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What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The Super Bowl

What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The Super Bowl

Far beyond the reaches of normal men’s consciousnesses there exists a part of the etheric worlds where what could have been still can be.

All events as remembered by the minds of men are not held fast in memories lock, but are fluid and flexible, and not confined to history’s limiting pages.

All the conditions that led to so many ‘historical’ events, be they political, military, or even that most mundane of human activities- sports- are a set of possibilities leading up to results that are now considered locked in an illusionary time and place called history.

But what if those conditions had been altered- the weather caused one army to defeat another instead of vice-versa, an accident of death to one individual causes an entire nations fate to be altered and so forth? What if the aftermath of those conditions could be played out as though something different had changed the course of a history and could be known to we mere mortals?

Say, for instance, if the Green Bay Packers had not been defeated by the San Francisco 49er’s in the play offs and had gone on to play the Seattle Sea Hawks in the Super Bowl, what would the multiple minute conditions that would be altered be, all the little variables like the changes in the weather from one place to the other, from the changes in the national football consciousness as a result, from the attitudes of the different players involved be. What would have been the outcome?

Using spiritual seers who can peer deeply into the etheric mists, we have uncovered ‘The Mystery Of What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The 2014 Super Bowl’- a foretelling as full of haunting majesty, power and glory as the ghosts visiting Scrooge on Christmas Eve.

Forth down, fifteenth yard line, fourth quarter. The Packers again have the Seahawks on the ropes as they battle if out for another touchdown. The Packers have, out of sheer pity, allowed the Seahawks to get 6 points ahead so that the foredooming loss will not ruin their self-esteem.

That is the famous compassion that Wisconsiners have for all out of staters, but now even that virtue must come to an end in the scrimmage for the top glory of footballdom. Now it was payback time. Quarterback Aaron Rogers falls back, fakes a pass, then runs it in himself side-arming several Seahawks who fall on the ground and cry like babies, some at being hurt and some at the score being even upped.

The field goal scores and the Seahawks are sweating. The lineup forms, the Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson throws. Ball goes 15 yards downfield and is caught. Player is tackled by the Packer human battering rams; the Seahawks runner’s leg is accidentally is broken off at the hip. Player is carried off field screaming wildly in pain. Packers put detached leg on ice to save for the trophy room.

Seahawks pass another ball 10 yards downfield, Packers corn-fed bulldozers bear down on him. Ball recipient screams like a girl and immediately heads for sidelines. Gets caught one foot short of sidelines and is buried under a wave of green and gold uniforms. When pile of oversized bodies is finally pulled off him his head is twisted around backwards, making it hard for him to chew food and walk down a street straight for the rest of his life.

On the next play, Russell Wilson runs the ball himself, then when he sees the Packer bullet trains pounding towards him, he turns and runs 20 yards back shrieking wildly and successful makes it to the sidelines before being avalanched by the Packer defense.

An angered Seahawks cheerleader seeing this grabs the ball from him and runs it down field herself. She is daintily tackled by the Packers front men at the 20 yard line. She finds herself excited by this experience and gives all five men her phone number and tells them to call her after the game.

Russell Wilson is set upon by the other cheerleaders who are humiliated by his actions, beaten to a cottage cheese consistency, and, in a move that led to quite a bit of television censorship, was ‘Bobbited’ and thereby deprived forever of his manhood.

Now desperate not to be embarrassed by the whole nation and having their star quarterback de-manned in public, the Seahawks pull out their last card. In a move that ranks in the highest level of treachery, cunning and outright bastardly conniving, they introduce the secret quarterback they had covertly hired as a trump card just in case of such an emergency ensued. The new quarterback comes out on the field covered by a blanket to conceal his identity.

The huddle forms, the new thrower for the Seahawks throws off the blanket. A gasp goes through the Packer stadium. It is Brett Favre, more infamous than Benedict Arnold even as a traitor.

seahawks-slam-twoA resounding ‘Boooooooooooooo!!! sounds through the entire stadium, then, as the images reach TV sets, throughout the entire city of Green Bay, then throughout the whole state of Wisconsin, reaching decibels so loud that they knock out communications satellites in space above the Midwest for the next twenty minutes.

