Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos

Apple Releases “Is It Raining?” App

CUPERTINO, CA (GlossyNews) — Steve Jobs, co-founder and CEO of Apple Inc., proudly took the podium yesterday at the company’s headquarters for a surprise product announcement. “The wait is over;” proclaimed Jobs, “I proudly give you the ‘Is It Raining?’…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Apple Releases “Is It Raining?” App
Posted in News In Your Briefs

Glenn Beck Wants Viewers’ Blood in Protest of Healthcare Reform

Taking a cue from the Red Shirt movement in Thailand where approximately 50,000 protesters siphoned their own blood to throw on members of Congress, Glenn Beck is considering asking his viewers to have their blood drawn and sent to his…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Glenn Beck Wants Viewers’ Blood in Protest of Healthcare Reform
Posted in Crime Kidz Zone

Three-Year-Old Shoots Father: “Purple Dinosaur Told Me To”

ANAHEIM, CA (GlossyNews) — On March 17, 2010, a three-year-old boy shot his father, an LAPD officer, with a service revolver. The shooting occurred in the family’s pickup truck at a traffic stop in Anaheim. Investigators are still trying to…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Three-Year-Old Shoots Father: “Purple Dinosaur Told Me To”
Posted in Television

Michael Jackson’s Remains to Appear on “Dancing with the Stars”

HOLLYWOOD, CA (GlossyNews) — During a midday press conference, ABC announced a late addition to this season’s “Dancing with the Stars” celebrity lineup. “It’s a fine day for American Broadcasting,” Media Director Phil Lehman announced. “I’m pleased to tell you…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Michael Jackson’s Remains to Appear on “Dancing with the Stars”
Posted in Music

Man Ejected from Christian Rock Concert for Gesturing “Devil Horns”

OSHKOSH, WI (GlossyNews) — A local 18-year-old, Mark Edwards, was ejected from the Life Fest Christian Rock Festival this past weekend for displaying a rude gesture during one of the band’s performances. “I was watching Crossroads, and man, they we’re…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Man Ejected from Christian Rock Concert for Gesturing “Devil Horns”
Posted in Biz News Religionism

God Rejects Billionaires’ Joint Bid To Buy Earth

ALBUQUERQUE, NM (GlossyNews) — God Almighty, sole owner and creator of the earth, has categorically denied a joint bid by Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mukesh Ambani, Lakshmi Mittal and other billionaire club members to buy the planet.

WTF?! Click now to find out more! God Rejects Billionaires’ Joint Bid To Buy Earth
Posted in Kidz Zone

Teen’s Math Jokes Fail to Score

APPLETON, WI (GlossyKidsNews) – Despite attempts of wooing potential dates with dazzling wit and humor, Appleton East High School sophomore and champion “mathlete” Jon Henderson, appears to be striking out at love. “Girls should be throwing themselves at me after…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Teen’s Math Jokes Fail to Score
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

New Conservative Book: Everything We Know About Politics We Learned In Kindergarten

The Republican Party in conjunction with FOX News is celebrating their collaborative publishing effort, a new book called ‘Everything We Need To Know About Politics We Learned In Kindergarten’. Its publication has started such a buying frenzy among their constituents…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! New Conservative Book: Everything We Know About Politics We Learned In Kindergarten
Posted in News In Your Briefs

Al Qaeda Suicide Bomber Interview Captured on Video

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — CIA Director Leon Panetta released today a portion of a captured al Qaeda suicide bomber job interview. In the scene, the jihadist recruiter attempts to determine if he should take a chance on the earnest young…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Al Qaeda Suicide Bomber Interview Captured on Video
Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Famed Aviator Capt. Clarence Oveur Dead at 83

POMONA, CA (GlossyNews) — Captain Clarence Oveur, an aviation legend, has died of a heart attack. He was 83. Oveur was one of the heroes responsible for the successful landing of distressed Trans American flight 209 to Chicago in 1980.

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Famed Aviator Capt. Clarence Oveur Dead at 83
Posted in Politics

Anti-Obama ‘Satire’ Written by Zombies?

Much to the dismay of intelligent people the world over, anti-Obama satirists have become robotic, even predictable, running the same treadmill every day in an effort to bring him down. Their constant decrying of the President, no matter what he…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Anti-Obama ‘Satire’ Written by Zombies?
Posted in News In Your Briefs

Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods Head Back to Work

Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods, who have been sharing a bachelor pad in Palm Beach, have announced that they are going back to work. Sheen said his main motivation was that he was going “stir crazy” spending 24 hours a…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods Head Back to Work
Posted in Politics

Anti-Washington Sentiment Rampant in Washington

WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) – In a relentless and seemingly oxymoronic trend, more and more politicians are campaigning – successfully – on a platform of distrust of government officials. Various party primaries held in several states have shown a tendency for…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Anti-Washington Sentiment Rampant in Washington
Posted in Education

Education Bill Overhaul: Bad Teachers Charged as Criminals

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — A controversial portion of President Obama’s newest education initiative has come under fire from the American Federation of Teachers, which claims the measure is not only unconstitutional but absurd. The provision in the President’s overhaul of…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Education Bill Overhaul: Bad Teachers Charged as Criminals
Posted in Human Interest Society

Previously Ignored Nostradamus Prediction Re-examined

Cologne, Germany (GlossyNews) Glossy News Headquarters, Europe — The following document was retrieved from the ‘Reject’ files in the Glossy News Interchange in Cologne, Germany. Upon retrospect it offers interesting insights into our present political life in the US: Unusual…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Previously Ignored Nostradamus Prediction Re-examined
Posted in Human Interest

