Miley Cyrus to Twerk Down New Year on Times Square Ball

Not one to outdo herself, Miley Cyrus has found yet another avenue to show off her twerking prowess and usher in a new year of controversy. The event has been dubbed “Twerking in the New Year with Miley Cyrus.”

Young people in the crowd are encouraged to join in the festivities by twerking along with Cyrus.

What better way to ring in the new year than by watching a scantily clad Cyrus twerking atop the magnificent Times Square Ball which, this year, is covered in nearly 3000 Waterford Crystal triangles.

Cyrus will be wearing a specially-designed costume consisting of a beautiful white fire-proof diaper designed by an up and coming designer with Christian Dior. Her nipples will be covered with small pink pacifier pasties found at a local New York novelty store. In addition, Cyrus will be wearing specially-designed sunglasses in the shape of 2014, which will protect her eyes from the brilliant colors projecting from the huge ball.

Cyrus’ promoters claim this is going to be a stunt unrivaled even by the likes of Evel Knievel who, in his day, did his fair share of zany stunts, albeit fully clothed.

Once Cyrus lands atop One Times Square, she will then do a special twerk to the song “Auld Lang Syne, which will be played a bit more up tempo to accommodate Cyrus’ ‘booty-licious’ gyrations.

The Times Square cam will catch the entire ride down so that people around the world can watch the redneck diva twerk her ass off.

The only people who will not be able to watch the festivities include those living in China, North Korea, Iran, and various other countries that do not have internet capabilities, or who still have the sensibility to ring in the new year in a more sophisticated and reverent manner.

Cyrus (famous for another ride atop a wrecking ball earlier this year) was asked what she was going to do once her performance atop the Times Square Ball has completed. She told reporters that she may just try and ride as many balls as she can before her twerking days are over.

“I want to twerk my way to the top,” said a smiling Cyrus. “But I also think the ride down will be a total blast as well.”


Author: P. Beckert

P. Beckert's is one voice vying for frequency room at the top of the opinion dial. Angered and bewildered by many of today’s events, P. Beckert uses humor as a tool to fight against an onslaught of stupidity and ignorance that seems to permeate the airwaves and pollute the sensitivities of a once brilliant nation. You can find more at