Mars Rover Curiosity Discovers Triboob

Excited NASA staff make plans for a manned mission to Mars after the Mars rover returned its first series of results.

It took 8 months to get there and a further 2 weeks to find anything of importance, but at last the Mars Rover has finally found something even the general populace will be interested in.

When preparing to blast rocks for sampling, the rover, Curiosity, came across a perfectly formed skeleton of a three-breasted female. Read more Mars Rover Curiosity Discovers Triboob

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Curiosity Killed the Rover

GALE CRATER, MARS – The Curiosity Rover died yesterday while chasing an unidentified particle on Mars, the National Aeronautic and Space Agency reported at a press conference this morning.

Physicists have not yet classified the particle that killed Curiosity, but three photos NASA received shortly before her death may hold clues.

“According to our one-megapixel photos, Curiosity was last seen chasing a particle that appeared to be slightly smaller than a boson and somewhat structured like a buckminsterfullerene,” said Lead Nuclear Physicist David Horton. “Frankly, we believe she tripped and fell off Mars.” Read more Curiosity Killed the Rover

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Martian Emperor: Hands off Our Water

MARTIAN EQUATOR – Following the successful landing of NASA’s Mars Rover early this morning, the President of Mars has released a statement to Earth’s leaders, insisting: “hands off our water or there will be consequences.”

Speaking today from the planet’s equator – some 270 miles away from where Curiosity landed Monday – Emperor Pyomdix Wuppa III said any encroachment on Mars’s water supply – or indeed its life forms – would “constitute a direct violation of intergalactic law.” Read more Martian Emperor: Hands off Our Water

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Biggest Moon This Year May Cause Record Drunkenness on Cinco de Mayo

A new warning from the Astronomers Sociological Studies (ASS) group is being circulated around college campuses nationwide advising that this month’s full moon on May 5th may have a stronger gravitational pull than any in past months. An ASS member claims this could have a detrimental effect on one of the biggest drinking holidays of the year, Cinco de Mayo. Read more Biggest Moon This Year May Cause Record Drunkenness on Cinco de Mayo

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An Up Close Look at Australian Animals From Hell

No, I am not going to write about kangaroos.

I am not that cheap. Everybody who wants to write funny stories about Australia writes about kangaroos. I refuse to stoop that low. They are too easy a target, too cheap a shot. I will, however, write about koala bears. I may not be cheap, but I have my limits. Koala bears sell.

Just to show how thin the line between humor and reality is at times I have put an asterisk before items that really, actually and truly did happen. Read more An Up Close Look at Australian Animals From Hell

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Mathematician Accused of Using Imaginary Numbers in Global Warming Report

After a three-week investigation, the Congressional Investigation Committee has unanimously concluded that Kansas mathematician Dr. Bernard Dietrich did intentionally and maliciously use imaginary numbers in the equations used to generate the data in the report he issued a month ago on global warming. Read more Mathematician Accused of Using Imaginary Numbers in Global Warming Report

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Amateur Astronomer finds Hell in Space

It started out as a normal night for amateur astronomer Rick Saty last Wednesday evening. After setting up his 14-inch reflector telescope in his backyard and collimating it (a process in which the lenses are adjusted to bring them all into perfect alignment), he turned his telescope at a variety of objects in the night sky. Like he always does, the first thing Saty checked out was the Orion Nebula and then the Andromeda Galaxy, “They’re so inspiring.” Read more Amateur Astronomer finds Hell in Space

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Discovery Of Male ‘Penis Brain’ Excites Researchers

Physiological scientists have made an amazing discovery in that man (and we mean specifically ‘man’ here, not ‘wo-man’) much like the dinosaurs of ancient times, possess a second brain located in an extremity of the body. Both man and dinosaurs have the similarity of having a major brain in their heads that regulates most of their bodily functions, but, whereas dinosaurs have a second, smaller brain in their tail ends, man’s has been discovered in his penis tip. Read more Discovery Of Male ‘Penis Brain’ Excites Researchers

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Ancient Greek High School Unearthed

Athens, Greece – GlossyNews.com – Archaeologists digging in the Greek Peloponnese in the region of ancient Sparta have reported the amazing discovery of a virtually intact Spartan high school once attended by at least 100 students.

