Posted in Politics Top Stories

Las Vegas Odds Makers Taking Bets on the “N” Word

LAS VEGAS, NV (GlossyNews)– Taking a sharp turn away from sports betting, Las Vegas odds makers are said to be taking silent bets from some of the top businessmen and politicians in the country on who will be the first…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Religionism

Pope Allegedly Uses Lord’s Name in Vain

VATICAN CITY (GlossyNews) — Media outlets are buzzing as sources inside the Vatican are beginning to approach the press with scandalous information about Pope Benedict XVI. Apparently several papal aides, who wish to remain anonymous, claim that the Vicar of…

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Posted in Politics Strange People

Joe Biden Sits on White House Toilet With Door Open and Whistles

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — “Clueless Joe,” as they are calling him these days, seems to be losing touch with reality bit by bit each day, as he wanders through the White House talking to no one in particular and asking…

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Posted in Religionism World News

Pope to Pedophile Priests: Eat More Fish

VATICAN CITY (GlossyNews) — It appears that Pope Benedict XVI has had an epiphany about the sex scandal continuing to plague the Catholic Church: lack of fish in a priest’s diet can lead to inappropriate sexual behavior toward young men….

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Posted in Making Headlines

Populace Perplexed with Pope’s Platitudinous Approach to Pederast Problem

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy Technology Top Stories

YouTube Goes Down — Bored Millions Panic

SAN BRUNO, CA (GlossyNews) — YouTube, the popular video networking site, was unavailable today due to technical difficulties. The site, which attracts millions of users from across the globe, was down for one hour while technicians attempted to rectify the…

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Posted in Making Headlines

Medical Researchers Discover Amazing Fact

Most Americans for Prosperity (AFP) members’ hearts are in the wrong place, but admit that surgery can’t correct the problem.

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Posted in Politics

Dems Respond to Vampire Corruption Charges

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — It began with whispers and raised eyebrows, then quickly became a prairie fire. So far only the venerable Helen Thomas, speaking at D.C.’s popular Make It Look Like a Business Expense Bistro, has found courage to…

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Posted in Religionism Top Stories

Strike By Angels Shuts Down Heaven

Heaven (GlossyNews) — A major uproar has occurred in the normally peaceful and idyllic universal subdivision of Heaven, home to famous celebrities such as Jehovah, Odin, Osiris, Allah, Zeus, Ahura Mazda, God and their flunkies Buddha, Zarathustra, Moses, Mithra and,…

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Posted in Top Stories

Iced Tea Spiked with LSD Found at Tea Party Rally

Searchlight, NV – A group of hippies, outraged that the Tea Party Movement is advertising their Saturday protest rally in Sen. Harry Reid’s hometown of Searchlight, Nevada as a conservative Woodstock, decided to teach Palin and her cronies a lesson…

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Posted in Politics

Obama Discovers Cancer Cure: Republicans Outraged

WASHINGTON, DC (GlossyNews) — In a surprise press conference this morning, Barack Obama announced to the American public that he has discovered the cure for cancer. “Several well-known medical researchers and I have finally found a way to put an…

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Posted in Strange People

Craigslist Ad Looking for Master Catapult Builder

As recently seen on Austin Craigslist: EXPERIENCED CATAPULT BUILDER (N. AUSTIN) Date: 2010-03-26, 9:33PM CDT Reply to: job-phthuttt-1639419@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?] Group of Investors looking for experienced carpenter to build over-sized catapult sturdy enough to fling Rush Limbaugh…

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Posted in Technology

Foursquare Survivor Badge Accidentally Awarded to Hundreds of ‘Unworthies’

AUSTIN, TX (GlossyNews) — Around 12:40 p.m. EST on March 22, the coveted Foursquare Survivor badge was awarded to hundreds of people simultaneously. Event organizers attributed the mass distribution to a glitch. Traditionally, the Foursquare staff have been very secretive…

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Posted in Human Interest

James Randi Announces He’s Gay — Proving Psychics Don’t Exist

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL (GlossyNews) — James Randi, the renown 81-year-old skeptic, has escaped from the closet after keeping his sexuality a secret for more than 70 years. Randi, formerly known as The Amazing Randi, began his career in Canada as…

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Posted in Kidz Zone Television

Glenn Beck to Develop Children’s Show on Fox

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — In an effort to reel in kiddies as early as they are able to watch television, the Fox Channel has begun the process of developing a Saturday morning kids’ show featuring Glenn Beck, invoking a…

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Posted in Biz News Politics

Fox Analyst Reverses Opinion About Recession After Losing Job

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — A former Fox News economic analyst, who only last year said the worst part of the recession was over, is coming under fire from liberals for now claiming the economy is worse than ever. When…

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Posted in Sports

March Madness: Entire Basketball Team Really Goes Mad

Indianapolis, IN (GlossyNews) — Stunned NCAA officials are scrambling this afternoon as they attempt to deal with 16 stark raving mad college basketball players running amok across downtown Indianapolis.

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

McDonald’s Happy Meal a Day Can Prolong Life of Your Body

Denver, CO – A nutritionist, bent on taking McDonald’s down for its unhealthy practice of dishing up preservative-laden foods to the general public, has now admitted that although there are enough preservatives in a McDonald’s bun alone to allow it…

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Posted in World News

Documents Show Auschwitz Death Camp Doctors Living on Food Stamps

WARSAW, Poland (GlossyNews) — Archaeologists working to better understand the reign of Hitler and his Third Reich have discovered food coupons for some of the notorious SS doctors at the Auschwitz death camp, including the sadistic Dr. Joseph Mengele.

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

Thank You Very Much, See You in Hell

The phrase “Thank you very much, see you in hell,” is becoming as popular as “Thank you, come again” at some Middle Eastern-run convenience stores across America. TYVMSYH signs are being displayed above the licenses of most of the stores,…

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Posted in Crime

Cookie Monster Robs Girl Scouts: Three dead

Detroit, MI (GlossyNews) — In what was considered shocking, even by Detroit standards, the beloved blue Sesame Street character today staged a bloody robbery at a suburban strip mall. No Girl Scouts were injured, but three shoppers were killed in…

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Posted in Biz News

Apple’s Jerry York Dies: Replaced by Jerry Sargent

CUPERTINO, CA (GlossyNews) — Jerry York, Apple director and long-time adviser to billionaire investor Kirk Kerkorian, has died. Sources at Apple Inc broke the news on Thursday. York joined Apple’s board of directors in 1997, a time when most consumers…

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Posted in Biz News

“My Little Pony” Chewy Fruit Snacks Found to Contain Horse Meat

MINNEAPOLIS, MN (GlossyNews) – Shock and horror were rampant in the children’s snack market this morning as the word spread that the popular “My Little Pony” fruit snacks contained elements of actual pony. The discovery was apparently made during an…

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Posted in Politics World News

U.S. Supports North Korea’s Execution of Official Who Ruined Economy

PYONGYANG, North Korea (GlossyNews) — During a time when brewing unrest and financial insolvency are destabilizing the country, North Korean officials have executed Labor Party Chief Pak Nam-ki before a firing squad as punishment for a bureaucratic blunder.

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

Rhode Island Announces Plans to Secede from Union, Align with Zanzibar

Providence, RI (GlossyNews) Finally fed up with being classified as the America’s smallest state and with the perceived lack of respect accompanying that classification, teeny, weeny Rhode Island announced plans today to sever ties with the other 49 states. With…

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