The lines form, the ball is shunted, Favre passes. The ball goes downfield, is caught and taken to the end zone for a goal. The entire stadium screams in unison, making a bestial moan so strong that it moves the earth a full meter off its rotation.

The entire Packer team, driven by outrage to a level of frustration that no human should ever have to endure, rush their former teammate and pile down on him, beefy appendages flailing. In a ten minute massacre that TV censors will soon call ‘the day we really made big overtime’, the assault on Favre is so thorough that what is left of him is passed through a sieve and put in a bottle for burial.

Thus the 2014 Super Bowl becomes the first ever to end in default. Too afraid of the rabid Packer fans, the game officials just hand the Packers the trophy and go running for the gates. Only a few clips of the Packers celebrating their victory surface, taken by private cameras and photo devices as all professional camera men had run for their lives.

They show a jubilant Packerland mob celebrating their heroes win and the ones taken when they thought no one was watching no one was watching showing them stomping the surviving Seahawks players into the Astroturf like grapes being made into fine Wisconsin jelly, a proud tradition handed down from their Viking heritage.

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49ers PR Office Readies for Mass Suicide Sunday Night

49ers PR Office Readies for Mass Suicide Sunday Night

The San Francisco 49ers had a terrible 12-4 season, but this Sunday they face the Seattle Seahawks with a stunning 13-3 regular season record. Facing certain defeat, 49ers fans are widely expected to commit mass, ritual suicide.

The Seahawks have the best defense in the league, and have been favored over the 49ers by 3-9 points/game this regular and post-season, but even losing inside the spread is unlikely to sate the bloodlust for sacrifice to make for a better team next season. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Sportsfolk11 Comments

The Changes to European Club Rugby – Americans Indifferent

The Changes to European Club Rugby – Americans Indifferent

There are massive changes afoot in the world of Rugby Union. While there has been some agreement recently as to the future of the sport, there are still many obstacles to overcome.

Following an 18-month impasse, the six unions involved in the Heineken Cup (England, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, Italy and France) held a two-day summit in Dublin to decide how a European club competition would work next season. The English and French clubs have stated that they intend to form a breakaway competition next season. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Sportsfolk0 Comments

Glossy Staff Admits Butt-Hurt After Reaming by NRA Riled Redneck Brigade

Glossy Staff Admits Butt-Hurt After Reaming by NRA Riled Redneck Brigade

The staff of Glossy news is busy licking their wounds today after a fierce word-lashing by a number of drive-by commentator fan(atic)s of the NRA. While a few commenters stand out in the article, the sum of their words was what really drew us to introspection.

John Woodie (we suspect this is an alias either to impress the ladies or because he works in the porn industry) laid the heavy gauge verbal ammo on the entire Glossy crew after becoming pestilently peeved by an article by alleged writer Rfreed entitled ‘Obama Let’s His Bad Self Out All Over The NRA’s LaPierre‘.

Mr. Woodie (no relation to the ‘Toy Story’ character, who even as a toy, still knew compassion), finding the admittedly obnoxious article to severely contradict his own thoroughly thought out and scientifically studied beliefs promptly fired off eviscerating email salvos intended to shred any self worth the normally passive and sheep like Glossy staff might have.

The effects of them were devastating to the sensitive and delicate natures of the shocked Glossy caretakers.

Publisher Brian White, awakening at last at 4 PM from an meth and krokodil stupor upon his harem-sized waterbed in the $10 million dollar Glossy Penthouse atop the Chrysler Building shook off the last of his dreams of having shared the watery love platform with both a naked Miley Cyrus and Sophia Vergara.

He tied his Kimono tighter around his waste and proceeded down the circular stairs to his suede-drenched office, having to push aside the empty bottles of Citron Platinum (non-circulating) littering the landing left over from the staff meeting/orgy from that afternoon. Yes, meetings in our office more than well attended, they’re also well attended.

