The Illuminati Responds to Shooting by Rap Artist During Pledge Week

A Richmond Virginia man is being held without bail after his marijuana fueled attempt to sacrifice his friend in order to join the Illuminati.

The man, an aspiring rap artist believed that by killing his friend he could join the secretive world dominating organization and they would in turn, jump start his go-nowhere music career.

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We at the Illuminati do not have a sacrifice your friend after smoking ganja prior to joining policy. We do not now nor have we ever encouraged anyone from doing anything as unimaginative as getting baked and shooting people.

Yeah, like we’d be impressed by that. Last week I engineered the collapse of the Greek Cypriot banking system resulting in a massive crash in the value of the Euro. Ooo Ahhhh… a guy rocked some stinky buds and tried to shoot his friend- yeah, that impressed us.

Hello? We tell cardinals who to vote for when they pick the next pope and leave horse heads in their beds just to make sure they get the message. You remember the banking crisis? Yeah, that was us. Selling the doomed to default mortgages as bonds and then buying up credit default swaps so when the bonds defaulted we’d get paid was genius.

Now, I’m not going to try and tell anyone that we’ve never dabbled in the music industry. However, we’re pretty much all pudgy white guys and after the unfortunate events during what we call in the Illuminati the “MC Hammer Affair”, we’ve decided to stick with manipulating the Adult Contemporary music scene. It’s musical territory we’re much more comfortable with.

The Illuminati regret not being clearer as to what we’re looking for in prospective members. It was unfortunate that his young man believed that we would find his pot habit and attempted murder impressive. Now, if say someone were to bring about a coup in Venezuela and denationalize their oil fields, maybe we’d talk.

Author: CraigW

After being told that limiting my humor to only FaceBook friends was depriving the world of joy and happiness I tried to write for the "Onion". They said no. I came here.

6 thoughts on “The Illuminati Responds to Shooting by Rap Artist During Pledge Week

  1. is mr charles really want to share my testimony on how i became an Illuminati member, through my friend. i was moving with my friend for more than 10 years and he have been getting rich everyday and even giving me money but he never told me the secret of his success until a day i was frustrated to let him know that he should help me also that was when he open up to me and tell me that he was a member of the Illuminati that he have been in the court for more than 10 years that his riches and protection came from this i told him to let me be into the court but it not an easy task to be a member but i was finally initiated into the devil church of the Illuminati and i was confirm in there church. after a month of being a member of Illuminati i got promotion that same month in my working place and within a year i was promoted thrice in my working place to the extend of being a managing Director i never know how to thank this church of Illuminati and today am rich as my friend also, and also the one that surprise me most was that i got an accident with my new car and the car was right off but i still survive the accident and nothing happen to me i really thank you people Illuminati. so i just want to share to the world that this is real and it have help me and work for me so if you want to become a member i can lead you into the court of richness and you will never be poor again, know that it only a member in the Illuminati that can initiate you into the church of illumination they do not contact directly because they are fake Illuminati all over the world, this is my email they will tell you how to join,

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  4. Really how pathetic talk about something you well know nothing about and think you’re funny? Really you’re a sick dying breed and I can’t wait till we blow your **cking minds.