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The Illuminati Responds to Shooting by Rap Artist During Pledge Week

The Illuminati Responds to Shooting by Rap Artist During Pledge Week

A Richmond Virginia man is being held without bail after his marijuana fueled attempt to sacrifice his friend in order to join the Illuminati.

The man, an aspiring rap artist believed that by killing his friend he could join the secretive world dominating organization and they would in turn, jump start his go-nowhere music career.

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We at the Illuminati do not have a sacrifice your friend after smoking ganja prior to joining policy. We do not now nor have we ever encouraged anyone from doing anything as unimaginative as getting baked and shooting people.

Yeah, like we’d be impressed by that. Last week I engineered the collapse of the Greek Cypriot banking system resulting in a massive crash in the value of the Euro. Ooo Ahhhh… a guy rocked some stinky buds and tried to shoot his friend- yeah, that impressed us.

Hello? We tell cardinals who to vote for when they pick the next pope and leave horse heads in their beds just to make sure they get the message. You remember the banking crisis? Yeah, that was us. Selling the doomed to default mortgages as bonds and then buying up credit default swaps so when the bonds defaulted we’d get paid was genius.

Now, I’m not going to try and tell anyone that we’ve never dabbled in the music industry. However, we’re pretty much all pudgy white guys and after the unfortunate events during what we call in the Illuminati the “MC Hammer Affair”, we’ve decided to stick with manipulating the Adult Contemporary music scene. It’s musical territory we’re much more comfortable with.

The Illuminati regret not being clearer as to what we’re looking for in prospective members. It was unfortunate that his young man believed that we would find his pot habit and attempted murder impressive. Now, if say someone were to bring about a coup in Venezuela and denationalize their oil fields, maybe we’d talk.

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- who has written 5 posts on GlossyNews.com.

After being told that limiting my humor to only FaceBook friends was depriving the world of joy and happiness I tried to write for the "Onion". They said no. I came here.

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5 Responses to “The Illuminati Responds to Shooting by Rap Artist During Pledge Week”

  1. illumine says:

    Really how pathetic talk about something you well know nothing about and think you’re funny? Really you’re a sick dying breed and I can’t wait till we blow your **cking minds.

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