FBI to Boost Recruitment, Remove Fitness Requirement

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to meet the growing diversity of the nation, the Department of Justice has announced changes to physical requirements for FBI special agents which will replace regular running with power walking.

Current requirements for selection make applicants run 1.5 miles in under 11 minutes. Under the new plan, one who can power walk the same distance in approximately an hour will be considered equally capable. Read more FBI to Boost Recruitment, Remove Fitness Requirement

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Dogs must reduce drug sniffing, says Supreme Court

“I don’t want no drug sniffing dogs around here,” said Ms. P. Innuckope (not her real name). “I got nuff trouble with human junkies without them bringing their pets.”

Ms. Innuckope was one of many that were relieved when the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the decision of the Florida Supreme Court to restrict the right of dogs to sniff for drugs in a neighborhood. “Let them junkies do their own damn sniffing,” she remarked. Read more Dogs must reduce drug sniffing, says Supreme Court

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Guy In Starbucks Pretty Sure Job Interview Happening on Next Table

INDIANAPOLIS – Enjoying an orange mango smoothie at a Starbucks in downtown Indianapolis Thursday, local man Zach Needham was fairly certain that some sort of job interview – probably for a really high-end position – was taking place at the next table.

Just catching up on some emails built up over the past two days, the 32-year-old web designer couldn’t help but overhear the authoritative-sounding guy immediately to his right ask the woman sitting opposite him “what sort of experience do you have with Excel 2010?” Read more Guy In Starbucks Pretty Sure Job Interview Happening on Next Table

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107-Year-Old Woman Not That Same Sprightly 89-Year-Old She Used to Be

GOSHEN – Celebrating her 107th birthday recently, centenarian Gladys Cadwell admitted Friday that, by golly, she is not that same, zesty 89-year-old she once was.

Waxing philosophical about those grand old times of 18 years ago, Cadwell conceded that she truly misses some of those wild days down at the bingo hall with Willa Morgan and Spike Jeffries, God rest their crazy souls. Read more 107-Year-Old Woman Not That Same Sprightly 89-Year-Old She Used to Be

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Jihadis Excited About Self-Driving Cars

Jihad organizers, coordinators and enthusiasts met this week in San Antonio, Texas, to advance their myriad causes. A panel discussion entitled “Sub-Suicide Bombings” brought up an interesting possibility; autonomous cars.

Speaking from room 410 at the Henry B. Gonzalez Convention Center, Achmed Mumuhammed said, in response to a question about technology, “Once self-driving cars are on the streets, that will take over for suicide bombings.” Read more Jihadis Excited About Self-Driving Cars

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