White had the breath knocked out of him upon reading Mr. Woodies bombast, so caustic it started to melt even the specialized megapixel scene of the super Apple on his beta iPhone7. It was so shocking even he, hardened by many years in the satire field, could only emit a muted gasp. Kind of a gulp gasp, but you get the idea.

From the other side of the office he heard a whimper. There he found his faithful apprentice, Donald Trump, (yes, the same one. This job is the real secret of him making his millions,) curled up in a fetal position behind the life-size Che Guevara statue in the corner, softly sobbing, sobbing softly, and sobbing softly like an SOB.

“I take it you read the missive.” White asked of the faux-billionaire. “Oh God! …Yes!” gasped the orange husk of a man, his normally carefully plastered hair a tangled mess of orange mesh fur skewering out in all directions.) “It …was… so mean!” He then went in to an uncontrollable fit of hysterical tears, which is normally for him three to four times each day.

“Has Becky seen this?” White asked.

“Yes,” answered Trump between mad gasps of air.

“Sorry you had to read this Becky,” said White. “God!” thought White, “They are dropping like flies around here.”

An operative from inside the White House working at Glossy News headquarters known only as “J. Robinette B.” said, “They done gave us a good ass-whuppin, Delaware style!” adding, “Now I know what he meant by being butt-hurt. These NRA boys, man, they can give you an enema with astro-turfed words alone, and I do mean ass…tro-turfed. Get it?”

By the next morning, nearly all of Glossy’s 132 employees had quit or called in sick, all mauled by the savage beating they took from the viciously vocal Mr. Woody et al. Mr. White, his empire in alleged, supposed tatters, had to raise the red white and blue flag of surrender (the French one, not the US flag) and enter into negotiations to sell his website to FOX News owner Rupert Murdoch, for pennies on the dime.

Editors addendum- Midway through this fray, the purveyor of the original article, Rfreed wandered in from the street wearing his usual pink, overly tight hot pants and leather thigh high black lace up boots with stiletto heels, his white see-though halter top tied at the bottom and exposing the amazing cleavage he didn’t have, whining his eyes out. He threw himself limply upon the over-sized, overstuffed leopard skin couch and sobbed into a pillow.

“Oh God!” he whined, “that bastard implied that I was gay!”

Nothing we said would console him, and we even said we’d take him to Barney’s.

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Posted in Sports Events, War Zone1 Comment

American Team Favored to Win 2013 World Series

American Team Favored to Win 2013 World Series

ST. LOUIS – The St. Louis Cardinals made history Friday when they became the 104th American team to win the World Series. With their 6-2 victory over the Texas Rangers in game 7, The Cardinals extended the United States’ formidable record in the competition, which has only twice been won by a non-American club when the Toronto Blue Jays recorded back-to-back victories in 1992 and 1993. Continue Reading

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So Long, Farewell, Adieu! The End is Coming and it Will Get You Too!

So Long, Farewell, Adieu! The End is Coming and it Will Get You Too!

Greetings dear Readers!

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Due to the advice of what later turned out to be a con artist, this article was not reviewed for publication prior to the end of days deadline. We had been assured that the world was ending, and as such we ceased editorial efforts and all got hooked on heroine instead.

As a result, this article is coming out late, my skin itches and I think I need to take that thin film of skin off my eye. I haven’t decided yet.]

As we all know the legendary 21st of December is almost upon us which means that according to the Mayan Calendar tomorrow we are all going to croak in horrible ways.

On behalf of myself and the rest of the Glossy News staff I just wanted to take this time to say thanks to all our readers and that it has been a fun ride. You have been a swell audience and we have certainly had some fun laughs together. Continue Reading

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Mean Colts Getting Fans’ Hopes Up Again

Mean Colts Getting Fans’ Hopes Up Again

INDIANAPOLIS – In what was arguably designed as a mean prank yesterday, the Indianapolis Colts conspired to build up the hopes of millions of Hoosiers by recording their first victory of the season against the Tennessee Titans.

