Archive | Horoscopes

Your Horoscope, You’re so Screwed

Your Horoscope, You’re so Screwed

Aries: Your love of casual nudity and disregard for the warning labels on table saws will bring you a certain amount of fame in the medical community this week. Henceforth, genital reattachment after an industrial accident will be known as an “insert your name here” procedure.

Taurus: The Stars realize your ego might be taking a hit. However, they think you should just accept the free electrolysis being offered by several beach resorts as a condition of your visit this summer. Continue Reading

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Stars Align; It’s Not Your Week (horoscopes)

Stars Align; It’s Not Your Week (horoscopes)

This week, many disturbing things are going to happen and the Stars are giddy like school girls that they get to watch.*

RIGHT: The sign of Cancer. My wife was a cancer, which is kind of ironic considering how she died; the crabs.

Aries: No matter what you tell yourself, The Stars want you to know that saying, “Yeah but it was a girl panda,” isn’t going to make this any less weird.

Taurus: The Stars see you talking to many angry people this week. Of course they have a point as it would have been more polite to ask prior to harvesting their kidneys.

Gemini: It’s true that things with a one in a million chance of occurring are happening all the time and all around you. The Stars have to admit though that it’s a bit of a puzzler why the bad ones always seem to happen to you.

Cancer: With hurricane season coming The Stars think this is a good time to gather essential emergency supplies in case there is a major storm. To avoid what happened last year though; The Stars also want to remind you that Puerto Rican street queens are not emergency essential supplies.

Leo: Hey, Orson Scott Card, The Stars finally read Ender’s Game. Dude, There’s a major scene in the book with boys wrestling in a shower, naked. Seriously, that’s pretty creepy. The Stars want you to know that after reading that, your ranting about gay marriage comes off more like self-loathing than righteous indignation. Just saying.

Virgo: Hey there mister! That’s Lindsy Lohan’s back you’re snorting a line of blow off of. Show some respect and get a hotel room instead of doing it next to the dumpster behind Spagos.

Libra: After you’re bombarded with cosmic rays you’ll discover you suddenly have the ability to read the minds of animals. You’ll just as quickly discover, after finding out what your cat really think of you that some things are better left unknown.

Scorpio: When the ragged few survivors piece together the history of the war that destroyed civilization and brought humanity to the brink of extinction, they’ll discover that it was your imprudent use of the cc line that started it all.

Sagittarius: You’ll find out how both strong and agile human statue street performers can be after a very poorly-considered game of increasingly provocative attempts to get them to move goes terribly wrong.

Capricorn: The Stars recognize that it’s important sometimes to think of yourself first. However, after you’re safely in the lifeboat, letting the other survivors drown is really going to be kind of a dick move.

Aquarius: Run! Hide! After months of brooding over his election loss Mitt Romney has finally snapped and he’s hunting down everyone who made a magic underwear joke on their Face Book page. He’s coming for you!

Pisces: Your all thrust no vector amorous nature will soon lead you to engage in the most disgusting Arbor Day observance in history.

* Editor’s note: We do not mean to imply that our experience tells us school girls ‘like to watch’, but that, if you, you see, oh never mind. It’s not like that!

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Your Very Wrong on so Many Levels Horoscopes

Your Very Wrong on so Many Levels Horoscopes

Aries: The Stars understand and sympathize with your plan to move to either Amsterdam or Berlin where you feel people with your particular, shall we say interests are better accepted.

However, The Stars have to warn you that even the residents of those two bastions of tolerance are going to look at what you’re into and say, “man, that’s fucked up”. Continue Reading

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Your Horoscope for the Week of March 25th, 2013

Your Horoscope for the Week of March 25th, 2013

The stars can see your future and they want to give you the bad news before someone else gets to. For never-ending horoscopes, check out our Random Horoscope Generator.

RIGHT: A graphic of the incorrect version of astral superstition, but one we had already purchased the right to use. Continue Reading

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Proof Horoscopes Are Bunk: The Random Horoscope Generator

Proof Horoscopes Are Bunk: The Random Horoscope Generator

I’ve known these things were bogus since I was in about 6th grade, shortly after my librarian taught me about Barnum statements. This page proves it.

From there I learned about math and probability and realized that there’s zero chance all people born in the same 30-odd-day period could possibly have the same fate. It just defies probability, reason, and even the ever-wiggly common sense. But this page proves it. Continue Reading

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Psychic Doesn’t See Police Coming

Psychic Doesn’t See Police Coming

Police have issued a statement confirming the arrest of a crystal ball reader in California.

Known only as Mystic Mary Star Moon Shine Peters, the crystal ball reader was believed to have been arrested on charges of ‘false prediction’.

Mystic Mary is thought to have been practicing the gift of psychic powers for more then 9 years, Glossy News spoke exclusively to one of her many regular clients: Continue Reading

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Horoscopes by Catman, Dude

Horoscopes by Catman, Dude

Welcome once again to the astrological stylings of Catman, Dude—the only seer who is not afraid to ask, “How the hell am I supposed to know?” Mr. Dude is an award-winning prognosticator who is half-cat, half-human, and half-assed. The Dude’s ability to predict the future is exceeded only by his inability to recall the past, which he, nevertheless, claims to have foretold with “unerring” certainty. Continue Reading

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Horoscopes by Catman, Dude

Horoscopes by Catman, Dude

Otherwise rational people often underestimate the power that certain gemstones, colors, and musical notes exert on their lives, especially the parts that haven’t occurred yet. Catman, Dude has addressed this problem in the past by plugging people into the associations between the signs of the zodiac and small appliances and by steering the reader through the intersections between motor vehicles and astrological forecasts. Now he reveals for the first time the effects of herbs and spices on a variety of human endeavors. This information will allow you to reap the benefits of the seeds planted by astrologer Cyrus McCormick, who once said, “To everything there is a seasoning.” Continue Reading

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Albacoreascopes

Albacoreascopes

It’s with fanfare most mediocre Glossy News ho-humfully ushers in the newest in its long running series of helpful astrological readings tailored not to the vague and unimaginable reader, but to one so very specific we can’t even imagine whom she or he may be. It’s with baited breath we bring you the Albacoreascopes; horoscopes tailored just for you, you fish, fish gobblin’ or fish huntin’ fool. Continue Reading

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Social Security Poor-a-scopes

Social Security Poor-a-scopes

At Glossy News we find it perpetually important to bring you the news that means the most to you, whether as news briefs, satire, lymerick or even horoscope. With that in mind we’d like to review some of the changes proposed to social security by explaining to you, comfortably in the form of horoscopes, just how poor it is that you’ll be when it comes time for you to unsuccessfully retire. Enter Zojack and his horoscopey brilliance in these, the social security poorascopes. Continue Reading

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