Categorized | Travel, War Zone

Jet-Wheel Stowaway Forces Airports to Increase Security Illusions

Jet-Wheel Stowaway Forces Airports to Increase Security Illusions

SAN JOSE, CALIF. — Following a 15-year-old boy’s recent stowaway ride across the Pacific Ocean, authorities at San Jose International Airport say they plan to work with the FAA in an effort to step up their security illusions, sources report.

According to San Jose International Airport Spokesperson Janet Bavory, “Our illusions of security failed us this time. In the future, however, we vow to increase the number of pretend security measures in order to make sure that such a devastating terror attack doesn’t almost happen ever again.”

Bavory added that there are “any number of security measures the airport could pretend to implement,” suggesting such ruses as adding several more “Do Not Enter” signs throughout the airport, placing more barbed wire atop the unmonitored and easy-to-cut fences, and replacing the ground control staff’s signal wands with fully automatic Chinese assault rifles.

“Most likely, though” concluded Bavory, “we’ll just add even more TSA staff. We believe this to be the most effective security illusion because it not only makes passengers feel safer while boarding, it also, by sheer volume, actually increases the odds that some of the items the TSA staff is stealing from passengers’ luggage might incidentally be an explosive device.”

At press time, reports indicate that the FAA has learned a great deal from this most recent breach and, as a result, is considering removing the cabin pressure from all future flights so that, like the stowaway himself, passengers on every plane will be in a hybernation-like induced coma for the duration of their trips, rendering all other illusions of safety unnecessary.

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