Avoiding a 14th successive defeat Sunday, the Colts – known for cruelly convincing fans that further impending success always lies ahead – roused the 50,000 in attendance with a spitefully deceiving performance and post-game lap of honor. Continue Reading

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Crash Kills IndyCar Racer, Leaves Car in Critical Condition

Crash Kills IndyCar Racer, Leaves Car in Critical Condition

LAS VEGAS – The world of racing is left to reflect after a multiple-car crash in Las Vegas killed famed driver Dan Wheldon and left his racing vehicle in a “serious condition.”

The accident involved 15 other drivers, whose vehicles are said to be in stable conditions.

Former 2-time Indy 500 winner Wheldon was later pronounced dead in hospital, while his racing car is fighting for its life after suffering multiple injuries, including 3 ruptured tires, a dislocated steering wheel and a damaged suspension. IndyCar servicemen have transported it to an engineering plant, where its progress is “being monitored”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports, Sports Events5 Comments

Hurricane Sandy Was God’s Attempt To Hang In With Occupy Folks

Hurricane Sandy Was God’s Attempt To Hang In With Occupy Folks

Intrepid Reuters news reporters have uncovered that the immense Hurricane Sandy, so huge that it was dubbed ‘The Perfect Storm’, was actually a fabricated event. It appears that God created the mega storm for what to our eyes was a epochal effort to join the Occupy Wall Street movement by attempting to shut down Wall Street for good.

The Hurricane hitting Manhattan successfully closed down the world’s major financial area for two days, something that the Occupy Movement never managed to pull off for even a day. Continue Reading

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Victory a Result of Man Shouting ‘Go Colts’ at TV

Victory a Result of Man Shouting ‘Go Colts’ at TV

INDIANAPOLIS – The Indianapolis Colts secured a hard-earned victory against the Minnesota Vikings on Week 2 of the new NFL season Sunday, attributing their victory to local man Justin Thacker, who persistently yelled “go Colts” at his television screen throughout the 3-hour broadcast.

Initially, it was believed that the impressive victory came about as a result of the team’s considerable work ethic, months of pre-season preparation and valiant individual prowess. Continue Reading

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Post-season Baseball Starts, If Any One Even Cares

Post-season Baseball Starts, If Any One Even Cares

Somewhere- The baseball post season is starting despite weak attendance and poor ratings. Team owners and players insist people still care, even with the lack of attention.

Some teams are playing in some places for the World Series. Recently, Major League Baseball executives ,assuming they knew what fans wanted, opened up the post-season so half of all MLB teams could compete for their shot at the pennant. Continue Reading

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NFL TV Rights Sold… Are You Twitter for Some Football?

NFL TV Rights Sold… Are You Twitter for Some Football?

In a move that surprised few, the broadcast rights for the 2013-2015 seasons of the National Football League (NFL) have been sold to a non-television entity. What was a surprise, however, is that the broadcast rights have been sold to Twitter.

“We think this is a natural progression,” said Twitter New Media developer Jacob Brittany with a smirk. “People only want the highlights anyway, so why not Twitter?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Television2 Comments

Crowd Accused of Lifting Mo Farah Over the Finish Line

Crowd Accused of Lifting Mo Farah Over the Finish Line

An appeal has been made to the IOC to strip British runner Mo Farah of his gold medal as accusations of cheating sore higher than the elation of the athlete.

Mo Farah became the first British athlete to win a gold medal in distance running but Ethopian 5000m silver medallist, Dejen Gebremeskel and Kenyan 5000m Bronze medallist, Thomas Pkemei Longosiwa have called into question the legitimate acquisition of the Olympic gold given that the 80,000 strong crowd was cheering Farah and not them. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Sports Scandals1 Comment

Olympic Gold Medalist Mary Lou Retton Talks Leotards, Medals & Drugs

Olympic Gold Medalist Mary Lou Retton Talks Leotards, Medals & Drugs

This week, GlossyNews.com sat down with former gymnast and Olympic gold medalist, Mary Lou Retton to get her thoughts on a variety of issues ahead of the Olympics in London. Here’s how it all went down.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: Welcome, Mary Lou. The image of you smiling with immense joy at the 1984 Olympics is indelibly etched in American Olympic folklore. Take us back to that day when you famously took the gold medal in the All-Around Gymnastics final. What was going through your mind?

