NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — In an effort to reel in kiddies as early as they are able to watch television, the Fox Channel has begun the process of developing a Saturday morning kids’ show featuring Glenn Beck, invoking a stylistic reincarnation of Dick Dastardly, complete with pencil-thin handlebar mustache. While not yet written in stone, producers have tentatively named the show “The Tommy Truth-tacular Hour.”
What some believe is dangerous about this creative project, however, is the message that will be getting to children at such an early age. Face it folks, Dick Dastardly was no Barney, and Glenn Beck’s close portrayal of the character, expected to be re-named “Tommy Truth,” won’t be singing “I Love You, You Love Me.”
Yet, Fox insists that this is a children’s show whose time has come. Beck convinced Fox of the need to launch an alternative to the namby pamby drivel that turns American youth into “whiny liberal butts.” Beck, or Truth in this case, vows that he will give it to the kids straight through this program.
“There are no handouts in real life,” Beck told reporters, demonstrating a typical Tommy Truth monologue.
“You are not born privileged. You have to work for everything you get, so get used to it kids,” will be another message on board for the young viewers. And speaking of boards, Truth will have his infamous whiteboard present on the show, allowing him to plow through the alphabet like a trucker on speed.
“A is for Anti”
“B is for Big Government”
“C is for Concern for this Great Country of Ours”
“D is for Damage Done by the Democrats”
And “E is for Everything Else” Beck can shake a stick at.
Yes, Fox has given Beck the green light to go after a demographic that has yet to be tapped by conservatives: the young, innocent minds that have not fully formed any political preconceptions. He intends to mold them into Mini-Me’s who believe they have a patriotic duty to adhere to the “every man or woman (or in this case, kid) for themselves” ideology. An idea Beck believes should be taught to America’s young as early as possible.
Talks are also taking place with Sarah Palin to co-star with Beck in the reprisal of yet another character in the Wacky Races series, Penelope Pitstop. She will be known as “Priscilla Patriot” and will be expected to bring to the show a message of blind jingoism every week. Priscilla will give a goodly amount of advice on how to compete in life, with lessons such as taking down an opponent to get ahead, even if you want to quit a few times along the way. She’ll wield a jeweled wand that will help her grant the wishes kids write in with, such as money, a spot on the junior cheerleading squad or other such important desires.
When Beck was asked why the character is based more on Dick Dastardly and not Dudley Do-Right, he said, “Do-Right was obviously a progressive, always helping someone out of trouble. His kind showed a spineless lack of self-preservation while Dastardly was ruthless in his pursuit of self. Dastardly got them before they got him. That’s what I want the kids of today to know — they can’t be in charge if they’re worried about someone else. The sooner they learn to be their own bosses, the sooner they’ll learn to be someone else’s boss as well.”
Although the theme of the show sounds undeniably serious, there will be plenty of laughs as Truth carries on in Beck’s clownish style, arms swinging wildly, eyes bulging and voice going from cackle to crack up in seconds. The show is expected to leave children rolling on the floor in laughter.
Fox has yet to cast the role of “Stripe, the All-American Dog,” Truth’s scruffy canine side-kick based on Muttley, but someone with a wheezing cough, say a smoker of cigars, may just fit that bill.
Fox is hoping to have the children’s show up and running in time for the new fall television season, so keep your eyes peeled on Fox, where you’ll always find the nuttiest entertainment around.