathed fight that was apparently edited out of the film.

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Mars Rover Curiosity Discovers Triboob

Mars Rover Curiosity Discovers Triboob

Excited NASA staff make plans for a manned mission to Mars after the Mars rover returned its first series of results.

It took 8 months to get there and a further 2 weeks to find anything of importance, but at last the Mars Rover has finally found something even the general populace will be interested in.

When preparing to blast rocks for sampling, the rover, Curiosity, came across a perfectly formed skeleton of a three-breasted female. Continue Reading

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Curiosity Killed the Rover

Curiosity Killed the Rover

GALE CRATER, MARS – The Curiosity Rover died yesterday while chasing an unidentified particle on Mars, the National Aeronautic and Space Agency reported at a press conference this morning.

Physicists have not yet classified the particle that killed Curiosity, but three photos NASA received shortly before her death may hold clues.

“According to our one-megapixel photos, Curiosity was last seen chasing a particle that appeared to be slightly smaller than a boson and somewhat structured like a buckminsterfullerene,” said Lead Nuclear Physicist David Horton. “Frankly, we believe she tripped and fell off Mars.” Continue Reading

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Martian Emperor: Hands off Our Water

Martian Emperor: Hands off Our Water

MARTIAN EQUATOR – Following the successful landing of NASA’s Mars Rover early this morning, the President of Mars has released a statement to Earth’s leaders, insisting: “hands off our water or there will be consequences.”

Speaking today from the planet’s equator – some 270 miles away from where Curiosity landed Monday – Emperor Pyomdix Wuppa III said any encroachment on Mars’s water supply – or indeed its life forms – would “constitute a direct violation of intergalactic law.” Continue Reading

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Leaked Torture Study Truly Unbelievable

Leaked Torture Study Truly Unbelievable

What follows is an excerpt from a leaked torture study titled Judicious Use of Cognitive and Physical Trauma to Elicit Psychic Response–By Dr.Gunter Chang. This is not for the feint of heart or the wobbly of knees. Read ahead with this knowledge. Continue Reading

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Biggest Moon This Year May Cause Record Drunkenness on Cinco de Mayo

Biggest Moon This Year May Cause Record Drunkenness on Cinco de Mayo

A new warning from the Astronomers Sociological Studies (ASS) group is being circulated around college campuses nationwide advising that this month’s full moon on May 5th may have a stronger gravitational pull than any in past months. An ASS member claims this could have a detrimental effect on one of the biggest drinking holidays of the year, Cinco de Mayo. Continue Reading

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An Up Close Look at Australian Animals From Hell

An Up Close Look at Australian Animals From Hell

No, I am not going to write about kangaroos.

I am not that cheap. Everybody who wants to write funny stories about Australia writes about kangaroos. I refuse to stoop that low. They are too easy a target, too cheap a shot. I will, however, write about koala bears. I may not be cheap, but I have my limits. Koala bears sell.

Just to show how thin the line between humor and reality is at times I have put an asterisk before items that really, actually and truly did happen. Continue Reading

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Mathematician Accused of Using Imaginary Numbers in Global Warming Report

Mathematician Accused of Using Imaginary Numbers in Global Warming Report

After a three-week investigation, the Congressional Investigation Committee has unanimously concluded that Kansas mathematician Dr. Bernard Dietrich did intentionally and maliciously use imaginary numbers in the equations used to generate the data in the report he issued a month ago on global warming. Continue Reading

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Amateur Astronomer finds Hell in Space

Amateur Astronomer finds Hell in Space

It started out as a normal night for amateur astronomer Rick Saty last Wednesday evening. After setting up his 14-inch reflector telescope in his backyard and collimating it (a process in which the lenses are adjusted to bring them all into perfect alignment), he turned his telescope at a variety of objects in the night sky. Like he always does, the first thing Saty checked out was the Orion Nebula and then the Andromeda Galaxy, “They’re so inspiring.” Continue Reading

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Discovery Of Male ‘Penis Brain’ Excites Researchers

Discovery Of Male ‘Penis Brain’ Excites Researchers

Physiological scientists have made an amazing discovery in that man (and we mean specifically ‘man’ here, not ‘wo-man’) much like the dinosaurs of ancient times, possess a second brain located in an extremity of the body. Both man and dinosaurs have the similarity of having a major brain in their heads that regulates most of their bodily functions, but, whereas dinosaurs have a second, smaller brain in their tail ends, man’s has been discovered in his penis tip. Continue Reading

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Ancient Greek High School Unearthed

Ancient Greek High School Unearthed

Athens, Greece – GlossyNews.com – Archaeologists digging in the Greek Peloponnese in the region of ancient Sparta have reported the amazing discovery of a virtually intact Spartan high school once attended by at least 100 students.

The Spartans were the ancient Greeks known for their warlike society and, well, spartan lifestyle as depicted in the popular Hollywood animated movie 300. Continue Reading

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Scientists Discover Rare Pygmy Bigfoots

Scientists Discover Rare Pygmy Bigfoots

Vancouver, BC – GlossyNews.com – In what may finally put to rest the perennial “Does Bigfoot exist?” controversy, a team of Canadian scientists from Saskatchewan State College announced Tuesday that it has discovered a race of pygmy Bigfoots living deep in the remote pine forest of British Columbia.

“We tracked a trail of their massive footprints for three days,” says lead archaeologist Jacob Standunsky. Continue Reading

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Drug-Induced Lobotomy Offers Hope for Stress-Plagued Society

Drug-Induced Lobotomy Offers Hope for Stress-Plagued Society

Stress is the number one mental problem plaguing society today. Stress can lead to obesity, anorexia, suicide, and color T.V. Did you know that there has been a 20% increase of stress-related spontaneous combustion in April 2011 due only to rumors of Whoopi Goldberg leaving The View? Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Science3 Comments

Aliens Abduct Rhode Island, Connecticut Unaware

Aliens Abduct Rhode Island, Connecticut Unaware

Woonsocket, RI – GlossyNews.com – In one of the most bizarre UFO events yet recorded, aliens reportedly abducted the entire State of Rhode Island.

It happened at 3:15 AM May 10. The entire episode was documented by Barney J. Brothers using his cell phone camera and his video has been posted to YouTube, prompting a frenzied worldwide rush to see the video. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Strange People5 Comments

Dung Becomes Newest Clean Energy

Dung Becomes Newest Clean Energy

Fibrominn, LLC in Benson, Minnesota has the distinction of being the first U.S. power plant fired by turkey droppings in an effort wean the U.S. from fossil fuel to fecal fuel. And the turkeys couldn’t be happier. The plant burns 90 percent turkey dung and in an ironic twist, creates “clean” power from “filthy nasty” fuel for approximately 40,000 homes. Continue Reading

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