Posted in Crime War Zone

FBI to Boost Recruitment, Remove Fitness Requirement

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to meet the growing diversity of the nation, the Department of Justice has announced changes to physical requirements for FBI special agents which will replace regular running with power walking. Current requirements for selection…

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Posted in Crime

Dogs must reduce drug sniffing, says Supreme Court

“I don’t want no drug sniffing dogs around here,” said Ms. P. Innuckope (not her real name). “I got nuff trouble with human junkies without them bringing their pets.” Ms. Innuckope was one of many that were relieved when the…

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Posted in Comics Religionism

Immigrants Hesitant, Lukewarm to Christian Traditions (Comic)

We all know what time of year it is, so without further ado, here’s our holiday installment. Click image to see it full-size.

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Posted in Biz News

Guy In Starbucks Pretty Sure Job Interview Happening on Next Table

INDIANAPOLIS – Enjoying an orange mango smoothie at a Starbucks in downtown Indianapolis Thursday, local man Zach Needham was fairly certain that some sort of job interview – probably for a really high-end position – was taking place at the…

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Posted in Comics

Spousal Argument Apparently Over Nothing (comic)

Do you ever get that feeling that you’re really arguing for no reason at all? This couple does but it all makes sense in the end.

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Posted in Human Interest

107-Year-Old Woman Not That Same Sprightly 89-Year-Old She Used to Be

GOSHEN – Celebrating her 107th birthday recently, centenarian Gladys Cadwell admitted Friday that, by golly, she is not that same, zesty 89-year-old she once was. Waxing philosophical about those grand old times of 18 years ago, Cadwell conceded that she…

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos Technology

Jihadis Excited About Self-Driving Cars

Jihad organizers, coordinators and enthusiasts met this week in San Antonio, Texas, to advance their myriad causes. A panel discussion entitled “Sub-Suicide Bombings” brought up an interesting possibility; autonomous cars. Speaking from room 410 at the Henry B. Gonzalez Convention…

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Posted in Top Stories

U.S. seeks to end flow of arms into Syria

In a statement that stunned observers, the U.S. Secretary of State, John Kerry announced during a visit to Iraq that it is asking its allies not to send arms and to prevent the flow of arms into Syria. The U.S….

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Posted in Sports

Miami Heat Win Streak Ends–PBS Renews Telethon to Raise Awareness for Regular Season

Without realizing it, for the past month or so, the world was interested in the NBA’s regular season games. And all of the credit goes to one team: The Miami Heat. In case you just came out of a coma,…

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Posted in Science

Hawking Enlists David Copperfield to Demonstrate “Spontaneous Creation”

Hawking: Spontaneous Creation is the Reason Something is Here Rather than Nothing. World-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking, best known for his accessible books on the fundamental questions we all face, recently published his latest findings on a cosmological concept he calls…

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Posted in Kidz Zone Religionism

Learn Easter from Your Kids: Zombie Jesus Brings Gold (Video)

My kids attend weekly Awana meetings, where they learn about how letting people talk about Jesus can result in candy and prizes. For the true magic of Jesus, I had to share with them a bit of the practical side….

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Posted in Entertainment Talky Pictures

Glossy News Exclusive: Interview with Mr. Potato Head

Today we interview that star of toy stores and famed actor from the films Toy Story 1,2 and 3, Mr. Potato Head! Visiting him in his penthouse at the Farmer’s Market in Manhattan he spills the beans on his illustrious…

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Posted in Politics

Monica Lewinsky’s Dress to be Sold at Auction

After being rejected by the Smithsonian, Monica Lewinsky announced today that she will be selling her famous, blue, semen-stained dress at auction. Southeby’s, Inc., which will be handling the sale, predicts the historic dress should fetch up to $10 million…

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Posted in Environment

Melting Glaciers Making “Really Nice” Ice Cubes for Inuits

GREENLAND–Last year, a melting glacier known as the Petermann glacier calved off a sizable chunk of ice approximately twice the size of Manhattan. And the Inuit couldn’t be happier. Apparently, the Greenlandic natives have been benefiting from global warming trends…

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Posted in Music

The Illuminati Responds to Shooting by Rap Artist During Pledge Week

A Richmond Virginia man is being held without bail after his marijuana fueled attempt to sacrifice his friend in order to join the Illuminati. The man, an aspiring rap artist believed that by killing his friend he could join the…

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc Talky Pictures

‘Book Better Than Film’ Says Guy Who Wants You to Know He Reads Books

MUNCIE – In a disguised attempt to let you know that he is exceptionally well-read, an acquaintance today informed you that the latest Hollywood blockbuster you are planning to view this weekend is no way near as good as the…

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Posted in Horoscopes

Your Horoscope for the Week of March 25th, 2013

The stars can see your future and they want to give you the bad news before someone else gets to. For never-ending horoscopes, check out our Random Horoscope Generator. RIGHT: A graphic of the incorrect version of astral superstition, but…

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Posted in Internets Tubes

Reddit to Open Real World Chat-Houses (x-post from reality)

Infamous web community Reddit is taking a big step. They’re going “meat space” and opening of real world “chat houses” in the US this fall, and they’re hoping it will bring all the same successes. Jaskon Rosrath, the new VP…

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Posted in Biz News

Corporation Now Firing

INDIANAPOLIS – The city’s employment figures were tweaked Friday, as Corporate Technology Services (CTS) – an established call center corporation on the westside of Indianapolis – revealed that it is now firing. Expected to begin the firing process in earnest…

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Posted in Religionism

Report: Churches to Outnumber Christians by 2035

INDIANAPOLIS – According to a study conducted by the United States Census Bureau, the number of Churches located in Indiana is likely to become higher than the state’s total number of Christians by the year 2035. The findings, which were…

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Posted in Politics

Bad Boy Bloomberg Banning Big Breasts

In his latest and most swift move to play strict-stepfather-who-hates-loud-rock-music to New Yorkers, Mayor Bloomberg has opted for a new ban on cup size. This time, however, instead of going after the large Coca-Cola in your cup, he’s going after…

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Posted in Music

Elvis Impersonator ‘Sounds Uncannily Like Elvis Impersonator’

BLOOMINGTON – Friends and colleagues of Elvis impersonator Arnold Mason agree that the 47-year-old sounds and looks uncannily like hundreds of other Elvis impersonators. A resident of Bloomington, IN, Mr Mason has performed Elvis hits up and down Indiana for…

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Posted in Strange People

NRA’s LaPierre Holds America Hostage

Two narrowed eyes peeked out of the slats over the window that were already narrow enough by themselves. They gazed imperturbably at the scores of police and FBI agents that surrounded the NRA ranch estate in North Carolina. Those eyes…

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Posted in Internets Tubes Technology

Search Engine Scandal; Google Auto-Completes Your Racism

Google offers an Auto-Complete feature. You start your search, they suggest what you might want to see, based on what others have searched… and Google thinks you’re a huge racist. I searched almost every country in the world and what…

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc Entertainment

Stage Actor Arrested After Knocking Dead 47 Audience Members

INDIANAPOLIS – Police arrested a 35-year-old man last night after eye-witnesses reported him knocking dead the 47 theatre goers who came to see his portrayal of Iago in a community theatre production of Shakespeare’s Othello. Brian Mathis, a longtime member…

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