RIGHT: Image courtesy of The Indy Tribune. (click to enlarge)

MARY LOU RETTON: I was trying to tune everything out, to focus on my upcoming vault. But I had the worst wedgie ever. Have you ever worn a leotard? It’s pretty hard to keep it out of your ass, especially when you’re flipping around and twisting and leaping through the air and whatnot. So there I was, 16 years old, with all those cameras on me. The whole world was watching to see if I would make history as the first American woman to take gold in the All-Arounds, and all I could think was, “How can I discretely pick my wedgie?”

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: But… but you seemed so happy at the time?

MARY LOU RETTON: Well, I added an extra twist to that first vault, and the wedgie worked its way out. I was very relieved.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: So having overcome the wedgie and having landed not one, but two perfect vaults, you became the first American to win the Olympic title in the All-Around event. Where in the Retton household does the gold medal reside to this day? Katrina, in Fort Wayne posed that question on our Twitter page.

MARY LOU RETTON: I keep my medals in my underwear drawer. A lot of people are surprised to hear that, but really, ask any woman, we hide all our important stuff in our underwear drawer.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: Perhaps I’d better change the subject. A lot has been made in recent years about the role of performance-enhancing drugs in the world of sport, particularly in Olympic sports. Have the IOC’s drug tests worked to eliminate illegal drug use, or do you think more can be done at the grassroots level?

MARY LOU RETTON: Every athlete should know how to pass a drug test. If you haven’t figured out how to get around those tests, then you don’t deserve to be competing at the Olympic level. That said, you don’t hear of too many gymnasts testing positive for illegal substances. We’re tiny, but we can crush your skull with our thighs, so no one at the IOC really wants to mess with us.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: Now, at the height of your fame, you were voted Sports Illustrated’s Sportswoman of the Year and became the first official spokeswoman for Wheaties. A lot of young people getting their big break in televised sports have a lot of weight on their shoulders. What advice would you give to any up-and-coming athlete about handling the pressure?

MARY LOU RETTON: These kids know nothing about pressure. Try going on television in those leotards before Brazilians came into fashion, okay? That is pressure. These gymnasts have no idea how easy they have it.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: And what about these days? Even though it is almost 28 years since your historic success in Los Angeles, you still remain a household name within the world of gymnastics. As a frequent commentator on indoor gymnastics, do you see a little bit of yourself in the gymnasts of today?

MARY LOU RETTON: No.

GLOSSYNEWS.COM: Mary Lou, thank you.

Article was co-written by Laurence Brown.

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Cowardly Lion Refuses to Return Medal Following Steroid Accusation

Cowardly Lion Refuses to Return Medal Following Steroid Accusation

(AP-OZ)–The Cowardly Lion, who gained worldwide fame for a rescuing a Kansas teen from The Wicked Witch, has allegedly tested positive for anabolic steroids and a Human Growth Hormone known as LGH.

A spokesman for the Wizard of Oz told the press, “The Cowardly Lion had large amounts of anabolic steroids in urine and blood samples taken shortly after the metal was awarded, as well as a substance that may or may not be catnip.”

The Wizard’s spokesman only demanded the Cowardly Lion return his medal for courage, but there are also calls for others on the rescue team to return their awards as well. While samples from the Scarecrow and the Tin Man came back “clean”, others suggest the entire team had an unfair advantage as a result of the Lion’s steroid use. Continue Reading

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Report: Team USA Outsourcing 30% of Its Medals to China

Report: Team USA Outsourcing 30% of Its Medals to China

LONDON – Reaching a mutual agreement with overseas executives Tuesday, The United States Olympic Committee has thrashed out a deal that will see 30% of Team USA’s Olympic medals outsourced to China.

The deal was first brought into the public eye after reports that Team China had themselves landed gold medals in the women’s 48kg and 58kg weightlifting events, and later in two diving events, which were once dominated by the USA. Continue Reading

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