WASHINGTON, DC (GlossyNews) — In a surprise press conference this morning, Barack Obama announced to the American public that he has discovered the cure for cancer.
“Several well-known medical researchers and I have finally found a way to put an end to this menacing disease,” President Obama declared. “The short treatment is completely safe, 100-percent effective and carries no side effects whatsoever.”
Disdain and contempt immediately erupted among Senate and House Republicans.
Senator Susan Collins from Maine was among the first to object. “Americans will clearly be outraged as this is forced upon us. Sure, we would all like to see a cure for cancer, but not from some left-wing elitist. I mean, just look at him up there, curing cancer. You can easily see that he hates our great nation!”
Television pundit Sean Hannity also expressed his concern, stating, “This is a dark day for democracy, my friends. Think of the free market jobs that will be lost. It breaks my heart, and we will fight this to the very end!”
Because the cure is a treatment and not a piece of legislation, there appears to be little the opposition can do about it.
“The best we can hope for,” says Collins, “is to influence the FDA by showing them that our God-fearing country will not tolerate such a careless and radical agenda.”