Corporation Now Firing

INDIANAPOLIS – The city’s employment figures were tweaked Friday, as Corporate Technology Services (CTS) – an established call center corporation on the westside of Indianapolis – revealed that it is now firing.

Expected to begin the firing process in earnest on Monday, the company is looking to increase joblessness by upward of 10%.

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“We’re very excited about moving backward as a company,” said CTS President, Deborah Challis. “Our number one goal from day one has been to have the highest job turnover rate in the country and by January 2013 we project we’ll be well on course to achieve that goal.”

The company, which touts itself as “an equal opportunity firer”, has made steady strides within the fiscal year toward reaching its projected goal of 500 cutbacks and is hopeful that it can more than double this by the second quarter of next year.

“With every new face that goes out of our doors, we as a company move ever nearer to fulfilling the targets set out by our board of directors,” continued Challis. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a one-on-one firing session with Linda from accounts.”

Author: Laurence Brown

Laurence Brown is an award-winning comedic journalist based in Indianapolis, Indiana, who has edited several satirical news papers since 1999. Hailing from the United Kingdom, he has also written plays and short stories. He has a bachelor's degree in English and Creative Writing from Lancaster University. This article was originally published by The Indy Tribune.

2 thoughts on “Corporation Now Firing

  1. The stock photo really seals the deal. Sends it home.

    It’s true though. It’s not false. Corporations are looking for absolutely any reason they can to downsize and it has nothing to do with profits sales or whatever. It’s just the final nickels in their pockets.

    They’ve made a lot of money by scaring employees into thinking they’re on the verge of being fired. We’ve accepted lower wages, longer hours, double and triple job duties. It’s just ridiculous. Where’s our advocate? Don’t we have a lobby?

  2. But but but, raising wages would inflate the economy, so we should actually be giving our employees raises, thus we'll have enough economic strength to keep all the employees… no?

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