The stars can see your future and they want to give you the bad news before someone else gets to. For never-ending horoscopes, check out our Random Horoscope Generator.
RIGHT: A graphic of the incorrect version of astral superstition, but one we had already purchased the right to use.
Aries: The stars can’t do your horoscope right now. Pluto had too much to drink, locked himself in the bathroom and is threatening to start cutting unless Neal Degrass Tyson apologizes and makes him a planet again. They’re a little busy right now.
Taurus: The fact that you never learned how to say, “Don’t torture me”, in the native language of the Za Pande people of central Africa will come back to haunt you in surprising and sexually intrusive ways today.
Gemini: The police, court system, fire department and a nuisance alligator control specialist will all play a role in teaching you that what is funny in a romantic comedy is creepy in real life.
Cancer: The tribe of Pygmies will be confused by your negative reaction. In their culture it’s considered a great honor to be sodomized by a silver back guerrilla.
Leo: Your attempts to get around the Second Law of Thermodynamics will have disastrous consequences for you and pretty much everyone who is happy and comfortable with the space time continuum in its current state.
Virgo: Mars is in retrograde, mostly because he’s frustrated and depressed and thinks you’re putting too much pressure on him to tell you how your day is going to be.
Libra: The Stars see and know all which is unfortunate for them. Being forced to witness your performance with the college co-ed half your age you picked up last night made them throw-up a little in their mouths.
Scorpio: Today is a good day to reconsider how you persuade people to your point of view. And really, was tying them up in your basement and forcing them to listen to the “Barney Song” until they agreed with you ever really a good idea?
Sagittarius: The Stars want you to know that the futures of your children, nieces and nephews are bright and full of possibilities. You however are colossally fucked.
Capricorn: All the books you got at the sex shop say how important it is for both people to agree on and remember a safety word. Nothing is going to drive this point home better than tonight when your partner is confused as to why you’re sobbing out the word “buttercup” over and over again.
Aquarius: Mercury is rising in the house of Venus and he thinks your interest in what goes on between consenting celestial bodies in their own homes is kind of disturbing.
Pisces: “Sorry” will be considered an inadequate response by all who hear it when it’s revealed that your attempts to cross-breed chickens and pigs in order to open a chain of pork wings restaurants accidentally created a species of delicious flying monsters bent on destroying humanity.