SENEGAL – Explaining that it was, “as surprised as the next viral particle,” about the panic surrounding a potential global Ebola outbreak, EBOV, the virus responsible for Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever, held a press conference this week detailing its seemingly pleasant surprise at the worldwide discussion regarding its supposed pandemic-worthy virulence factors.
“Don’t get me wrong, I have always known my mortality rate was above average,” explained the negative-sense, single-stranded RNA virion.
“But – and this is just off the top of my nucleocapsid – my easily-inactivated lipoprotein envelope, lack of airborne transmission, and antibody protection for up to ten years from those who fight off my infection, have always made me think I was a relatively lackluster Filoviridae,” referring to the genus of which the non-living infectious molecule belongs.
“All this media speculation that I – a little-known zoonotic pathogen formerly named after the old Democratic Republic of Congo – could cause a pandemic? It’s a lot for my relatively small ~19,000 base-pair genome to handle.”
The virus, which humbly admitted the symptoms associated with its infection are rather gruesome, went on to further say that, regardless of its biological properties, the amount of American newscasters who believe it may become airborne was a big ego booster.
“My genetic mutation rate is about the same as your average flu virus, but it can be transmitted far more easily than I can, and it kills many more people each year than I do. Ask any reputable medical expert and they’ll tell you: I can not and will not become transmissible to humans via respiratory droplets.
“No matter how hard I try, it just won’t happen. I’ll never be as good as influenza. Still, it feels good that there are so many news anchors who know almost nothing about me but still have such faith in me. It’s just nice to have someone believe in you.”