N.B.A. Furious Over Sterling’s Comments

Los Angeles, California – Three days after a recording emerged of Clippers Owner, Donald Sterling making racist comments set off a fury of angry reactions from past and current NBA players, an extended recording has been released involving a new victim, the breadstick.

The original recording was of Sterling talking to his girlfriend, professional model, V. Stiviano, regarding an Instagram photo she took with former NBA star, Magic Johnson. Read more N.B.A. Furious Over Sterling’s Comments

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Obama’s foreign policy of “Follow the Follower” isn’t working

Announcer: President Obama’s foreign policy has come under serious scrutiny lately. Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of Yucky World, will be discussing this with retired U.S. State Department diplomat J. Foghill Bottom.

Janey: You’re considered to be one of the deans of American diplomacy, Mr. Bottom. To what do you attribute your success? Read more Obama’s foreign policy of “Follow the Follower” isn’t working

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Donald Sterling Banned For Life From Every Organization With Initials

Chicago – Not only has embattled owner of the LA Clippers basketball team, Donald Sterling, been banned for life from the NBA for his racist remarks, but virtually every other organization in America that is widely known by their initials have banned him as well.

The NFL, MLB, UPS, IBM, NHL, all four of the main television networks, KFC, TCBY, the BBC, ESPN, HBO, BMW, JVC, RCA, QVC, WWE and many others have vowed to never do business with the billionaire asshole ever again. Read more Donald Sterling Banned For Life From Every Organization With Initials

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Text Walking to Become New Olympic Sport

Rio de Janeiro – Text walking will become the newest sport to be part of the Olympic Games starting in Rio in 2016. The act of texting while walking has never been considered a sport but since so few people get killed while performing the act, Olympic officials assume there must be some skill involved in the activity.

Although still a relatively new activity in some parts of the world, millions of people navigate their daily lives while having their eyes and attention diverted to their handheld devices for hours on end. Miraculously, only a small number of these self-absorbed people end up in the hospital or worse from the activity. Read more Text Walking to Become New Olympic Sport

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Cancer to be Rebranded the ‘Super King Slimming Disease’ by Cigarette Companies

Court documents revealed today in a US class action have described what the big tobacco firms intend to do, now that their growing markets in the emerging economies are becoming more aware of the associated health risks of smoking.

The highly confidential meeting minutes include the admittance that claiming that it is unproven that there is a link between inhaling vast amount of addictive, toxic, carcinogenic chemicals day after day for years is hazardous to health is unproven, has now become ‘like the lack of the mention of dinosaurs in the bible, in other words somewhat difficult to defend, except of course to stupid people’. Read more Cancer to be Rebranded the ‘Super King Slimming Disease’ by Cigarette Companies

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Clippers Owner Donald Sterling To Sell Team

At a press conference in Los Angeles this morning, Donald Sterling’s wife Roachelle claimed the NBA team would be sold in a matter of days.

Sterling, 67, who changed his name from Tokowitz so his unique brand of bigotry and racism would seem more ethnically ambiguous, has been embroiled in an intense controversy over apparent recorded racist comments he made to his 24 year old paid escort, arm candy and wannabee model, V. Stiviano. Sterling didn’t approve of her posting pictures on the internet of herself with black men or bringing Magic Johnson to Clippers games.

According to the recording, Sterling had no problem with V associating with black men or even sleeping with them, but the posting of pics and being seen publicly within 100 yards of Sterling made him the butt of jokes among others of Sterling’s “culture”.

At the press conference Roachelle Sterling said “It’s apparent the NBA, fans, people of certain mixed mud colors, anti-semites and jew haters do not want Donald in basketball, so we will be going somewhere where we’ll be appreciated.”

In other sports news Redskins owner Dan Snyder issued a press release midday indicating he was selling his team to an unnamed Los Angeles buyer in a IRS approved, 1031 exchange.

Both sales were approved by NBA and NFL owners along strictly religious and ethnic lines.

In related notes the Israeli parliament has approved designating Ethiopian immigrants of dubious hebrew heritage as 3/5ths real Jew.

photo credit: Tim Noakes via photopin cc

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Study shows Men Secretly Resent Women’s Phatness

Dateline: NEW YORK—Islamic states are infamous in the West for forcing women to wear burqas, since those outer garments obscure the shape of women’s bodies and are thus odious from a feminist standpoint. Defenders of the sexist laws typically resort to theological or moral rationales, none of which is found in the Quran.

But a team of researchers at NYU has published a study explaining the behaviour as the result of men’s surprising annoyance at women for being sexy and beautiful.
Read more Study shows Men Secretly Resent Women’s Phatness

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