The Spartans were the ancient Greeks known for their warlike society and, well, spartan lifestyle as depicted in the popular Hollywood animated movie 300. Read more Ancient Greek High School Unearthed

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Scientists Discover Rare Pygmy Bigfoots

Vancouver, BC – GlossyNews.com – In what may finally put to rest the perennial “Does Bigfoot exist?” controversy, a team of Canadian scientists from Saskatchewan State College announced Tuesday that it has discovered a race of pygmy Bigfoots living deep in the remote pine forest of British Columbia.

“We tracked a trail of their massive footprints for three days,” says lead archaeologist Jacob Standunsky. Read more Scientists Discover Rare Pygmy Bigfoots

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Drug-Induced Lobotomy Offers Hope for Stress-Plagued Society

Stress is the number one mental problem plaguing society today. Stress can lead to obesity, anorexia, suicide, and color T.V. Did you know that there has been a 20% increase of stress-related spontaneous combustion in April 2011 due only to rumors of Whoopi Goldberg leaving The View? Read more Drug-Induced Lobotomy Offers Hope for Stress-Plagued Society

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Aliens Abduct Rhode Island, Connecticut Unaware

Woonsocket, RI – GlossyNews.com – In one of the most bizarre UFO events yet recorded, aliens reportedly abducted the entire State of Rhode Island.

It happened at 3:15 AM May 10. The entire episode was documented by Barney J. Brothers using his cell phone camera and his video has been posted to YouTube, prompting a frenzied worldwide rush to see the video. Read more Aliens Abduct Rhode Island, Connecticut Unaware

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Dung Becomes Newest Clean Energy

Fibrominn, LLC in Benson, Minnesota has the distinction of being the first U.S. power plant fired by turkey droppings in an effort wean the U.S. from fossil fuel to fecal fuel. And the turkeys couldn’t be happier. The plant burns 90 percent turkey dung and in an ironic twist, creates “clean” power from “filthy nasty” fuel for approximately 40,000 homes. Read more Dung Becomes Newest Clean Energy

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Painting of Big Mac Found in Neanderthal Cave

Saint Sozy, France – GlossyNews.com French paleontologists have discovered a Neanderthal cave painting said to represent hands eagerly reaching for a Big Mac, or at least proto-Big Mac, according to the journal, Ancient Discoveries.

According to Jean-Claude Bouisquet, curator of the Museum of French Archeology, the painting was found during excavation of a Neanderthal cave encampment at La Roche-Cotard, and can be reliably dated to 25,000 B.C. Read more Painting of Big Mac Found in Neanderthal Cave

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NASA Claims Solar Flare Mistaken for Distress Signal

A visibly distraught NASA Director Sharon Love spoke to reporters this week about what she called ‘that stupid thing with space aliens.’

“Look, I seriously don’t have time for this. My assignment is outreach to the Muslim world, period. When the boss hears I’ve been doing ‘space crap’ it’s not going to be pretty. He’s not so lovey-dovey since ditching the Marlboros, I’ll tell you that. The President’s management style is a lot like LBJ with a bad hangover lately. But since there are flying saucers currently hovering over all major cities on Earth, it’s damned if I do and damned if I don’t.” Read more NASA Claims Solar Flare Mistaken for Distress Signal

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Komodo Dragon Genome Escapes from Computer Lab

Austin, Tex. — An entire Komodo Dragon genome has reportedly got loose from a MySQL database at Infinite Loop Biological Research Co. in Austin, Tex. and is already starting to breed and reproduce itself in computers and computer networks worldwide.

The nightmare of a giant lizard taking up residence inside your computer is fast becoming a reality, say alarmed computer experts. “Forget about worms and viruses,” says Stanley Kubinowski of computer security firm, SKSF Inc. Read more Komodo Dragon Genome Escapes from Computer Lab

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New Species of Lunatic Discovered

Psycho-zoology has long been considered a low-glamour science. While botanists and biologists regularly grab headlines with new discoveries, psycho-zoologists labor in obscurity.

Experts have always believed there aren’t any new ‘burnt cookie’ species to be identified, due to the thorough research of Sigmund Freud. That long cherished paradigm has now been overturned. Read more New Species of Lunatic Discovered

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