GOD: HUMANITY CURSED BECAUSE OF PACT MADE WITH PAT ROBERTSON

THE HEAVENS – In a rare public announcement, God Himself admitted today that Pat Robertson, who by all rights should have choked to death long ago on his own venomous rhetoric, continues to exist at His whim as an object…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! GOD: HUMANITY CURSED BECAUSE OF PACT MADE WITH PAT ROBERTSON
Posted in Entertainment

Experts Predict Growth in Prediction Sector

Boca Raton, FL (GlossyNews) The Association for Pseudo-Intellectual Predictions held its annual conference in Boca Raton, Florida this weekend. Attendance was much higher than event organizers had anticipated. Keynote speaker Adam Lambert delivered an optimistic yet cautionary tone to the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Experts Predict Growth in Prediction Sector
Posted in Crime

Mystery Man Wanted for Questioning in Slaying of Model

MIAMI, FL (GlossyNews) — Police in Miami have released a sketch of a suspect wanted for questioning in the case of a local model found burned inside a trash bin. The 26-year-old African American model was found last month; police…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Mystery Man Wanted for Questioning in Slaying of Model
Posted in Health

Health Care Bill Passage Assured: Vampires Now On Board

Baltimore, MD (GlossyNews) — Speaking from Baltimore’s famed Holly Oaks Cemetery, last resting place of author Edgar Allen Polk, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today revealed a strategy so stunning, even seasoned Washington wonks looked up from their pools of vomit…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Health Care Bill Passage Assured: Vampires Now On Board
Posted in Politics

GOP Opposes Jesus’ 2012 Presidential Campaign

KANSAS CITY, MO (GlossyNews) — Jesus Christ announced today that he is throwing his halo in the ring as a contender for the 2012 presidential race. Rather than commencing with the long-awaited Second Coming, the Big Three decided that He…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! GOP Opposes Jesus’ 2012 Presidential Campaign
Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc

Book Excerpt – Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man (4 of 4)

(Book Excerpt) Chicken Butt thought he was smart, intelligent, insightful, and many other positive adjectives, but – as we all know – he was a contemptible chicken of a man. C. B.’s ego was always thinking up new ways to reinforce Chicken Butt’s bloated perception of himself. Actually, C. B.’s ego was really quite brilliant at it – as we have already seen.

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Book Excerpt – Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man (4 of 4)
Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Lindsay Sues Lohan for Suing E-Trade Over Commercial

LOS ANGELES, CA (GlossyNews) — Troubled 23-year-old celebrity Lindsay Lohan has filed a lawsuit against E-Trade for allegedly using her name in its latest commercial about a boyfriend-stealing baby with a substance abuse problem. The substance in question being milk.

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Lindsay Sues Lohan for Suing E-Trade Over Commercial
Posted in Education

Dr Amy Bishop Sets New Standards Of Academic Freedom

Birmingham, AL Ivory tower intellectualists everywhere have taken note of the new level of entitlement achieved by Professor Amy Bishop of the University of Alabama. Used to having great perks attached to their jobs, Ms. Bishop has definitely raised the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Dr Amy Bishop Sets New Standards Of Academic Freedom
Posted in Society

Runaway Prius Almost Escapes on I-8

Los Angeles, CA (GlossyNews) — I–8 CAR LOCKUP: A Toyota Prius has admitted it made a rarely attempted get-away from its driver. The car claimed its owner was misusing the cupholders, watching TV and texting on his cellphone while driving…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Runaway Prius Almost Escapes on I-8
Posted in Education

Texas Conservatives Vote to Make Textbooks “Right”

AUSTIN, TX (GlossyNews) — Despite the ongoing efforts of educators to create national standards for public schools, the Texas school board has seceded from the debate by proposing sweeping changes to its social studies curriculum that would highlight the underrated…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Texas Conservatives Vote to Make Textbooks “Right”
Posted in Biz News

U.S. Auctions States to Pay Off Mounting Deficit

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — The national debt in the United States has reached a record $10 trillion, with the deficit continuing to mount as efforts to stimulate the economy out of recession grow. To pay off this enormous amount, the…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! U.S. Auctions States to Pay Off Mounting Deficit
Dinosaur conspiracy
Posted in Religionism Science

Scientists Determine Noah Killed Dinosaurs

THE WOODLANDS, TX (GlossyNews) — With the demise of the dinosaurs millions of years ago remaining a hotbed of debate and disagreement, scientists from around the globe gathered together for a conference to determine the conclusive cause of their eradication.

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Scientists Determine Noah Killed Dinosaurs
Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Limbaugh Draws Outrage from International Sources

UN HEADQUARTERS, NEW YORK — In an amazing show of quick response today, the governments of Canada, Great Britain, Costa Rica and Cuba introduced a resolution into the United Nations proceedings that bans Rush Limbaugh from entering their countries over…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Limbaugh Draws Outrage from International Sources
Posted in Politics

Ethics Committee Investigation Finds Rep. Eric Massa “Icky”

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — Former New York Representative Eric Massa admitted to groping male staff members, but claims that he never behaved in a sexually inappropriate manner. Massa, age 50, went a step further and told reporters that he…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Ethics Committee Investigation Finds Rep. Eric Massa “Icky”
Posted in Music Society

Elton John Calls Jesus Gay, Muslims Enraged

LONDON, U.K. (GlossyNews) — Elton John, no stranger to controversy, made news again this week when he called Jesus of Nazareth gay in an interview with Parade Magazine. The statement angered many practicing Christians around the world. Catholic League President…

WTF?! Click now to find out more! Elton John Calls Jesus Gay, Muslims Enraged