Star Sign Reassignment Continues To Promote Controversy

Astrologers remain divided about the increasing number of people choosing to undergo Star Sign Reassignment.

As little as ten years ago it was believed that natal charts were fixed at the time of birth, and that lives would inevitably follow the courses those charts foretold. Then Professor Claire Voyant from Scotland’s Skye University performed the pioneering procedure that changed the star sign of Mrs Stella McTarot of Glasgow from Taurus with Capricorn rising, to Aquarius with Sagittarius rising. Read more Star Sign Reassignment Continues To Promote Controversy


Your Horoscope, You’re so Screwed

Aries: Your love of casual nudity and disregard for the warning labels on table saws will bring you a certain amount of fame in the medical community this week. Henceforth, genital reattachment after an industrial accident will be known as an “insert your name here” procedure.

Taurus: The Stars realize your ego might be taking a hit. However, they think you should just accept the free electrolysis being offered by several beach resorts as a condition of your visit this summer. Read more Your Horoscope, You’re so Screwed


Stars Align; It’s Not Your Week (horoscopes)

This week, many disturbing things are going to happen and the Stars are giddy like school girls that they get to watch.*

RIGHT: The sign of Cancer. My wife was a cancer, which is kind of ironic considering how she died; the crabs.

Aries: No matter what you tell yourself, The Stars want you to know that saying, “Yeah but it was a girl panda,” isn’t going to make this any less weird.

Taurus: The Stars see you talking to many angry people this week. Of course they have a point as it would have been more polite to ask prior to harvesting their kidneys.

Gemini: It’s true that things with a one in a million chance of occurring are happening all the time and all around you. The Stars have to admit though that it’s a bit of a puzzler why the bad ones always seem to happen to you.

Cancer: With hurricane season coming The Stars think this is a good time to gather essential emergency supplies in case there is a major storm. To avoid what happened last year though; The Stars also want to remind you that Puerto Rican street queens are not emergency essential supplies.

Leo: Hey, Orson Scott Card, The Stars finally read Ender’s Game. Dude, There’s a major scene in the book with boys wrestling in a shower, naked. Seriously, that’s pretty creepy. The Stars want you to know that after reading that, your ranting about gay marriage comes off more like self-loathing than righteous indignation. Just saying.

Virgo: Hey there mister! That’s Lindsy Lohan’s back you’re snorting a line of blow off of. Show some respect and get a hotel room instead of doing it next to the dumpster behind Spagos.

Libra: After you’re bombarded with cosmic rays you’ll discover you suddenly have the ability to read the minds of animals. You’ll just as quickly discover, after finding out what your cat really think of you that some things are better left unknown.

Scorpio: When the ragged few survivors piece together the history of the war that destroyed civilization and brought humanity to the brink of extinction, they’ll discover that it was your imprudent use of the cc line that started it all.

Sagittarius: You’ll find out how both strong and agile human statue street performers can be after a very poorly-considered game of increasingly provocative attempts to get them to move goes terribly wrong.

Capricorn: The Stars recognize that it’s important sometimes to think of yourself first. However, after you’re safely in the lifeboat, letting the other survivors drown is really going to be kind of a dick move.

Aquarius: Run! Hide! After months of brooding over his election loss Mitt Romney has finally snapped and he’s hunting down everyone who made a magic underwear joke on their Face Book page. He’s coming for you!

Pisces: Your all thrust no vector amorous nature will soon lead you to engage in the most disgusting Arbor Day observance in history.

* Editor’s note: We do not mean to imply that our experience tells us school girls ‘like to watch’, but that, if you, you see, oh never mind. It’s not like that!


Your Very Wrong on so Many Levels Horoscopes

Aries: The Stars understand and sympathize with your plan to move to either Amsterdam or Berlin where you feel people with your particular, shall we say interests are better accepted.

However, The Stars have to warn you that even the residents of those two bastions of tolerance are going to look at what you’re into and say, “man, that’s fucked up”. Read more Your Very Wrong on so Many Levels Horoscopes


Proof Horoscopes Are Bunk: The Random Horoscope Generator

I’ve known these things were bogus since I was in about 6th grade, shortly after my librarian taught me about Barnum statements. This page proves it.

From there I learned about math and probability and realized that there’s zero chance all people born in the same 30-odd-day period could possibly have the same fate. It just defies probability, reason, and even the ever-wiggly common sense. But this page proves it. Read more Proof Horoscopes Are Bunk: The Random Horoscope Generator


Psychic Doesn’t See Police Coming

Police have issued a statement confirming the arrest of a crystal ball reader in California.

Known only as Mystic Mary Star Moon Shine Peters, the crystal ball reader was believed to have been arrested on charges of ‘false prediction’.

Mystic Mary is thought to have been practicing the gift of psychic powers for more then 9 years, Glossy News spoke exclusively to one of her many regular clients: Read more Psychic Doesn’t See Police Coming