Christmas Miracle Leaves Woman Bored

LIFEMARK FAMILYTOWN, USA – Today Melody Christmas (40) is a woman who has it all. She is a mother of two, wife of an artsy-rugged-rich sensitive male, and CEO of a multinational bakery-café-puppy store chain.

But a few weeks before Christmas she was a normal American woman, unwinding after work in her one bedroom apartment drinking $4 red wine and watching the British version of things on Netflix while scrolling through Facebook statuses of how everyone else is happier, more successful, and more married than she is.

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Her only romantic prospect, a lawyer-businessman-professional puppy rapist, had broken up with her for a much more attractive, younger, and dumber woman.

This break up started an epic litany of misfortunes which would turn any first world problem plagued protagonist into a sympathetic character. Her car broke down. Her landlord for some reason wanted the rent she hadn’t paid in months. She gained two pounds. Her Starbucks order didn’t taste like they used soy milk, when she had asked for soy milk. On top of that her mom wanted her to come home for Christmas.

Everything changed on the flight back home where, through a merry mix-up, Melody Christmas ended up meeting a total hottie who was willing to pretend to be her fiancé. Also, that hottie was an angel sent by God to send her back in time to make different life decisions despite a lack piety or clear reasons why her happiness is for the greater good of anyone but her.

“Angels are really just high school guidance counselors,” Christmas said, “Except hot and magic so you actually listen to them. Also there isn’t the whole, ‘Look, if you know how to be successful and happy, then why are you a high school guidance counselor?’ thing.”

After reliving her high school days she magically awoke December 25th 2013 with no memory of anything that had happened on the new timeline. “I didn’t go to business school in my timeline. I don’t know how to run a multinational bakery-café-puppy store chain. I just sit there in my office, delegating my work to other people and hoping nobody realizes I’m a fraud…What’s the readership of Glossy News again?”

She then comes home to the children she now has through the magic of Christmas angels and Back to the Future-esque time travel recklessness. “Then I go home to my asshole kids I don’t remember giving birth to. They’re like ‘Mommy, I drew you a picture; Mommy, look what I can do; Mommy, I love you.’ Jesus, fuck off! Needless to say we hired a nanny.”

Christmas whined, “I have nothing to work towards anymore. Now I just drink $300 wine and watch Netflix until my husband comes home. But he’s usually too tired from working with his hands at his Fortune 500 graphic-architecture-construction company that he owns.”

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