Duck Dynasty Cancelled: A&E Introduces New Reality Show

New York City – Amid the controversy surrounding Phil Robertson and the reality show, Duck Dynasty on A&E, the network has decided to pull the plug on the once popular series in favor of a replacement that lead executives say will have less poultry and more Kruk, John Kruk that is.

“A lot of people were disappointed when we first announced the cancellation,” said Executive Producer, Bill Abraham. “But once we announced the show’s replacement starring national icon, John Kruk, fans immediately jumped on the bandwagon and are looking forward to the premiere in January. For heaven’s sake, we sold out of ‘Kruk This’ t-shirts within nine minutes!” Added an exuberant Abraham.

A&E’s new show, Kruk Dynasty, will follow the many faces of John Kruk, from his days as an extraordinary Major League Baseball player to his current role as a popular Baseball Analyst for ESPN. The new show will aim to win back disgruntled fans, annoyed with Robertson’s homosexual comments and those unaware that Louisiana was part of the United States.

“I was about to boycott A&E, but then they announced this little miracle and I’m back onboard!” Said longtime television buff, Harry Michaels, who claims that he once watched Kruk hit a homerun and consequently nicknamed him “Kruk Kommander.”

Kruk Dynasty will premiere on Tuesday, January 7th at 9:00 p.m. and plans to air 16 weekly episodes during the inaugural season. John Kruk’s agent was unavailable for comment, but Kruk posted on Twitter (@KrukHunt) “Excited for the new series! Sorry about the ducks!”

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31% Chance that Miley Cyrus Will Develop Frostbite During New Year’s Performance

New York, NY – Pop icon and cultural wrecking ball Miley Cyrus is scheduled to headline the festivities in Times Square, performing just before the ball drops to start the New Year. According to forecasters, the weather at midnight should be about 26 degrees Fahrenheit, with 12 mph winds, putting the wind chill in the low teens. While frostbite does not typically begin to set in until the wind chill has dropped down to -20, the charts were made by doctors who assumed that people would be wearing clothes. If the past year of Miley Cyrus’ life has suggested anything, it’s that this is a bold assumption.

In an official statement, ABC stated that “[p]aramedics will be standing by with buckets of warm water and new clothes for Ms. Cyrus” if frostbite should begin to set in during or after her set. The statement did not disclose where Ms. Cyrus’ old clothes will be at that time, hinting at the nature of her performance.

“As if it’s possible for her to do a show and not strip down,” 24-year-old single male and typical Miley fan Seth Hanes said, adding that, if she didn’t, he’d ask for his money back.

“I’d use her tits to hang up my coat,” another fan told us, with a wink and an “if you know what I mean.”

“Of course she’s going to have exposed skin,” Rolling Stone reporter Biz Jenkins scoffed, “Really, the only question is what part of her starts going blue.”

Reports of numerous betting pools on this exact topic have been confirmed, with wagers on which part of Miley’s skin would turn color the quickest. The current 3 to 1 favorite is her tongue.

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Tareq Salahi Talks Sex, Lies and Videotape to Prove It

Tareq Salahi is coming out of the closet with both guns blazing against his estranged wife, Michaele Salahi, during what one attorney described as one of the most boring celebrity divorce proceedings to ever hit the tabloids.

David Squire, attorney for a group of creditors trying to collect debts owed by the Salahis, claims that he is privy to some really raunchy goings on while the couple were a couple before Michaele left Tariq for musician Neil Schon. “Unfortunately,” he says “none of it is true. They are both liars,” Squire told Weird News Weekly. Read more Tareq Salahi Talks Sex, Lies and Videotape to Prove It

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Christmas Miracle Leaves Woman Bored

LIFEMARK FAMILYTOWN, USA – Today Melody Christmas (40) is a woman who has it all. She is a mother of two, wife of an artsy-rugged-rich sensitive male, and CEO of a multinational bakery-café-puppy store chain.

But a few weeks before Christmas she was a normal American woman, unwinding after work in her one bedroom apartment drinking $4 red wine and watching the British version of things on Netflix while scrolling through Facebook statuses of how everyone else is happier, more successful, and more married than she is. Read more Christmas Miracle Leaves Woman Bored

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Pot-Seeking Hippie Caravans Headed for Marijuana Meccas

Now that the laws are on the books in both Colorado and Washington state making the recreational use of marijuana legal, boomers all over the United States are hitting the road, plotting plans to get their fair share of the heavenly harvest while doing their best to stay under the radar of the local authorities in surrounding states.

‘Maravans’ as they are called, caravans of cars that are leaving from cities all over the US and headed for the two states that have what they want–marijuana–are becoming a regular sight on the nation’s back roads. Read more Pot-Seeking Hippie Caravans Headed for Marijuana Meccas

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Duck Dynasty Delusions & American Social Cohesion in Jeopardy, Experts warn

Dateline: WEST MONROE, LA—Phil Robertson, star of A&E’s Duck Dynasty, got into trouble with his politically incorrect comments about homosexuality being un-Christian.

For financial reasons, A&E stood by Mr. Robertson, Duck Dynasty will continue filming, and conservative groups have applauded the network.

However, shockwaves from the swirling winds created by the clash between conservative and liberal delusions are still propagating and culture critics warn that they threaten to destroy America with a mega tornado of bluster.
Read more Duck Dynasty Delusions & American Social Cohesion in Jeopardy, Experts warn

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Miley Cyrus to Twerk Down New Year on Times Square Ball

Not one to outdo herself, Miley Cyrus has found yet another avenue to show off her twerking prowess and usher in a new year of controversy. The event has been dubbed “Twerking in the New Year with Miley Cyrus.”

Young people in the crowd are encouraged to join in the festivities by twerking along with Cyrus. Read more Miley Cyrus to Twerk Down New Year on Times Square Ball

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