Month: March 2010
Cookie Monster Robs Girl Scouts: Three dead
Detroit, MI (GlossyNews) — In what was considered shocking, even by Detroit standards, the beloved blue Sesame Street character today staged a bloody robbery at a suburban strip mall. No Girl Scouts were injured, but three shoppers were killed in…
Apple’s Jerry York Dies: Replaced by Jerry Sargent
CUPERTINO, CA (GlossyNews) — Jerry York, Apple director and long-time adviser to billionaire investor Kirk Kerkorian, has died. Sources at Apple Inc broke the news on Thursday. York joined Apple’s board of directors in 1997, a time when most consumers…
“My Little Pony” Chewy Fruit Snacks Found to Contain Horse Meat
MINNEAPOLIS, MN (GlossyNews) – Shock and horror were rampant in the children’s snack market this morning as the word spread that the popular “My Little Pony” fruit snacks contained elements of actual pony. The discovery was apparently made during an…
U.S. Supports North Korea’s Execution of Official Who Ruined Economy
PYONGYANG, North Korea (GlossyNews) — During a time when brewing unrest and financial insolvency are destabilizing the country, North Korean officials have executed Labor Party Chief Pak Nam-ki before a firing squad as punishment for a bureaucratic blunder.
Rhode Island Announces Plans to Secede from Union, Align with Zanzibar
Providence, RI (GlossyNews) Finally fed up with being classified as the America’s smallest state and with the perceived lack of respect accompanying that classification, teeny, weeny Rhode Island announced plans today to sever ties with the other 49 states. With…
Senator Caught in “Affair of the Heart” with Neighbor’s Doberman
WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — Anonymous sources are alleging that a prominent but unnamed United States senator is engaged in an intensely emotional relationship with his next door neighbor’s Doberman Pinscher. “It’s only a matter of time before the tabloids get…
Kansas Dad Somehow Lifts Car Off 6-Year-Old Girl
SHAWNEE, KS (GlossyNews) — A Kansas mother is praising neighbor Nick Harris as “Superman” after her six-year-old daughter described how Harris found the strength to lift a car off her. The girl escaped with minor injuries after she was pinned…
Recession Forces Upper Class to Flirt with Mediocrity
NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — The recent economic downturn has delivered ubiquitous plight across America, but no other group has been as dramatically affected as the upper class. This was readily apparent by watching patrons exit one of New York’s…
Airlines Defend Proposed Airfare Hike for “Taking Off”
NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — TIME magazine’s cover photo this week of an aged man grasping a pair of testicles was incorrectly interpreted as portraying a Vatican official. It was in fact Reuben Kincaid, American Airlines’ spokesman for the bold…
Walmart Pulls “Rock Band – Def Leppard Edition” Over Missing Drum Stick
TEXARKANA, TX (GlossyNews) — Thousands of angry fans flooded the phone lines and email servers of MTV/Electronic Arts and its retailers with complaints over today’s release of the eagerly anticipated “Rock Band – Def Leppard Edition” game. The issue stems…