Posted in Politics

Bad Boy Bloomberg Banning Big Breasts

In his latest and most swift move to play strict-stepfather-who-hates-loud-rock-music to New Yorkers, Mayor Bloomberg has opted for a new ban on cup size. This time, however, instead of going after the large Coca-Cola in your cup, he’s going after…

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Posted in Music

Elvis Impersonator ‘Sounds Uncannily Like Elvis Impersonator’

BLOOMINGTON – Friends and colleagues of Elvis impersonator Arnold Mason agree that the 47-year-old sounds and looks uncannily like hundreds of other Elvis impersonators. A resident of Bloomington, IN, Mr Mason has performed Elvis hits up and down Indiana for…

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Posted in Strange People

NRA’s LaPierre Holds America Hostage

Two narrowed eyes peeked out of the slats over the window that were already narrow enough by themselves. They gazed imperturbably at the scores of police and FBI agents that surrounded the NRA ranch estate in North Carolina. Those eyes…

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Posted in Internets Tubes Technology

Search Engine Scandal; Google Auto-Completes Your Racism

Google offers an Auto-Complete feature. You start your search, they suggest what you might want to see, based on what others have searched… and Google thinks you’re a huge racist. I searched almost every country in the world and what…

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc Entertainment

Stage Actor Arrested After Knocking Dead 47 Audience Members

INDIANAPOLIS – Police arrested a 35-year-old man last night after eye-witnesses reported him knocking dead the 47 theatre goers who came to see his portrayal of Iago in a community theatre production of Shakespeare’s Othello. Brian Mathis, a longtime member…

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Posted in Society

Pope Francis to Allow Fellatio, Cunnilingus

Newly elected Pope Francis announced today that he will allow parishioners over the age of 50 the option of giving and receiving fellatio and cunnilingus to ensure “marital harmony and to enhance the sex lives of the faithful”. Ora sex…

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Posted in Science

Science on God: Inference to Any Other Explanation the Best

Men like Stephen Hawking have helped introduce us to Science all over again and men like Richard Dawkins have helped us learn to appreciate its grandness and wonder anew. They’ve taught us to embrace skepticism in our pursuit of truth…

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Posted in Politics

Senator Graham Goes For The Low Hanging Fruit

South Carolina Republican Senator Lindsey Graham today championed his desire to restrict the ability to own fire arms to those who are no longer capable of knowing right from wrong. The senator laid out his thoughts in what many believed…

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Posted in Biz News

Cypriots Taxed On Their Savings- How To Really Screw Your Fellow Countrymen

Now it is the island nation of Cyprus’s time to come under the guillotine of economic bankruptcy. The only difference with their bankers way of dealing with it is that, instead of doing it in the U.S. fashion of taking…

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Posted in Politics

John Boehner; the Heart of the Party Without a Heart

Speaker of the house, Republican Congressman John Boehner, today spoke out against the recent change in position of Republican Senator Rob Portman regarding the issue of marriage equality. Senator Portman recently changed his position on marriage equality after relaying the…

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Posted in Crime Sports Scandals

Google Search For ‘Oscar Pistorius Murder Trial’ Evolves Into ‘Reeva Steenkamp Topless’

INDIANAPOLIS – During a routine navigation of the internet Friday, a local man’s Google search for the keywords “Oscar Pistorius murder trial” evolved over the course of 7 minutes into “Reeva Steenkamp Topless.” Initially looking to gain up-to-the-minute news on…

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Posted in Sports Scandals Sportsfolk

College Basketball Players Still Waiting on Endorsement Deals

College Basketball is great, no two ways about it. It has as much competitive spirit as any sport, athletes who will be in the big time in no time, and everything else you’d want… except compensation. John Calipari, coach at…

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Posted in Politics

CPAC 2013 Ended and So Didn’t Their Movement

Closing out of the 2013 CPAC (Conservative People Acting Crazy) conference has left many on the right feeling less than exhilarated. Their ideals, thoughts, and policies that no longer align with changes in society have once again left them opposed…

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Posted in Human Interest

Area Control Freak Reports OCD Under Control

Don’t worry everybody–world-wide* acclaimed blogger and self-published publisher/self-editor/self-writer/self-artist, Mark Krotzchety (pronounced “Krotzchety”), wants you to know that he’s finally got his nagging compulsions under control. Apparently, he’s organized everything into a master calendar.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Justin Bieber Dead, Reports Twitter User JoshuaDJ22

NEW YORK, NY – Canadian pop-star and school kid Justin Bieber was tragically killed today when a truck driver accidentally ran over the star in downtown New York, reports bored Twitter user @JoshuaDJ22. In a 120-character post, @JoshuaDJ22 announced that…

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Posted in Top Stories

How to get rid of enemies and excess allies

Yesterday’s report in the Los Angeles Times about the U.S. plan to rid itself of uncomfortable allies in Syria illustrates once again that drones are the answer to almost any problem. This is because – except for tsunamis and volcanoes…

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Posted in Crime Strange People

Housewife becomes Batman-like

A WOMAN has been arrested after she became ‘ninja-like’ and ‘overly mysterious’ while making dinner to the Batman soundtrack. Emergency services received a distress call from a very panicked husband at a home in suburban Seattle at around 5:45pm yesterday…

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Posted in Environment

Wild West, Non-Wisconsin Weinie Winters

Anyone who has spent any time in Colorado or any western ski resort areas has noticed the high density of Wisconsiners living there (to avoid any violent misunderstandings and to remain socially correct, by ‘high density’ I am referring to…

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Posted in Sports Events

American Team Favored to Win 2013 World Series

ST. LOUIS – The St. Louis Cardinals made history Friday when they became the 104th American team to win the World Series. With their 6-2 victory over the Texas Rangers in game 7, The Cardinals extended the United States’ formidable…

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Satire Writer Bittered by Real Life

A SATIRE writer has become jaded after working on a ‘real’ newspaper. The satire writer, who can not be named because I don’t want to, has revealed to Glossy News that she, erm… that she, or he, has found it…

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